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When I was growing up, my relationship with my body was not resoundingly positive. I believe I was part of a generation of women who were constantly being fed quite a toxic rhetoric about how being skinny was the ultimate goal.
In the late 1990s and early 2000s, I feel that mindset was entrenched in many beauty magazines and certain media outlets, which many of us were very exposed to at the beginning of the internet generation. I think those images did affect how I viewed myself. For me, they led to developing a relationship with the mirror which was not necessarily healthy.
I remember seeing celebrity magazines, television and movies which were aimed at teenagers like me, but featured women in their twenties. They all had a certain look and body type, so around the age of fifteen I would compare myself to these fully grown adults, which is mad. When you're a teenager and you're still developing, you can't compare yourself to a famous 25-year-old actress, but that's what many of us did.
Developing issues with my body
I have always been really petite and slim, but feel I was tricked into this dysmorphic way of thinking. I often believed I was larger than I was. I thought I needed a defined clavicle bone or a flatter tummy, that my bum or breasts should look different. There was always something new to focus on.
I occasionally thought I was lucky because I have long hair and big eyes, but I would usually indulge in feeling good for five minutes before wishing I didn't have freckles, that my thighs were skinner or that I was a foot taller. It was an endless cycle.
My issues with body image continued throughout my late teens and early twenties, which is when I started dating. Especially after going to university, when you tend to start experimenting with who you are and leaning into romantic relationships in a different way.
At university, I believe there's a much bigger scope for being social and meeting people, so while that meant there was excitement and adrenaline, there were also a lot more people to compare myself to.
I spent a lot of time wanting really badly to look a certain way and having issues with food because of that. I spent a lot of money on clothes and make-up trying to emulate particular celebrities, or even other girls I saw out and about. If I felt I had failed to achieve that, it had a really detrimental impact on my self-worth.
Canceling dates due to low body confidence
The first time I canceled a date because of low body confidence was when I was eighteen. There was a boy I really liked, who was planning to pick me up from my house. But when I heard him ring the doorbell, I was just paralysed by this horrible feeling that I didn't look very good that day and I didn't want him to see me.
Instead of messaging him or just opening the door and saying I didn't feel very good, I listened to him ring the doorbell a couple of times and then watched him walk back down the street. I ignored his calls for the rest of the day. I felt a sort of paralysis come over me, it was really strange.
I don't know what it was about my appearance I didn't want him to see, I just woke up thinking: "This is not a good day and you're not good enough." I'd planned our date all week, been excited about it all week, but on the day I just felt gross.
After cancelling the date, I felt really stupid and embarrassed. I had to explain myself and say: "Oh I wasn't feeling well, I was asleep, I couldn't hear the doorbell." He was obviously unimpressed and it made me feel really silly. But in that moment, the insecurity had sort of washed over me and taken control.
Throughout my twenties I would get myself in situations where I would set a date and then think: "Oh I haven't had a pedicure or I have a bruise on my knee, my tummy looks a bit bloated or I have a spot." So I would cancel. It was this idea of: If I'm not perfect, then I'm not good enough, so I can't go on this date.
I think my anxiety and my low-self worth were best friends in my teens and twenties; the two fed off each other. There was always one small thing, which would cause my anxiety to spiral. It could be something as small as planning an outfit, having an idea of what that outfit would look like in my head, then, when I put it on and felt it looked weird or frumpy, that was enough to make me say: "No, I'm not going."
I always felt really bad about canceling the dates. I knew it made me seem disinterested, but I think it's easy to fall into a bit of a vicious cycle. Even though I didn't think it was the right type of behavior and was not the sort of person I wanted to be, it's very hard to climb out of a pattern of thought.
At the time, I just remember feeling really incapable of moving through the world without being incredibly self-critical and that was really making it very difficult for me to do lots of different things, including date.
Breaking the cycle
Things didn't change until one day, when I was around 27, I woke up and thought: "What if I didn't feel awful about myself everyday? What if I didn't feel like I wasn't good enough to even leave my house."
I started doing everything I could to try and improve my mental health; doing various holistic therapies, meditation, breathing and manifestation. I hadCognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and talking therapies, went to the gym and cut out alcohol. Eventually, I realized it is possible to not self-sabotage and let your brain control you. It wasn't until I started undergoing therapy I was able to stop panic canceling dates.
Looking back on the years I spent having this love-hate relationship with my body, I do feel grief and sadness. I feel sad for the girl who felt like that and believe I could have pulled myself closer from the edge sooner if I knew then what I know now. I could have been having a much better time, but at least I am now, which is something to be grateful for.
Now, I am single and just dating in an open-minded way. I don't feel the need to rush into anything or be in a monogamous relationship. I get to date with intention and spend time with people I really like, so I'm quite lucky. How can you enjoy dating if you don't feel right in yourself?
Now, I get to feel excited and enjoy the process of meeting new people. I feel they are lucky to meet me in the same way I am lucky to meet them. I no longer feel like I have to spare everyone my imperfection, which is a good thing. The way you look is never something anyone should ever feel anxious about.
For me, it's really important to me to try and set a good example to the next generation of women, even when I'm not feeling my best. A lot of the work I do is centered around authentic experiences and feeling good about yourself. That is important to me.
Overall, I don't think you can date anybody or care for anybody unless you love and care for yourself. In my eyes, you have to do that before you can have serious genuine relationships with anybody.
Emilie Lavinia is a health journalist and marketing expert based in London. You can follow her Instagram or Twitter at @emilielavinia or visit her website here.
All views expressed in this article are the author's own.
As told to Newsweek editor, Monica Greep.
