My Husband Had an Affair With a Woman Half My Age—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, On September 20, 2022, my husband was meant to be at work. I had forgotten that we set up the Find My Phone app when I was traveling from Florida to Pennsylvania. The reason I decided to check the app was because a few days prior to September 20, my husband came home with a pair of AirPods that he claimed a customer had left behind at the restaurant where he is a general manager.

I decided to check the app to see if it could indeed track my own AirPods, to show my husband that these devices can be tracked when he came home from work. When I opened the app, I noticed at the bottom that you could track devices and people, so I decided just for the fun of it to check people.

I then found that my husband was not at work like he told me, but heading about 15 miles from his restaurant. I continued to follow his progress and saw he was headed toward a very expensive restaurant. I waited for the location ping to show that he was inside the restaurant and sent him a text. I had a gut feeling, call it women's intuition, that he was cheating on me. I texted him making up a story that my cousin's niece saw him at the restaurant, and told him she must be wrong because he was surely at work.

He then quickly admitted to me that he was at the restaurant. I replied asking why and with whom? While I was texting him I got a text alert that there was a hold for $166.000 at this restaurant. He never responded. I waited for him to come home. He told me his boss took him there for a business meeting. I knew immediately that was a lie because his boss has an expensive restaurant that he would have taken him to, and would have paid the bill. I then lied and said my cousin's niece didn't approach him because he was with another woman, and he finally admitted it. He thought the hold on the credit card would disappear the minute he paid in cash.

According to him, this girl is a 29-year-old illegal immigrant from Brazil, and he is in love with her and wants to be with her. My husband is 56, and I am 63. We have been married for 23 years. There is more to this story but that is a brief synopsis of my situation, and I have documented proof to back up my story.

As a result of his infidelity, I am suffering from PTSD [Post-traumatic stress disorder]. I am on a roller coaster of emotions. I am going to leave him as a result of what he has done to the sacrality of our marriage. What Should I Do?

Susan, Deerfield Beach, Florida

You Need to Make a Plan of Action ASAP

Marina Shepelsky, Esq, is an immigration and family law attorney and the CEO and founder of Shepelsky Law Group. She has been through a divorce herself.

Dear Reader,

I know it's tough and I understand so much is at stake here—infidelity like this seems like a death, but as an attorney, I work with facts and not emotions. Here is a plan of action on how to get through this.

1. Speak to a therapist immediately, deal with the anger and frustration at your own pace. Figure out what you personally want now. Do not do what your parents, friends, siblings, or your spouse want you to do. Do only what YOU want to do, even if it seems unreasonable to you or to others.
2. Lawyer up, find an attorney in your area who deals with difficult divorces with kids and assets involved, someone the judges know and respect in your area.
3. Put together a detailed family budget to understand:

• Your own and your spouse's monthly GROSS and NET income (how much do you both bring in from work and/or your own business).
• Your assets—joint and separate bank accounts, investment accounts, trading accounts, etc—both in joint names and in separate names. You will need a year's worth of statements to understand what is the amount in each account.
• All the real property you own with your spouse and separate—addresses, mortgage statements, deeds and closing documents.
• Your family's expenses—rent, mortgage, property taxes, utilities, water and heat, food, restaurant, dry cleaning and laundry bills, groceries expenses, etc.
• Then, you can start planning out the landscape of your divorce and come up with a plan of action.

4. Remember you don't have to get divorced, you can try couple's counseling to get through this and stay in this marriage if your husband makes some serious changes and you can rebuild your trust for him. You can get separated with a strong iron-clad separation agreement and decide if you will want to get divorced over a period of time.

Remember, You Will Get Through This Tumultuous Period

Adam Citron is a divorce and family law partner at Davidoff Hutcher & Citron in New York.

Dear Susan,

First and foremost, I am very sorry that you are going through this. I know that the emotional roller coaster you're on is not easy to manage but, with time, the angst you are presently feeling will subside. Just take each day one step at a time and I assure you, you will get through this tumultuous period and come out a stronger person.

Prior to making any final decision on whether you want to leave your husband, you should consult an attorney so that you are fully informed of your rights.

While you feel betrayed and hurt, you should realize that most states allow for "No-Fault Divorce," meaning grounds for divorce, such as adultery, are no longer required. An extramarital affair is only relevant to your case if it resulted in marital waste, which is when one spouse intentionally squanders marital funds, or spends lavishly for their own benefit. It appears your husband attempted to spend cash when out with his girlfriend so I would look back at your bank statements to see if, and when, your husband began making extraordinary withdrawals. If he cannot account for the excess withdrawals, there is a presumption of marital waste, and you would be entitled to a credit for your marital share. Being that the girlfriend cannot legally work in the U.S. it would not surprise me if your husband provided her funds. Be mindful, however, that attorneys, forensic accountants and litigation is expensive, and you must weigh those costs against what you potentially would receive.

As to your PTSD, I would consult with a doctor and document your condition. I also would recommend, as with any client, seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist during this period. In certain jurisdictions, the Courts have broad discretion when distributing marital funds and may award you more of the marital assets because of the injury caused by your husband's malfeasances. Additionally, if you can prove this condition has caused you to be incapable or impaired from working, it may very well play into your maintenance/spousal support award. These are certainly issues to discuss in detail with your attorney.

I hope this was helpful and wish you the best of luck.