Grandad Demanding 'Exclusive Access' When Visiting Son's Baby Sparks Debate

A mom confused by her in-laws requesting "exclusive access" to her new baby has sparked a heated debate on Mumsnet.

Posting to the Am I Being Unreasonable? (AIBU) forum on 16 September, user FTM2B1 said her father-in-law and his partner only agree to visit if her parents aren't there, choosing to go on vacation instead of spending time with their granddaughter.

Fellow users were split on the situation.

Although some agree the poster has a right to be offended, others feel it's "reasonable" for the grandparents to not want to be involved.

How Important Are Grandparent Relationships?

A 2016 study indicated that grandparents who are highly involved with their grandchildren are a big influence, impacting both physical and mental health outcomes long term. Earlier research suggests that maternal grandparents have a particular impact on their grandchildren, as they tend to be closer.

The relationship between a grandparent and their grandchildren is dependent on multiple factors including distance, contact, time spent babysitting, family expectations and time dedicated to bonding in a child's early years.

Grandparents who live in close proximity, provide childcare, and make a concerted effort to bond with their grandchildren while they're young are much more likely to have a close relationship as adults, as are grandparents who live far away but make regular contact and families where close relationships with grandparents are prioritized.

'Puzzled'

In her post, FTM2B1 said she and her husband live 300 miles away from their parents. The couple had their first baby in May and both sets of parents were excited to meet their grandchild, coming for a joint visit.

She wrote: "As we don't all get the chance to get together often we had their visits overlap by a few days, so each set had their own time with baby but we also got to spend time together too."

Since the baby's birth, the poster's retired parents have stopped by regularly. However, her in-laws, who still work full-time, haven't visited since.

When the poster suggested her husband, baby and her parents come for a visit, her father-in-law was unhappy with the idea, requesting "exclusive access" since they see them less often.

"I thought this was an odd way to phrase it, but didn't think it unreasonable to ask," she said. "We agreed and said we'd come alone so they didn't need to share the visit with the other set of grandparents."

Still, the trip ended up not going ahead due to timing issues. Since then, the in-laws have been ignoring the poster's messages.

"They haven't spoken a word to us since we suggested this and have ignored any updates on baby to the point I've stopped sending anything for now," she said.

This week, her husband spotted vacation photos of his dad and his partner on Facebook, taken less than an hour away from the poster's home.

"He messaged them in our group chat to confirm this and they said yes they were an hour away," she wrote. "We asked if we would see them during the visit and the response was simply 'no we will not be visiting we needed some time for just us.'"

The in-laws' response upset the poster and her husband, with her father-in-law leaving the group chat shortly afterward.

"We haven't had a falling out prior to this and I'm really puzzled as to what's happened," she said.

"If it were just me and [my husband] I wouldn't really be too bothered but I'm really hurt that they'd almost go out of their way NOT to see the baby, especially after asking to see her more often.

"AIBU to be offended by this???"

Mumsnet users were divided by the story. User abovedecknotbelow suggested "there's something going on in their lives" that the poster and her husband are unaware of, while Hymnulop told her to "butt out."

"Don't guilt trip them any further," she said. "Leave this to your partner to sort out there's obviously an issue."

Others believed the plan to bring her parents along on a visit had soured the relationship with her in-laws.

"I don't know about the rest of it but the thing about all having time together makes me think maybe they're not keen on your parents," said SandieCollins.

"They're definitely annoyed, and that will be why they don't want to visit you now," said BadNomad.

"I can imagine most parents would absolutely hate visiting when the other set of parents are there," agreed Noteverybodylives.

Some users believed that the in-laws are just not interested in being grandparents.

"Unfortunately what's a priority for you, may not be for others," said Subaru4336.

"Maybe you'll get an explanation in time," wrote HowardsBend. "But if this is just how they are, I can't see the love there for your [husband] or the baby. Very very cold."

While UWhatNow commented: "Not everyone is interested in their [grandchild] I guess. It's a shame but ultimately their loss.

"I'd mentally write them off now as having burned their bridges."

Newsweek wasn't able to verify the details of this case.