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I first met my friend Harry* during a very awkward encounter on my first day at university in Nottingham, England. My family were moving me into my dormitory, when my brother spotted a boy who used to go to the same school as him.
"Why don't you go and speak to him," he said, assuming it would be a good starting point for conversation. However, when I approached the boy, he was incredibly rude. He said he barely knew my brother and that it was strange I had mentioned it. Of course, on my first day of university, I did not want someone to shut me down instantly and was embarrassed.
Next to the unfriendly stranger was Harry, who tried to defuse the situation. He said it was a coincidence that my brother knew this person and asked my name. I instantly thought he was really nice and from then on, we became close friends.
Harry and I would hang out in the dorm living room and would occasionally watch Disney movies in his room, though most of the time we spent together was in group situations. He was very popular and it felt like everyone was his friend, but when we moved out of our university dorm, we continued our friendship.
He played rugby and I played water polo, so we often went to sport social events together. He also gave me gifts throughout our friendship. For example, when my grandma died he sent me flowers. I know lots of friends do things like that, but I felt he went the extra mile.
We always had a great time together and he was consistently caring and considerate towards me. If I ever felt uncomfortable or was in trouble on a night out, he was the person I would call. If I was feeling stressed he would cook dinner for me. He would always offer his time to me if I needed it.
Throughout university he had many different girlfriends and I had many different boyfriends, so I didn't really view our relationship as anything romantic at that point, though maybe I had feelings for him subconsciously. Perhaps I liked him, but knew he wasn't ready for a committed relationship, so thought it could be something in the future.
Disastrous dating in London
After my undergraduate degree, I moved to London to do a master's degree, and started very unsuccessfully dating people I met through apps. I had several disappointing experiences, like being ghosted or just going on horrific dates. For example, I met up with one man who said he "tolerated gay people." I just thought: "How did I get here, how did I match with you?" It felt really awful and I kept having these terrible experiences.
I was keeping in contact with Harry through social media; we chatted and would reply to one another's Instagram stories, but by summer 2019 we hadn't seen each other in person for around a year. By this point Harry was also living in London and I would invite him to various events or parties, but he was never able to make them.
This was a complete antithesis of our friendship at university and I started to think that unless he committed time to seeing me, the relationship would fizzle out. So, when I was 22, I asked Harry to be my plus one at a couples' karaoke night.
Because we had been friends for so long, it's difficult for me to pinpoint exactly when I started to have feelings for Harry. But when I invited him to the karaoke night, I was 100 percent hoping to begin a romantic relationship.
He agreed to come weeks prior to the event, only to tell me over text an hour before he was supposed to arrive that he had drinks with work clients and so he couldn't make it. I was devastated. I had been speaking to my friend's boyfriend about how excited I was that he was coming and how I thought they would get along because they had similar interests.
I was already feeling down about dating, which I think made the experience even more crushing. Harry was usually a source of comfort for me; someone I knew and I trusted.
After receiving the text I cried in the bathroom to my friends, but I think most of my sadness was coming from the horrific dating experiences I'd been having. I have always been a relationship person, so I knew I wanted to date with intention, but I wasn't getting what I wanted.
Dating one of my best friends
To make it up to me, Harry invited me for drinks in central London, nearby where he worked. We went to really nice bars and he paid for everything. He's very generous, so that wasn't surprising, but it still felt like a date.
That evening, he took me to a restaurant which features on a British television programme called First Dates, which he knew I would love. I loved dating podcasts and shows, so it felt very personal that he had chosen a place related to my interests.
We were sitting outside having drinks when we had our first kiss. Of course, I thought: "This is it, we've made it." It was the perfect setting and it felt personal, and after all my catastrophic dating experiences, it was really special.
From there, we were seeing each other a couple of times a week, for around a month. I met his roommate and he met mine—it felt like it was turning into something real. He is a really lovely person, so everyone liked him. I quickly realized that because I really liked him, this was going to be disastrous if it didn't work out.
The conversation that ended the romance
One evening, I randomly bumped into him in a bar. He was with some old friends and I suspected one of the women in the group may have been attracted to him. After spotting each other, he paid all of his attention to me, but I decided at that point that I wanted to make it very clear what I wanted.
The most recent dating experience I'd had before Harry had been very hurtful, the person I was with had been seeing a woman he worked with behind my back, so I needed to make it really clear to Harry that I wanted to be exclusive, as a bare minimum. I wanted someone to commit to and we had known each other for so long, I didn't feel he needed to get to know me.
That's when he said we would need to wait a year until we were official. I was shocked. I told him we had known each other for nearly five years, and we had been dating for a month already.
Harry had just changed his job and moved to a different part of London, so said he couldn't commit to seeing me weekly, because something might come up. By then, I had read too much dating advice and listened to too many podcasts to know that if someone wants to date you, they will make it work, so I ended things.
I didn't feel too hurt. At the end of previous relationships I have had to reflect, grieve and heal, but this made me feel quite positive, because I really owned what I wanted. I was really proud that I stood up for myself and said what I wanted to, so I knew I could close that chapter, go out and start another one.
Lessons I have learned about dating
In my opinion, relationships should not be confusing and should always be approached with clarity and respect. By this point in my life, I knew what I wanted, which was to be in a long-term, healthy relationship. I had already been hurt a lot, but I also knew what it looked like when a person really wanted to commit to me.
I think deep down I knew what Harry's answer might be, and that I had to be brave, because he had potential to hurt me a lot more than strangers on a dating app. I already had such a deep emotional relationship with him, so I was positive we could remain friends. We were lucky the relationship was not completely broken and we still communicate online occasionally today.
After ending things with Harry, I had far fewer bad dates, because I was putting myself first. I was asking myself whether I liked the other person and not worrying about whether they liked me. I wanted to make sure they were the right fit for me and I think that makes you feel more in control.
Now, I'm in a really happy relationship, which I don't think would have been possible without all of my terrible dating experiences and the lessons I've learned. I believe it really helps to start the conversation with what you're looking for and what you expect.
For example, the first message I sent to my boyfriend, during one of the United Kingdom's lockdown's in 2020, was: "I am not interested in a pen-pal for months, so let's not chat until we can meet up in person." It was to the point but I think it really set me on a really strong path, because a message like that probably would have put the wrong people off. For me, there should be no grey area or games. I don't want to guess whether you like me or not, I want you to know and act with intention, and I'll do the same.
Katie McNamara is the host and creator of dating podcast, Single Sounds, which began in February 2022. The podcast is available on Spotify, Apple Podcasts or Google Podcasts and you can follow their Instagram page at @singlesounds.
All views expressed in this article are the author's own. *Names have been changed in this article.
As told to Newsweek editor, Monica Greep.
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