Fury at Parent Wanting to Teach a Lesson to 5-Year-Old Not Saying Thanks

Over 85 percent of Mumsnet users have voted a parent unreasonable for wanting to take their daughter's Advent calendar away "to teach her to say thank you." In the post, the parent explains that their five-year-old daughter refuses to say "hello," "goodbye," and "thank you."

User ItsNotReallyChaos explained: "I've just given her her Advent calendar and she didn't say thank you. She's not a spoilt child in terms of material stuff. I only really buy presents for birthday/Christmas, with the occasional book bought in between times but she just never seems grateful to receive things."

The user said they felt they had failed as a parent "as by now hello, goodbye and thank you should be automatic."

The Center for Parenting Education, a nonprofit that provides parenting support, reports that children as young as 18 months can learn the fundamentals about manners, "by being taught to say 'please' and 'thank you' when appropriate, even if they do not understand the reasons for being polite."

Newsweek spoke to Ruth Freeman, a psychotherapist and founder and president of parental resource hub Peace at Home Parenting Solutions, about this parenting problem.

"There are two important principles that [parent] may want to keep in mind as [they] focus on teaching [their] child good manners. First, most misbehavior is the result of a mismatch between adult expectations and child capacities. At five years old, children's brains are still developing, and the emotional center of her brain is more developed than the thinking part of the brain. This means that her daughter may become overwhelmed with feelings from time to time and those feelings often drive her behavior."

Freeman said that by the age of six, the thinking part of the brain becomes more active.

"Second, it will help [the parent] to recognize what the research tells us—punishment does not improve behavior in the long run. You can scare kids into compliance in the moment, but if you want long-term behavior change, you need to use the opposite approach.

"We know that we can reduce misbehavior by consistently bringing attention to the opposite of the misbehavior. So, in this case, if [the] daughter doesn't say "thank you," [the parent] can ignore that behavior for now. Any time the daughter is polite, asks for something politely, or says 'thank you' or 'please,' the [parent] wants to get really excited and describe the behavior with lots of enthusiasm [like] 'I love when you speak so politely and say please!'

"[They] may also want to do something physical like a high-five or [give] a hug. Kids need and reach for their parent's attention. You will get more of the behavior that you bring attention to, in your kids. Most parents do a great job of bringing attention to misbehavior and then getting more of it."

According to Freeman, the parent may also want to look at how well the adults in their little one's life are modeling polite behavior. "That will go a long way in inspiring [their] daughter to reach for that behavior. Right now, it sounds like [the parent] is locked in a 'power struggle' and making it worse with punishment will not end well. It seems most of the participants in this conversation recognize this challenge and that punishment won't do the job."

User Savoretti said, "A bit late now, you should have said something at the time when she didn't say thank you. And brought her up on it each time she didn't say hello or goodbye."

User biggerbetterfasterstronger commented, "How can she have a full understanding of basic manners if she doesn't say hello, bye or thank you."

User MistyFrequencies wrote, "She's 5. Tell her to say thank you. Remind her. And let the kid have her Advent calendar."

Newsweek could not verify the details of the case.