I Need Surgery To Walk, But My Husband Says I'm A Crybaby—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, My husband has had multiple hobbies throughout our relationship. He becomes obsessed with them for about 6 months at a time. Our weekends are exclusively dedicated to his pursuits; if I want to stop at a shop that I, or our son, may be interested in, my husband will pout and demand that we drop him off at home first, no matter the distance. He will watch dozens of hours of videos on the subject and runs several Facebook groups dedicated to his interests.

Anything that I enjoy or prefer is mocked as "lame," and not worth attention. If I even try to enjoy something, he gets mad and says that I'm being selfish for not helping him with his hobbies. He likes to say that he grew up poor, so he wasn't able to enjoy his interests until now.

He just had arm surgery and doesn't know any of the medical instructions, because that's what I'm for. I desperately need reconstructive foot surgery, but he believes his issues are far greater, and it would be selfish of me to expect him to help out with our son. He says, "That's not how I was raised," whenever I ask him for help around the house. Our doctor has repeatedly told him that if I don't get this done, I could lose the ability to walk, but my husband keeps saying that my foot isn't that bad and I'm just being a crybaby.

Anonymous, Unknown

Your Husband Is A Narcissist, Don't Be A Doormat In Your Relationship

Carole Lieberman, M.D., M.P.H., is a board-certified Beverly Hills psychiatrist.

Your husband is a narcissist, who is so focused on himself, his interests, his comfort, and his health, that he doesn't have any empathy for you. He sees your pleadings for him to accommodate your interests, comfort, and health as just annoying distractions from his. He's crying, "Me! Me! Me!" all time, even if you can't hear these words.

Have you asked yourself why you have withstood all his selfishness, and been a doormat for him? It comes from how you were raised. Did your father, mother, or an older sibling treat you with such little respect and turn you into Cinderella, making you wait on them, and making you believe that you don't deserve more? You DO deserve more, and so does your son. You are teaching him to have no respect for women if you don't stand up for yourself.

It's interesting that you say anything you "enjoy or prefer is mocked as 'lame'" by your husband. Indeed, he is literally making you "lame" by not prioritizing your reconstructive foot surgery. This should be the FINAL STRAW! Now is the time for you to stand up for yourself, and make arrangements to get your surgery asap, or else you really will be "lame" because you won't have "a leg to stand on."

Domestic Abuse Doesn't Have To Be Physical, Consider Seeking Shelter From Your Husband

Chloe Carmichael, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and the author of Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety as well as Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you so much for reaching out. I'm sorry to hear that it sounds like you're in an emotionally abusive relationship that is tottering on physical abuse, given your husband's attempt to strongly discourage you from getting essential medical care.

First and foremost, I implore you to get the medical care you need. If you struggle to do this for your own sake, at least consider the model you are setting for your son if you allow him to see his mother lose her ability to walk rather than to seek the care she needs.

You may also want to consider telling your husband that things must change, and that you will take some time apart if he is unable or unwilling to treat you with dignity. You have probably become so accustomed to tolerating his mistreatment of you that it's difficult to see the situation with clarity. I would imagine the potential loss of your ability to walk could actually become a catalyst for you to determine that you will no longer tolerate the status quo. If your husband refuses to change but objects to you and potentially your son (I don't know your son's age or personality) moving out for a few weeks so you can get some perspective, you may want to check your options with an attorney.

Since I don't know your son's age or your local custody laws, it's hard for me to suggest just packing a bag and leaving for a few days as a potential option. If your husband objects to changing but also demands you remain in the home, you may need to arm yourself with information about your options, since it seems your husband may be in a mindset to neglect your needs as much as you allow him. Perhaps consider connecting with a shelter for abused women. Even though your husband isn't battering you, they may be able to connect you with supportive options in terms of housing or therapy since your husband is displaying such a profound disregard for your well-being, even to the level of your ability to walk. The physician who told you about your dire need for medical care may be another potential resource to connect you with community-based support if you explain your situation privately.

No matter what, I implore you to get the medical care you need; and to seek therapy. It seems your personal standards are so far compromised that professional support may be needed to help you restore basic boundaries for your own sake as well as for the healthy emotional development of your son.

Is Couples Therapy Covered By Your Insurance? Your Marriage Would Benefit From Speaking To A Therapist

Melissa Thoen: LCSW and Clinical Director at the Ackerman Institute for the Family.

Dear writer,

Thank you for sharing the details of the status of your marriage. As I read about your situation a lot of frustration came up for me and I must imagine that this too is how you feel. I'm going to share some thoughts that came up as I was reading your letter and will make some suggestions based of the assumptions I make from your writing.

In your letter you mention your husband's emotions and behaviors frequently, but I didn't read much about how this is impacting you emotionally. His ways of thinking and his reactions may take a toll on your health which is a concern to me, and I wonder what emotions come up in your body as you think about this. As a couples therapist, my mind wonders what you desire from this relationship and how his obsessive hobbies have impacted your dynamics. I also think about what you must feel and if he is noticing the consequences of his behavior not just in your marriage, but also with your son. Your writing also made me wonder about your husband's family of origin and how he has shaped his perspective because of it.

Before telling you to seek therapy, I strongly encourage you to think about what it is that you want from this marriage and how things would look if you woke up tomorrow and the relationship were different. Some strategies that I recommend trying is using "I" statements. It is easy to point fingers at the other person which typically triggers the other person to become defensive or angry. But when a person starts by reflecting upon one's own feelings that come up due to their experience it is easier to empathize. An example could be "I feel lonely and abandoned when you choose your hobby over spending time with me". Another method of shifting communication in order to try and have your husband recognize how his behavior is leading you to feel is to rephrase his statements. We often enter patterns in communication and make assumptions about what our partner wants. Perhaps if you can model rephrasing what you hear, he will too understand that how we say things doesn't always land how we meant them to be received. "I just heard you say that I am selfish for wanting to go home. Is that what you mean?" This is a technique to help clarify that communication is not getting lost in translation.

Finally, if your attempts all fail, seek therapy. Ideally, you and your husband would attend couples therapy and a trained professional would be able to help you navigate communication about the different experiences you are both having in your marriage. Therapy would help you find a voice and have your emotions and his be validated. The professional help could serve as an attempt to understand each other better and bridge the disconnection that seems to exist. Your husband may not want to participate in couples therapy even after you express what must feel like discontent. In this case, you may want to turn to individual therapy and have someone help you navigate your emotions and help you get perspective related to your life and what you desire for yourself in the future.