Mom Refusing to Attend Daughter's Wedding If Her Ex Is Invited Splits Views

A distressed mother has asked Reddit if she is the a****** after an altercation with her bride-to-be daughter.

In the post, user Confusedthrowaway013 explains that her "baby daddy was a narcissistic jerk and was often emotionally abusive to me and made me cry regularly," and that he left when their daughter was eight. Despite the mother's misgivings, the daughter Mia, now 22, wants him to walk her down the aisle.

She goes on to say that while their daughter was growing up, the father had very little contact and missed her birthdays, but would send expensive gifts and money. After announcing that she wanted her biological dad to walk her down the aisle, her stepfather protested: "I've been raising you forever it's not fair," to which Mia replied: "My real dad bought me a car, he paid for my surgery, and he even sent me money for a dog," after which her stepfather left the house.

The frustrated mother then claims she said something she regrets to her daughter: "If you invite him I'm not giving you my wedding dress or coming," explaining that her daughter then ran out, and her family then called her heartless.

According to the U.S Bureau of Census 1,300 new step-families are formed each day and 40 percent of families in the U.S are blended, with at least one partner having a child from a previous relationship before marriage.

Newsweek spoke to Ruth E. Freeman, LCSW and founder and president of Peace at Home Parenting Solutions, who suggested: "First things first - this wedding is about mom's daughter, not mom, nor stepdad. A wedding is a powerful transition for a parent and it's easy to over-step your role by making demands about how you want things to go. This mother's daughter is not in any way responsible for her bio parents' relationship with each other. While he may have been emotionally abusive to mom, it would help her daughter enormously if mom could be happy that her daughter has created a positive relationship with the bio dad who failed to be there for her as a child.

"Even children who are removed from their parents due to abuse or neglect, often seek a relationship with their parents. Her daughter's comment about 'blood' family actually illustrates this natural human drive to be connected to our biological parents. Mom certainly deserves compassion about having to live with how unfair this feels to her, but not from her daughter. She can seek that comfort from her present husband, extended family or friends.

"Her daughter needs mom's acceptance, so that her daughter can pursue this relationship with her father. Absent parents are often idealized by children and actually having contact with him may help her see dad more clearly. Her stepfather's hurt and frustration is certainly understandable, however, it is important that he also respect his stepdaughter's desire to be connected to her dad."

'Their Journey, Not Yours'

She continued: "Watching him walk her down the aisle when it was stepdad who was the one on the scene can certainly feel heart wrenching, but blaming this young woman for the pain the adults are experiencing is misdirected. Stepdad or mom could say to his stepdaughter, 'I feel so sad and disappointed not to walk you down the aisle. Maybe you could consider having both of us do it, but whatever you decide will be fine. I want you to be happy on your wedding day and I will be there for you as always.' It works best when we let our kids know our emotions without any judgement. And most importantly, keep in mind that this is your daughter's day. If you want a long term relationship with your adult child, recognize that they will often make decisions about which you are not happy, but this is their journey, not yours."

Users voted the mother 'not the a******' but were split in their opinions.

User Itchy-Worldliness-21 said: "It's funny that she can't be in the same room at her daughter's wedding, but would invite him to the daughters birthday parties."

User Slightlystoopid wrote: "A kid at 22. No way. I couldn't imagine siding with my mom's domestic abuser at 16 let alone 22. Reddit will coddle children until their mid-twenties but tell domestic violence victims to suck it up bc their ungrateful children have no sense of empathy."

User blondepancake commented: "This. She is an adult. She can have a relationship with her bio dad but beyond that and disregarding what her mom went through is just sad imo. NTA."

Newsweek has reached out to u/ Confusedthrowaway013 for comment.

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