Step-Gran Only Taking Biological Grandkid on Trips Backed: 'Bonding'

A step-gran has been backed for only taking her biological grandchild on biannual trips.

Over 500 people responded to a lengthy post on the popular Mumsnet discussion forum shared by a widower who uses the handle @louisart.

He explained his 16-year-old daughter, Iris, goes on trips with his late wife's mom but his stepdaughter Rose, 13, is "jealous" so he has been asked to stop the trips.

Newsweek spoke to a family therapist who has offered advice on how to treat the teenagers equally in their new family.

In 2021, U.S. Census Bureau data revealed there were 67.54 million married men and 68.33 million married women living in the United States. This is compared to 3.58 million widowed men and 11.61 million widowed women.

The Mumsnet user explained he remarried this year, and they have all "gotten along well" until this summer when Iris came back from a trip with her maternal grandmother.

He states the trips have been a tradition since Iris was a little girl and a great "bonding" opportunity for the pair. The dad points out Iris often comes back with "new stuff" as they go shopping whilst away. This year, they were "very kind" to bring a gift back for him, his wife, and Rose.

However, the teenager did some "snooping" and was "very jealous" to find Iris had more stuff and thought it was "unfair." He describes their household to be "tense" as Iris is planning her winter trip with her gran.

He said: "Unfortunately my wife and I cannot afford to take Rose on a similar trip right now. I thought that we could try saving up to go someplace special in a few years, but my wife thinks that I should tell Iris and her grandmother that they cannot go on their trips at all anymore in the meantime.

"I feel like it's unfair to stop these trips when she enjoys and looks forward to them so much and that stopping the trips will only cause her to resent Rose. She however said it's unfair to Rose to continue them and that stopping them is the only way we can keep peace in our household and keep the girls feeling like they are equals. I think it unreasonable to expect them to be treated equally by each other's non-mutual family members and that the important thing is that we treat them equally."

Newsweek spoke to Hilary Sims, an expert working with anxiety, depression, families, and bereavement.

She said: "This is a tough situation as it is important that both girls feel they are being treated equally in their new family. However, the trips away with grandma are nothing to do with either parent or the current home situation. These trips were happening before this family lived together. Also, seeing grandma is good for Iris as this is a connection with her late mother.

"Grandma is entitled to buy Iris presents and it was a nice thing that they bought everyone else a present from this trip too. Sadly, there is a chance that someone will end up not very happy here, Rose because Iris goes away with grandma or Iris because the trips are stopped.

"Ideally, both parents need to speak to Rose and try to understand why she feels the way she does about Iris' trips. I know this is difficult for Rose to understand, but is it really fair to expect these trips to stop just because you are not invited along?

"The parents need to explain to Rose, that Iris hasn't got a mother anymore and see if she can imagine how this might feel. (I appreciate this is difficult to understand). Also, try to explain to Rose the importance of the connection with grandma in view of the fact that Iris no longer has a mother. How would Rose feel if she was asked to stop doing something that she enjoyed?

"Both girls have to feel they are treated equally within the family unit, but what happens outside of this has to be seen as individual events, and unfortunately, neither parent has control over what another family member might want to buy the girls. A solution might be looking into the possibility of Rose doing something with her grandparents."

Only 2 percent of Mumsnet users have voted "you're being unreasonable" as other users feel the trips should continue.

One person said: "One is her granddaughter. The daughter of her deceased daughter. The other isn't even vaguely related, why would she? Your wife and her daughter need to suck it up. Of course, things aren't fair. I can't imagine your daughter thinks it's fair her mom died either.

"Things are often not exactly the same in blended families, because the kids have different extended families. Deciding your daughter can no longer go on trips with her grandmother because YOU remarried and your new wife's daughter is jealous, would be ridiculous."

"Your daughter and her grandma are doing nothing wrong and their trips sound lovely. I can understand a 13-year-old being jealous, but your wife needs to manage this behavior. Totally not ok if your wife suggests your dd stops the trips! That's awful actually," said another.

Newsweek was not able to verify the details of the case.