In-Laws Expecting 9-Months-Pregnant Woman To Host a Party Slammed

The internet has urged a woman to stand up for herself and refuse to host her in-laws' party at her home when she is nine months pregnant.

In a series of posts on Mumsnet, a user called BrinaEds explained that her in-laws want to throw a birthday party at her house in a few weeks' time, because it is larger than their own.

The mom-to-be will be about nine months pregnant by then, so she's not keen on having 30 guests. However, she feels "obliged" to say yes, because her husband's family helped her cook for his birthday party a little while ago.

Her husband has told his family he's happy to host—and told his wife he will "manage the day" and the cleaning afterwards. She added: "I've said I don't think it's a good idea and I don't think it's considerate but nothing seems to move [his] thinking."

According to Planned Parenthood's month-by-month pregnancy guide, at nine months the growing fetus places more and more strain on the mother's body. Fatigue, trouble sleeping, trouble holding urine, shortness of breath, varicose veins and stretch marks are all common.

The mom-to-be wrote that she felt "just too tired" and has recently recovered from a cold, so her immune system is not in great shape. She is also concerned about rising rates of COVID infection in her area.

Rachel Holzberg, a psychologist at Manhattan Wellness in New York City, told Newsweek that favors do not always need to be returned, especially at the cost of someone else's internal peace.

"In this situation, nothing is 'due' to the in-law, even though at times it can feel like you would like to return the favor … Nine months pregnant to be hosting is not an ideal circumstance.

"We can want to do something for someone, and also [accept] that we physically, emotionally and mentally cannot make it happen at that specific time. If something is causing us more harm than good, it is important to access our feelings and be honest with our partner in hopes [of] a compromise."

Elizabeth Marks, also a psychologist at Manhattan Wellness, said strong relationships were not dependent on "tit for tat" treatment.

She told Newsweek: "When we do something for someone, we do it because we want to and care. To do things with the expectations of an equal return creates a 'tit for tat' balance in a relationship where there is a lack of authenticity. Showing gratitude for others does not need to be done in acts deemed equal by the two parties and if we are feeling the need for that in the relationship, it might be something worthy of discussion.

"Approaching boundary building with in-laws is often more successful when you drop the content and focus on the feelings. Dropping the content means not focusing on the singular issue or annoyance, but focusing on the emotional goal and how the family unit wants to feel together."

Most of the 550-plus comments on the Mumsnet thread told the woman to just say no.

One user, MichelleScarn commented: "Why can't they have in their own home or hire somewhere? Flat no from me!"

Dannexe suggested the woman tell them: "No, sorry, that just won't be possible. But if you pay for a room hire somewhere I will happily help you to plan it to the extent that I'm able to before I give birth."

Another user, Garman, said simply: "It's madness to even consider it."

Shipwreckedonhighseas wrote: "Just explain it's too much and there's a high chance you could be in labor/early stages of labor/back in the house with a baby and it would be stressful and difficult."

Lanthanum added: "At that close to [the] due date, you have an exceedingly good reason to say no - you might not even be there (or possibly you're planning a home water birth in the lounge!). It's a preposterous idea to ask you to host, and if your friend doesn't understand that then you're better off without them.

"And make sure [your husband] knows that if the event happens somewhere, your baby's birth takes precedence over his attendance at the party - I'm a bit alarmed that he doesn't seem to think it's out of the question for you to host."

Newsweek was not able to verify the details of the case.