My Ex Killed Himself, I Don't Know How To Help Our Son—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, My ex-husband killed himself a few weeks ago.

We were not close but we have a 14-year-old son who just had a birthday.

I have no idea how to comfort him or help him cope with the loss of his dad.

He seems detached from it all. Any help is appreciated.

Lauren, Unknown Location

Engage in Honest Conversation and Remind Your Child It's Not Their Fault

Kimberly Mahr is a licensed professional counselor, a board-approved supervisor and an associate professor teaching in the Master of Clinical Mental Health Counseling program at the University of Phoenix in Arizona.

As a psychotherapist and a mother whose children's father died by suicide, I can't imagine a much more difficult experience to navigate.

When talking to children about a parent's death by suicide, it's important to talk to them using honest, age-appropriate language. Younger children will need to be addressed using simpler concepts, but your 14-year-old will need more information. Engaging in honest conversations is the best way to help teens to begin to process and adapt to the reality of the loss and it shows them that the adults in their lives can be trusted.

Simple and honest answers to their questions are important. While you may feel like avoiding talking about it or withholding truth is the right way to go about it, kids will often fill in the blanks with misinformation or incorrect suppositions in the absence of truth. Obviously, it would be good wherever possible to avoid any gory details. But if this is unavoidable, be sure to support your teen and provide context. Redirecting the conversation away from gruesome details and instead focusing on how to cope with feelings of loss, anger and sadness is best.

It's also important that your teen know that they are not to blame; it is important to help your teen understand that their parent was ill, that everyone did their best to help, but they didn't succeed.

It is normal for shock and grief to disrupt your teen's life for a while. If you notice continuing patterns of withdrawal, sadness, changes in eating and sleeping patterns, or difficulty in school, it may be time to reach out for professional support.

Allow Your Child to Express a Full Range of Emotions

Thai Alonso is a licensed clinical psychologist based in New Jersey and is licensed to practice in 37 states. She specializes in the treatment of mood disorders, parent-child relationships and family relationships as a whole.

The sudden loss of a parent or parent figure can be traumatic. Death by suicide is particularly challenging because it brings up many complex emotions that children, teens, and adults often feel are unacceptable to share. Emotions such as guilt, anger, and relief can be very normal yet particularly difficult to express.

Allowing children to express the full range of emotions that they may be experiencing is extremely important for promoting healthy grieving. This can sometimes be very challenging, even intolerable, for the grieving parent or other family members to receive. If the child's caregivers find it too difficult to witness their child's grief, it becomes important to seek outside support.

Parents often wonder how much to share about the cause of death. The general consensus among psychologists is to be honest but not overwhelming. These kinds of secrets can be uncovered later on and undermine trust in relationships.

Provide Consistency and Model Healthy Coping Strategies

George L. Vergolias is a forensic psychologist and a certified threat manager and the chief clinical officer at R3 Continuum. His work includes supporting communities and families after traumatic events including disasters, shootings and other traumatic workplace, community and school disruptions.

Children are naturally emotionally resilient to changes and challenges, yet the loss of a parent to suicide can be incredibly difficult to manage. It is critical that adult caregivers proactively facilitate a child's coping process with understanding, sensitivity and support.

Each child is unique and may respond to loss in their own way and on their own cadence. Patience, love, and understanding are the key elements in helping them through this difficult time.

Below are some other ways you can help children through this process.

• Listen, and validate your child's feelings. Children may experience several emotions and it's important that these feelings are not dismissed or minimized. Create a safe space and remind them it's normal to express these feelings, even if they seem overwhelming.
• Provide consistency in the daily routine. Maintaining a sense of normalcy can be comforting to a child experiencing loss, as it offers predictability and a sense of "sameness." Predictable routines—even simple ones, like regular meal times or bedtime rituals—can provide a sense of safety and security.
• Model healthy coping strategies. Children watch adults for cues on how to handle difficult situations. When we model our own healthy coping mechanisms—such as seeking support, sharing feelings, or taking care of our physical health—we demonstrate adaptive ways of coping with grief that children can internalize.
• Consider seeking professional help. Child therapists or grief counselors specializing in trauma can provide invaluable tools to help a child navigate through grief. They can guide the child in expressing and managing their feelings in an emotionally adaptive way.

If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988, text "988" to the Crisis Text Line at 741741 or go to 988lifeline.org.

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