How To Avoid Your In-Laws This Christmas

Believe it or not, spending quality time with family is the highlight of the holiday season for more than half (two-thirds) of Americans, according to a January 2022 survey of 2,005 Americans conducted by market research firm OnePoll.

But what do you do if the thought of Christmas with your in-laws fills you with dread?

Newsweek spoke to experts about what to do if you want to avoid your in-laws during Christmas.

Is It Rude To Not See Your In-Laws On Christmas Day?

Life coach and author Marni Goldman told Newsweek that when we set boundaries for ourselves, there's a negative connotation with it for being rude, "when that couldn't be farthest from the truth."

She noted: "I hope your marriage is healthy enough to communicate how being with your in-laws may not be on the agenda this year. It's your holiday, your family, it should be done your way.

"Remember, it's not what you say, it's how you say it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling your in-laws you might do things differently this year."

Kristina M. Scharp, an associate professor of communication at Rutgers University in New Jersey, told Newsweek that whether you'll come across as rude or not depends on multiple relationships.

For example, it may be possible that the in-laws are not so fond of you either. In that case, perhaps you could come to an agreement about how to celebrate the holidays or how frequently all of you get together, said the professor.

"I think that regardless of whether you care what is best for your in-laws, you still might consider how that relationship influences your spouse and/or your kids, if you have any. This can help you make the best decision for you and your family," she said.

1. Put Yourself First, Not Your In-Laws

Goldman said: "We only get one Christmas, there are no do-overs. There should be nothing but peace and joy during Christmas, not inward resentment and animosity."

The only person you should be worried about is yourself. How others react to what you say or do is "not your problem," the life coach said, adding "what makes you happy, that's what you do."

"It's human nature for us to want every situation we are in to be non-confrontational, unfortunately, by keeping our feelings, wants, and needs inside, is inadvertently self betrayal to oneself," she said.

2. Establish Ground Rules With Your In-Laws

Scharp said: "Spending time with your in-laws might be something you and your spouse might need to discuss collectively."

The relationship you have with your in-laws inevitably involves your partner and there are multiple boundaries you might create. For example, you could agree to visit the in-laws for a designated amount of time and discuss the type of support you might need if you choose to attend.

Goldman agreed, advising that you should let the in-laws know from the start that you're only able to stay for a few hours. "A lot of families do Christmas Eve with one side of the family, and Christmas Day with another," she noted.

Scharp said: "For some, staying away might be the only way to have an otherwise functional relationship. On the other hand, the discomfort of attending could be worth it. Thus, there likely is not a one-size-fits-all solution."

3. Start A New Christmas Tradition With Your In-Laws

Goldman suggested starting a new tradition that "takes you away from being somewhere you don't want to be."

This could entail going out of town with just your family or a "staycation" somewhere local or going to the movies.

"A good way to compromise might be to just do Christmas breakfast. Maybe your in-laws can come to you. This way, you can still possibly have the day to yourself and your family," the life coach said.

"The most important thing is that both spouses are on the same page, and on the same team."

4. Make Christmas With The In-Laws Fun

If it is absolutely unavoidable and you have to visit your in-laws during Christmas, keep yourself busy while there.

Scharp suggested perhaps offering to play games with the kids or to go on errands to pick-up last-minute groceries, spend time doing dishes or just excuse yourself for a short walk. "There are a lot of ways you might busy yourself in helpful ways that allow you to take a breather without being rude," the professor said.

Life coach and author L.E. Wilson said: "Go and make the best of it...we always have the power to reframe what we're experiencing by focusing on the positives of the situation. Changing our perspective allows us to appreciate and feel grateful for our unique and imperfect lives."

Wilson suggested turning the situation into a game: "See how many experiences you can enjoy while spending Christmas with your in-laws. After all, this is a time to grow your heart three times larger."

And if it becomes unbearable, "then politely excuse yourself and recharge with some movie therapy" or some other activity, she said.

Do you have any tips for avoiding Christmas with in-laws? Let us know via life@newsweek.com and your tips could be featured on Newsweek.