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A mom who says she doesn't want to "choose between" her daughters is being dragged for doing exactly that by taking sides in a longstanding feud between them.
The mother, u/ClothesRadiant730, shared her story to the popular r/AmITheA**hole Reddit forum, earning 6,300 upvotes and 1,400 comments for her post, "AITA for refusing to choose between my daughters".
The original poster's (OP) daughters are "Erika," 23, and "Sarah," 25. Erika and Sarah have "never gotten along," she says, and while she hoped that would change when they became adults, it didn't.
"I've tried very hard to encourage them to grow together, as it was always my wish for them to be best friends and take care of each other when I'm gone. Nothing worked and they seemed bent on hating each other," u/ClothesRadiant730 wrote.
While it doesn't sound like the two were ever friendly, OP says that one of the biggest sticking points is when Erika was 16, Sarah's close friend died. The funeral was scheduled at the same time as one of Erika's sporting events, and she had to miss it. While OP says that Erika "said some terrible things" to her sister, she also adds that Erika "didn't know better" as she'd "never had a friend die before."
"Sarah is apparently still mad about that which I think is evidence of how she can be really resentful," she wrote.
OP says that Sarah stopped talking to Erika when she left for college. While Erika stayed at home, she and her mother "grew closer," and OP had hopes their relationship would be mended. Sarah "seemed to make an effort to get along" with Erika once Erika went off to college as well—but then Sarah said her sister was "bullying" her and blocked her on her phone.
When Erika told her mother that Sarah had blocked her, OP demanded Sarah tell her why—and then told her "family is family and you can't just block family for no reason," calling Sarah "immature."
"It's been about 2 years and Sarah hasn't had a relationship with Erika since. Every time I see Sarah, I try to remind her that Erika loves her and tell her about the realities of the situation - that Sarah is successful and Erika just gets jealous sometimes. Sarah always seems really upset when I bring up Erika and gets moody," she wrote.
Now, Sarah is getting married. OP was upset that she didn't invite Erika to the engagement party, again telling her it was hard for Erika to see Sarah's success. She also kept asking if Erika was invited to the wedding, and Sarah eventually "snapped at her" that she doesn't have any relationship with her and doesn't know why OP would think Erika would be invited.
"I was horrified. In my view, Sarah's childish, vengeful antics have gone too far. You just don't treat family like this - not inviting them to your wedding?" u/ClothesRadiant730 wrote. "I want nothing to do with the wedding at this point - I'll attend, but I have no desire to help a daughter who treats family like this. I feel like Sarah is just asking me to pick between her and her sister and I want nothing to do with it. My husband thinks I might be being a little harsh, but Erika agrees with my decision."
Though the OP says that "you can't just block family," sometimes that's the best route to a healthy, happy life. Sometimes family members can mend relationships and become happier together than apart—but that generally only happens when a third party isn't trying to force it.
And sometimes, family members can be "toxic." Toxic family members aren't just people that one doesn't get along with—it's someone who "clearly shows an extreme amount of disrespect or actual malice towards you" or "someone whose level of disrespect and malice towards themselves causes them to disrupt the lives of everybody else around them," psychologist Chloe Carmichael told Newsweek.
Carmichael lays out three ways to handle a toxic family member. She recommends setting boundaries and sticking to them and attempting to talk it out first. But if these both fail, the third way is the most drastic—and appears to be the way Sarah took—evaluating if one needs them in their life, and if the answer is "no," cutting all contact from them.
Toxicity manifests itself in many ways—including some strange ones, like one family who tried to forbid a pregnant woman from touching her own belly. But commonly, toxicity takes the form of favoritism or people exerting control over another's life, even when they're an adult.
Redditors came down hard on the OP, calling her out for clearly taking Erika's side and some even questioned if she liked her other daughter.
"[You're the A**hole]," u/dr-thicc-hamster wrote in the top-rated comment with 17,000 upvotes. "Blocking family for no reason? She literally gave u a very detailed list of reasons. How come ure always making excuses for one child and always brushing off all issues of ur other one?"
"[You're the A**hole] - you mention a lot of times you've encouraged your older daughter to be more respectful. You've mentioned exactly zero times you've corrected your younger daughter's behaviour or expected her to be nice to her sister. Why is that?" u/redcore4 wrote.
"You also mention times when your older daughter has literally told you that her sister is being unkind and demanding and rude to her and you've used quotation marks for the word 'bullying' showing that you really don't believe her at all. Why is that?" they continued. "It sounds a lot like you're completely blind to your baby's faults and you blame all the friction on the old one who 'should know better', but your younger daughter is persistently bratty and entitled and you enable this all the way. I wouldn't bet on your older daughter being desperately upset if you decided not to support the wedding: she's had no support for you so far in life so why change now?"
"Wait...at Sarah's ENGAGEMENT PARTY, rather than congratulating her, you told her it was hard for Erika to see her be successful? And you do not understand why you're the a**hole?" u/Acrobatic-Cover2712 wrote. "It seems like Sarah is never allowed to enjoy anything without you bringing up Erika. I don't know if it's Erika that is jealous or you, but it sounds exhausting. No wonder Sarah fled.[You're the A**hole]"
"Major [You're the A**hole] after [revealing what happened at the funeral] you've already chooses a child," u/Acrobatic_Position25 wrote. "16 is WAY above the age most kids know to not be the most f**king spoiled and entitled person I've ever seen".
"You sound like you really don't even like your own child... I'm guessing it's lucky that only one person isn't invited to the wedding..." u/zlm542 wrote.
"Do you even like Sarah??????" u/pastelsundaye asked.
Newsweek reached out to u/ClothesRadiant730 for comment.
About the writer
Matt Keeley is a Newsweek editor based in Seattle. His focus is reporting on trends and internet culture. He has ... Read more