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I've been practicing clinical psychology and cognitive behavioral therapy for anxiety, depression, and sleep issues for two decades. I always knew I wanted to become a licensed clinical psychologist but I found my passion for sleep while working in medical research the year before I went to graduate school.
A big part of that research involved going to rehabilitation centers for people suffering from alcohol dependency. We discovered that treating patients for their sleep problems—ideally early in the recovery process—lowered their risk of relapse because in many cases, they were turning to alcohol when they couldn't sleep. We noticed positive changes in people in just a few weeks. It was incredibly rewarding. After seeing the power sleep has over someone's well being, I knew I wanted to pursue it further in my career.
Now, many years later, I have my own private practice in New York, and I could still treat sleep all day long. It's one of the best feelings, seeing the difference a good night's sleep can make. I work with people from many different walks of life, as my clients come from a wide array of backgrounds and circumstances. I work with patients of all ages for sleep issues, babies through older adults. I also see patients for depression and anxiety issues.
I specialize in behavioral sleep medicine (BSM), which uses evidence-based methods to improve sleep without relying on medication. There are behavioral interventions for issues such as insomnia, circadian rhythm disorders, apnea treatment compliance and nightmares, and these interventions are essential to a thorough treatment plan.
Some sleep challenges are more prevalent than others, and chronic insomnia is one of the most common issues I treat. It's very common for people to come to me with complaints about sharing the bed with their partner, as it can contribute to insomnia for various reasons.
When two people are struggling to share a bed at night, I'll start with identifying the specific problems that are interfering with sleep. If I suspect one of the partners has a sleep disorder—such as sleep apnea, which can lead to loud snoring—I'll recommend a sleep study, so they can be evaluated for the issue and we can try out treatments to help.
However, sometimes, even after trying treatments, the client and their partner's sleep styles will still not be compatible. For instance, even after treating sleep apnea, there might still be some residual snoring that impacts the partner's sleep.
When your partner negatively impacts your sleep, it can stir up resentment and unhappiness that trickles into your day-to-day life. If you can improve this issue, it can lead to a closer and more bonded relationship.
What is "sleep divorce"?
The topic of "sleep divorce" comes up all too regularly in my sessions, which is where couples decide to sleep in separate beds or separate rooms because their differing sleep patterns are disrupting their sleep quality.
As a clinical psychologist, I strongly dislike the term "sleep divorce," as it can have a very negative and shameful connotation. Sleeping separately is a normal, common, and healthy solution for a lot of couples out there who aren't getting the sleep they need. High-quality sleep is essential for our overall health, happiness, and productivity throughout our lives—so there should be no shame in doing what it takes to achieve it.
I always want to see what the couple's priorities are before I recommend sleeping separately—some people do want to try every other possible option first. Oftentimes, as they walk me through their sleep habits, I can identify areas worth tweaking. I'm more than happy to do everything we can to keep partners in the same bed if that's the goal. However, sometimes it's not enough.
Sleeping separately is not typically the first thing I recommend, but when there's still no real progress for them after tweaking their existing routines, I recommend experimenting with sleeping in separate environments.
I much prefer the term "sleep alliance," which my colleague Dr. Wendy Troxel coined, to "sleep divorce." It really is an alliance. You're agreeing as a couple to work together to improve your individual health and overall relationship. This is not the time to blame the other person for ruining your sleep, but rather, the time to work out a solution for you both to get better rest.
How "sleep divorce" can improve a relationship
I've worked with countless couples who are perfectly happy in their relationship while their sleep situation is a point of contention. One couple in particular that I've worked with struggled with this problem for years. The husband's snoring was the root of the issue, and it was keeping his wife up at night. They sought out different solutions, from earplugs to getting treated for sleep apnea, but nothing was working.
At this point, I suggested trying out sleeping separately. They came around to the idea and are both now getting better sleep. Sleeping separately helped them to have more meaningful connections throughout the day, leading to a happier and healthier life for both partners.
After everyone agrees, sleeping in separate beds or rooms is the best remedy, it doesn't stop there. Next I like to ensure comfortable sleep arrangements for both partners. That means one person doesn't get the main bedroom while the other sleeps on the couch. Sometimes the issues at hand allow for the couple to still share the room, but sleep in their own beds.
How to maintain intimacy while sleeping separately
I often hear a lot of concerns from clients about what it could do to their intimacy. In this case, I tell them to pick the one bed that's going to be for their intimate times—whether that's spending time together, cuddling, or having sex. When it's time to go to sleep, that's when each person goes to their own sleep spaces. Having this combination of set intimate time and high-quality sleep can actually strengthen the relationship as a whole.
I have had so many couples be outwardly concerned about sleeping apart and how that could impact their intimate life. It is definitely weird for many people at first, but once they get into the habit of "relaxing" together in bed, talking, connecting, maybe even watching TV for a short while, being intimate, it becomes a way for people to connect more directly. When it is time to roll over and go to sleep, they go to their separate spaces. Sure, it is awkward at first for many clients I've worked with, but they come to welcome the time of intimacy—in whatever form that might take every night—and then see it as a win/win: better intimacy and improved sleep.
If you are struggling to get quality sleep due to you and your bed partner not being compatible for sleep, it may be time to bring up the topic of sleeping separately. Both partners in the relationship should want to feel their best during the day, so that they can be stronger as a couple—and sleeping separately may just be the answer.
Dr. Shelby Harris is a licensed clinical psychologist and Director of Sleep Health at Sleepopolis. She is the author of The Woman's Guide to Overcoming Insomnia.
All views expressed in this article are the author's own.
