'Deadbeat Dad' Dragged for Setting 'Conditions' To Take in His 10-Year-Old

A father's attempt to return to his daughter's life has struck a nerve online, as other parents have rebuked him for setting "conditions" to take the child in.

The man left his daughter Nova after her birth 10 years ago, he said in Reddit's "Am I The A**hole" forum on Friday. His post swiftly racked up nearly 8,000 votes and a burst of stern counsel from other parents online.

About 20 percent of American fathers with children under 18 years old are absent from all of their children's lives, according to data from the U.S. Census Bureau's Survey of Income and Program Participation. Meanwhile, less than 6 percent of American fathers of minor children are "solo" dads who raise their children alone.

Although fathers spend more time caring for their children today than they did 50 years ago, a majority—63 percent—say they still spend too little time with their kids, according to a Pew Research Center survey in 2017. Mothers still do more of the child care and are more likely to report feeling satisfied with the amount of time they spend with their children.

"I was a terrible person back then," confessed the dad. "I didn't stay in her life and I deeply regret it. A few months ago I contacted her mom to see if I can see my child. She happily agreed to coparent with me and seemed relieved, which was understandable considering she had 4 other kids, all younger than Nova."

His 10-year-old was distant at first, said the father. Although she generally behaved well, he worried about her disregard for discipline.

"No punishment seems to work on her and also she can be very disrespectful at times," he said. "If I tell her to do something as a punishment she won't do it, or if I ground her she will just leave without my permission."

He added that Nova's mother would simply "cuss her out and yell at her" when she behaved badly, according to the girl.

On Wednesday, Nova asked her father if she could live with him from now on.

"I told her I'd love it but she can live with me with one condition, she has to follow my rules and be respectful," said the dad.

"She didn't say anything after that. After she went back to her mom's home my mom, who was there when Nova asked me this, told me i was an [a**hole] because 'if a kid is asking her deadbeat dad to take her in, there must be something very wrong so you don't make conditions for her, you just say yes and take her in.'"

The man asked Reddit if he was wrong to set conditions for his daughter to move in.

"I can't be a parent if she doesn't listen to me but now both my mom and daughter refuse to talk to me," he said.

A flurry of parents jumped into the conversation online, urging the man to heed his mother's words.

"I think you're trying to do what you think is best, but I agree with your mum. Your ten-year-old daughter living with you shouldn't be conditional," said a comment with 14,000 votes.

The user added, "She's just a kid who hasn't had the best or fairest life by the sounds of things. You possibly hurt her and let her down thinking that's all you care about and just don't want trouble."

Another reader urged the father to study healthy parenting practices. "Kids need structure and limits but they don't need constant punishments," they said in a comment with over 9,000 votes.

"You've been a parent for a few months and, with all due respect, you have no idea what you're doing. (None of us do, but most of us have 10 years of practice before having to parent a 10 year old.) Read some books, sign up for a class, please," the user said.

The father appeared to take this feedback into consideration. In an update posted later on Friday, he said that he had taken Nova out for ice cream and asked why she wanted to live with him. She answered that she didn't want to live with him anymore, telling him, "You are just gonna send me back anyway."

"I apologized to her and told her that I would never send her back and I would be very happy if she lived with me. I just want to know the reason," he said.

Nova eventually said that she was not able to sleep at home. One of her younger sisters, a baby, had taken her bedroom and cried all night.

"I told her I will talk to her mom and she will stay with me from now on and that we are gonna have some rules and I expect her to follow them but even if she doesn't, I will still love her and I won't leave her again," said the dad.

Newsweek reached out to u/Automatic_Effort2227 for comment.