My Daughter Has Disappeared With Her Evil Boyfriend—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, I went through a lot to have my daughter and rear her with zero help from my husband. As an only child I also have no other family. I gave my daughter everything and anything that I had, and we spent a great deal of time together laughing, talking and learning.

However, in 2018 she took up with a "bad boy" and while I was at work, they broke into our home and stole from us. Within the same week as my husband was undergoing amputations due to a work accident, they packed up their belongings, refused to help and literally disappeared (I heard they are in Oklahoma...?)

The guy is evil and he destroyed the tiny family we had. My life is beyond empty. So much for loving her to the moon and back. Dear God, please help me.

My daughter left when she was 18 years old in 2018. We have had no contact at all since then and I have not informed any authorities.

Marte, Philadelphia

'Your Daughter Is in Trouble'

Dr. Carole Lieberman is a forensic psychiatrist based in New York.

This story is, unfortunately, all too common. As I wrote in my bestselling book Bad Boys: Why We Love Them, How to Live With Them and When to Leave Them, the reason good girls fall for bad boys is rooted in their childhood. It all stems from the girl's dysfunctional relationship with her father.

So, unknowingly, you provided the answer to your question in your description of your daughter's childhood, when you wrote that you reared her "with zero help from my husband." His lack of involvement in your daughter's life is what made her feel unlovable by all men and made her attracted to a bad boy.

I describe 12 types of bad boys, and each one corresponds to a type of father-daughter dysfunctional relationship. From what you described, your daughter seems to be attracted to the Fixer-Upper Lover type of bad boy. Since she felt emotionally abandoned by her father, she is attracted to a man who needs her and seems least likely to abandon her. Indeed, her boyfriend took her with him to a different state, and at a time when she was most vulnerable because her dad was literally away from her, in the hospital.

Fixer-Upper Lovers often have addictions, and the fact that she stole from you is suspicious. Perhaps he needed the money to pay for their new life, but it could also be to feed his addiction.

Your daughter is in trouble. If the police won't help you because she's 18, then try to find her yourself. Her friends may know where she is. Otherwise, you could hire a private investigator. If the PI discovers that the bad boy is using drugs, the police may be able to arrest him for possession, if not intent to sell.

'Inform the Authorities'

Psychotherapist Dr. Avigail Lev is the director of the Bay Area CBT Center, a psychological clinic that specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy.

The best advice I could give to a mom who is dealing with this difficult situation is to prioritize self-care and to seek support. It is crucial for her to take care of herself during this challenging time.

Seeking therapy can provide a safe space to process emotions, gain perspective, and develop coping strategies. Detached empathy can be helpful in maintaining emotional boundaries while still expressing compassion for her daughter's situation. Tonglen meditation can further support her in channeling love and healing towards her daughter.

It is important for this mom to educate herself about toxic relationships, as it can provide valuable insights and empower her to navigate the situation effectively. Reading books like Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft can deepen her understanding and equip her with knowledge to support her daughter when she returns.

While the current circumstances may be out of her control, this mom can still take proactive steps to prepare for her daughter's eventual return. By reflecting on her values and setting intentions for the future, she can cultivate a foundation of love, support, and healthy boundaries for their relationship.

During this time, the mom should practice self-soothing techniques, seek support from friends or support groups, and surround herself with a network of understanding individuals who can provide empathy and guidance. It is important for her to send love and compassion to her daughter, while also accepting the limitations of the current situation.

By focusing on self-care, seeking therapy, practicing detached empathy, engaging in self-soothing techniques, and educating herself, this mom can lay the groundwork for a healthier relationship with her daughter in the future. Remember, taking care of oneself is not only vital for personal well-being, but also sets the stage for providing support and love to others when the time is right.