Man Refusing To Help Ex Living off Charity Backed—'Only Care About My Kids'

A man has been backed online after he told his ex-wife he didn't care if she and her family starved.

Following a bitter row between the divorced couple, the man shared how he had refused to let his ex-wife off child support payments despite her financial worries.

Posting on Reddit's r/AmITheA****** sub, user u/Small-Fondant-1273 explained: "I have two sons ages 16 and 14 with my ex-wife. Our marriage reached a bitter end when I learned she had remained married to me for over three years so I would support her through returning to school so she could switch careers to an even better paying one, despite her old one paying as much as mine."

The poster said he tried for years to save the marriage, but when his ex-wife graduated school and got her new job they divorced.

"Custody was set to 50/50 for our boys and she was ordered to pay child support to me because she was making so much more after her change of career and education," said the man. "She remarried a year after our divorce and had more children. After the birth of her last child four years ago things got bad."

Her new husband was diagnosed with cancer and one of her children was diagnosed with a long-term medical condition, at the same time COVID impacted her job.

"Our boys would tell me how rough things were at their mom's and how they wanted to live more with me, so I went to court and the judged moved her down to every other weekend and changed the child support order to reflect her decrease in custody," explained the poster.

Psychotherapist Beverly Blackman told Newsweek: "The emotional impact of situations like these can be enormous. Money is being used as a source of power for both. The ex-wife appears entitled and demanding, and is not above using emotional manipulation and gaslighting to get what she wants. The man wants to withhold money, both from a practical perspective and because of her past behavior in using him. Is this actually about money, or is this about who has power over who? To me, this is more about power."

But things have continued to get worse for his ex-wife, who has moved into a smaller home and struggled to make ends meet financially. When the court refused to stop her child support payments, she went to her ex-husband instead.

"She called me a selfish a*****e. Told me her family is living off charity and they could be so much better off if I would help them," said the poster.

"She told me I needed to help her and that I should be helping to take care of my boys family, and that's what she and her family are. I told her she used me for three f****** years so she could survive off my money, she did not get to ask me for more, to support a family that is not my own," he wrote. "She told me about her family and how they would starve. I told her I didn't care if they did or not. That none of them are my problem and I only care about my kids."

Life coach Rob Brennan told Newsweek: "It's very common for people to use money as a controlling tactic in any split up and any breakup.

"I think this individual is well within his rights to demand the child support payment. Because it's not just about the moment in question, it's about all the years that he's supported her too."

Online though, thousands of Redditors also sided with the ex-husband. In one comment which has over 14,000 upvotes a reply said: "NTA [Not the a******], but make sure you have a high-level conversation with your boys so that they're prepared for your ex and her husband to try to paint you as the root of all evil when they go over there."

"Her new family isn't your family," said another reply.

"If the courts refused to end child support payments, that rather indicates that the problem isn't so much the lack of income as it is the allocation of said income," said another Redditor. "Our family has lived off beans, rice, ramen, sale meats, and discount produce before. Times are tough for everyone, especially with inflation being what it is."

"Fallouts between a divorced couple, especially when it comes to money, are very common. Each person wants to move on with their lives, but the fact that they had children holds them together," said Blackman. "Children are an emotional attachment and require love, understanding and flexibility, whereas money is the one thing that can be kept separate from the kids—and so it is often the thing that becomes weaponized between a divorced couple."

Others agreed that the man had no responsibility to help his ex-wife and her family financially: "I get so annoyed with people who do this to their ex. Your responsibility is to your sons not to her blended family," said another reply.

"Karma is eating her a** up!" said another Redditor.

"The children will suffer in a fractious situation like this. In an ideal world, people put the children first and prioritize them. It really doesn't happen that often though," said Brennan. "My advice to anyone in that situation is to be kind, caring, and considerate and loving to the children and to meet their needs on every level that you can and don't badmouth your partner to them. So I would encourage him to not speak ill of her at all, even if her behaviour wouldn't support that sort of treatment. If he maintains his dignity, and keeps his head above water, looks after the children the best he can and does all that he can for them as they grow older, they'll see the truth and they'll see who the most supportive person is and the most kind and calm and generous. Kids aren't stupid."

Newsweek reached out to u/Small-Fondant-1273 for comment. We could not verify the details of the case.

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UPDATE 01/04/2023 03.06 a.m. ET: This article was updated with additional expert comment.