My Husband Spent the Night With His Ex-Wife—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, I dropped my husband off at his daughter's house one day, as he wanted to pick up something he had left there, and I was in a hurry to get to a dealership to pick up a part to replace on my sister's truck that had come off when we borrowed it.

He wanted me to wait on him, but if I did, I would have missed getting to the dealership before they closed. I told him I would come back to pick him up.

Being as that was the first time I had been to his daughter's house, I had trouble getting back to it, so I called him, and he was just rude to me and hung up on me.

I called his daughter's phone trying to get directions back, but she said everyone there was asleep already—it was 8:30 pm on a Saturday. My husband would not answer my calls, so I had my sister try to call.

He answered her, and she let him know I was waiting for him at a Safeway that was somewhat near where he was. If he was coming home, he needed to go there and I waited over an hour before going back home because he did not show up.

He ended up staying there for almost a week and wouldn't answer his phone most of the time, or if he did, he was a real jerk and rude. Later, I found out his ex-wife was also there and spending the night. He also blew off his job and lost it as well.

I feel like he ended the marriage by the choices he made and he shouldn't expect me to want to remain in this relationship. He keeps justifying it, claiming they did nothing wrong. I just want out at this point.

Lonnie, Unknown

You Need to Know That You Deserve Better Than This

Chris Parsons is a marriage coach and author of It Starts With You: The Secret to a Passionate Marriage & Peaceful Home (Even if Your Spouse Doesn't Want to Change).

The fact that your husband didn't just make a short-sighted decision for his marriage but also for his job leads me to believe he may be having a midlife crisis, or simply self-destructing.

In my experience, this is most likely due to deep, unresolved hurts and associated unhappiness, leading to an inability to see a path forward that creates a happy life. This is quite common when people get all the things that they thought were supposed to make them happy, but still don't feel happy.

You have to enforce healthy boundaries here, to know that you deserve better, and to refuse to be a part of self-destructive behavior. The best thing that you can do, for him, and for yourself, is to tell him that you would love for him to get some professional help, without trying to control or force it. If he is willing to get help from someone who knows how to deal with a midlife crisis, there is hope that they can have a happy, healthy marriage.

Be Honest With Yourself: Were There Cracks in Your Relationship Before This?

Krista Rizzo is a relationship coach, expert and author, with more than eight years of experience in supporting couples.

Without knowing any of the relationship backstory, I'm going to go on a hunch here and say the relationship from the outside looks like there were already cracks. I think the first thing you should do is, to be honest with yourself.

Relationships don't go up in flames overnight—they suffer over time. You need to take a good look at how it got to this point. Speaking to a professional or someone you truly trust who can be honest with you would be a helpful way to start.

Emotions are difficult to manage in times of stress and turmoil as most of us know. It's important to make sure you're taking care of yourself, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I find that when my clients have hit a rough patch or even rock bottom, encouraging them to focus on their needs through self-care is helpful.

Infidelity—if there was any—is difficult to forgive, but not impossible. Again, it takes work and probably help. Counseling is a great place to start. If you decide as a couple to try to salvage the relationship, you both should commit to creating boundaries with the ex. Try to start building trust through communication, and be ready to have uncomfortable conversations.

It can be saved only if both want it to be saved. And that requires work and commitment. Should it be saved? Only you can answer that question.

Newsweek's "What Should I Do?" gathers experts to advise a reader on an issue they're having in their personal life. If you have a WSID dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice and your story could be featured on Newsweek.