'I Created a Way To Date Without Ghosting'

Before the pandemic, I found it easier to be social because there were constant events, parties and opportunities to connect with others. Then in 2020, I joined a dating app because I felt that it was difficult for me to meet people in person. I was also ready for a romantic relationship and I wanted to start seeing people.

But after several months of being on dating apps, I realized that I was subconsciously being forced into behaviors that I wouldn't usually do in real life.

For example, usually, if I am romantically invested in somebody, I only speak to and invest in them and if the relationship doesn't work out, only then would I move on with somebody else.

Instead, I found that on these online dating apps, I was adopting a different behavioral pattern. I was talking to multiple people at once and after speaking with a girl for a few weeks, I would think that maybe there was no spark between us and begin entertaining somebody else at the same time.

I knew that I wouldn't end up meeting a lot of these people face to face, but I continued to flirt with many of them in order to keep my options open.

Trying "typical" dating apps

Speaking in a romantic way to many people at once felt like I was having a cigarette for the first time. A part of me thought, I really shouldn't be doing this, but another part of me enjoyed all of the attention that I was getting. I liked the idea that 20 people could be into me, and it somehow made me feel like I was cool and hard to get.

I realized that it gave me the instant self-gratification that I needed to feed my ego. But I also felt guilty, because I knew that I wanted something deep and authentic.

The heavy usage of these dating apps lasted for a year. I went on a few dates but didn't feel like I had an authentic connection with any of the people that I was dating. I then started questioning myself and thinking that maybe I wasn't looking for a relationship—maybe I was confused and I wanted attention, human interaction, company, and community.

I decided to take a break from dating apps, as I felt that I was becoming shallow.

Creating my own dating app

I believe that the typical online dating model works for some people, but there are also people like me who want something different. So, in 2021, I began brainstorming an idea for an app with my friend. Because we are app developers and designers, we thought that we could try to create a healthier dating app, and maybe do things differently.

So, we started working on Tame in October 2021 and by December 2022, the app was live. During the early stages of designing the app, I knew that there was, and still is, heavy usage of dating apps and I wanted to create something that was unique, and that didn't feel degrading.

At the moment, a lot of people are very dependent on modern technology and smartphones, so I began thinking: How can we humanize the dating app model again without making it about instant gratification?

I began looking at the typical features of other dating apps that I thought that my friend and I could improve on. We weren't too bothered about creating something completely perfect at first, because that wasn't really possible.

But, we did make it clear that we will be listening to people who used our app and interacting with them, as well as changing our ideas based on what they request.

Real-life interactions typically differ to the interactions that we have online. On the internet, I find that people have a lot of choices and they tend to date others based on how they look, rather than their personality, too.

I believe that there should be more to a first interaction on a dating app than looking at someone's picture and deciding whether you want to speak to them very quickly.

So, we came up with a system whereby a user chooses a few questions to put on their profile for others to answer. In that way, people can also check for deal breakers by asking questions like, "Do you smoke?" or "Are you a Christian?" Other questions are fun and light hearted; they can range from, "What is your ideal date?" to "What is your dream job?"

After joining the app, the user scrolls through the profiles on the homepage and clicks on one person. Then, that person's questions come up. The user would then answer these questions and if the subject likes the answers, they will then answer that persons questions, too. The two people then enter a chatroom and cannot speak to anybody else.

If the other person doesn't like the answers that they receive, they can also reject the person before choosing to be in a chat room with them. There is a form that pops up whereby this person can say why they do not want to engage in a conversation. After letting the moderators know why you have rejected the person's profile, you are free to choose another profile to engage with.

I also decided to ban the swiping feature on my app, as I felt that it mirrored a human supermarket and that it was sometimes dehumanizing. I wanted the people on the app to have genuine conversations and deep connections.

The "anti-ghosting" feature

In person, I find that if you are dating somebody and you are no longer interested in them, you typically have a conversation before you stop speaking to that person; there is a level of social etiquette involved. But, with a lot of other dating apps, you are not required to do that. I feel that this can be confusing and degrading to the other person.

So, I began thinking of ways to have a sense of accountability online when it comes to dating somebody, or even in basic conversions. I thought, how can we not force people to be nice, but create an environment where they can't be as hurtful or offensive?

An individual can only have one conversation with another person at a time on the app. Many people believe that the whole point of dating apps is to have a choice, but our idea is to try and get people to invest in someone first, and if they don't like them, they can close the conversation and have one with somebody else. This also prevents people from wasting each other's time and potentially ghosting one another.

But on the app, if you no longer want to engage in a conversation with somebody, they will be alerted; unless you decide to delete the app.

The anti-ghosting feature may not work for everybody. Some have called it an "online prison" and originally, there were a lot of concerns surrounding the function. Some people suggested that it may be dangerous if a user didn't feel comfortable alerting someone, particularly someone offensive, that they have left the chat room.

But, there is no obligation for any of our users to justify why they have decided to leave the a conversation, and once the conversation is closed, you can no longer view this person's profile or look them up on the app.

I do not want people to be in any danger while using the app. But I also believe that if you are bringing people together in person, or online, there is always going to be some level of risk where there is a human interaction.

Receiving a lot of attention online

Before we even began advertising the app, we had received some negative backlash on Twitter. I began reading some comments from people destroying our idea of an online dating app not having a swiping feature.

It's always scary having people be angry about something that you made. You begin thinking "Did I do something wrong, am I hurting somebody's feelings, or am I excluding people?"

Then I realized that people are trying to hold others accountable online when it comes to ghosting people, so this app is actually very beneficial to some people. And, I also received a lot of positive feedback. Some were excited about the app launching and thought that it was unique. Since launching, we have had over 12,000 downloads and I am happy to see that people are using and engaging with the app. It's exciting to see people using something that I have made.

Even in a short time, we can see that people have already been having ongoing conversations. Of course, we're not allowed to peek into chat rooms, but we know that people are engaging with one another and connecting. No one has met the love of their life yet, as it is very new, but I do hope that it will present people with a unique and healthy way of dating.

Léo Dubois is the co-founder of Tame. He is also a software and app developer. You can find out more about Tame here.

All views expressed in this article are the author's own.

As told to Newsweek associate editor Carine Harb.

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