Bride Excluding Step-Mom From Her Wedding Sparks Debate: 'The Other Woman'

A post about a woman who married her current husband following an affair and wasn't invited to her stepdaughter's wedding has gone viral on Mumsnet, the U.K.-based online forum.

In a post shared on Mumsnet's Am I Being Unreasonable (AIBU) subforum, user Suziestan said she "had a brief affair" with her husband before they got together 10 years ago. "It's something I'm really not proud about and I would never behave like that again. We now have a young son and I have a nice relationship with my older DH [dear husband's] children, though it has taken a while for us to get there."

The woman said her stepdaughter got married recently but her husband's ex-wife, who "has struggled to get over the marriage ending," asked that the user not attend the wedding as the ex-wife "would find it upsetting."

The original poster asked: "AIBU to be pissed off?" She said: "I'm struggling to know where the line is between accepting that I will always be treated like this" or that it's not okay for her and her son "to be treated like they are not important members of the family..."

According to a June 2018 study in the peer-reviewed journal Family Process, stepfamilies are among the fastest-growing forms of family in the U.S. The findings of a Pew Research Center survey published in January 2011 found that seven out of 10 American adults who have at least one step relative said they're "very satisfied with their family life."

A March 2018 article in Family Process looking at the dynamics of the major challenges presented by a stepfamily structure stated that "insider/outsider positions are intense and they are fixed" and "stepcouples must build a new family culture while navigating previously established family cultures."

The user from the latest Mumsnet post said she offered not to attend the wedding, as she "didn't want there to be any drama or upset" on her stepdaughter's big day. "My DH children and my DH were all very quick to say that would be best. It was also decided my son wouldn't attend."

The user said: "I was honestly very hurt that no one in the family seemed bothered by neither of us being there," adding that she "genuinely" wants her husband to have a good relationship with his ex-wife, but "it feels off" when she refuses to acknowledge the user and her son.

The original poster said: "I'm really upset that after 10 years I still feel like the 'other woman' and that my son is being excluded also. I know I hurt people and I'm really very sorry. I have tried my best to make amends.

"I'm honestly a bit exhausted by carrying the shame of it (DH doesn't seem to be treated any differently by anyone!) I hate that my son is being treated differently also," the user said.

It's Understandable to Desire Compassion

Cory Montfort, a licensed professional counselor-supervisor (LPC-S) and owner of The Montfort Group (a team of counselors and licensed therapists based in Dallas, Texas), told Newsweek that "it's understandable" that the user in the latest post "doesn't want anyone, especially those her husband loves or has loved, not to extend that compassion and love to her as well."

The original poster wishes her stepfamily knew "all of her," not just "the negative aspects of the affair—after all, she's so much more than that!"

Montfort said: "She likely feels a genuine need to convince the ex-wife and her family that she's a good woman, and he's a good man, and that this was for the best, even though it wasn't the ideal foundation."

Forgive Yourself

Montfort noted: "It stands to reason that she would feel protective over her place in his life, just like his ex-wife did (and may continue to with their daughter)."

The user "may want to dislike the ex for this decision, but she actually relates to her, because she's also protective and values loyalty."

The LPC-S said that deep down, the user "may feel that if his ex-wife can forgive her, maybe she can forgive herself finally as well."

Don't Wait for Permission to Legitimize Your Place

Montfort advised the original poster should "stop waiting for an invitation from his ex-wife to legitimize her place in his life. His past is still working itself out, and may take more time to do so. It's valid that she feels like a third-wheel with his ex-wife, because, in reality, she IS a third-wheel in that system."

As far as the wedding was concerned, the LPC-S said "weddings are an intimate and personal matter and should be focused completely on the bride and groom before anyone else."

Stop Hiding Behind Being the 'Other Woman'

Montfort explained: "It's okay if her relationship with her now husband is still a distraction from that. It's not about that right now. Her future with her husband is not his past."

The LPC-S advised the user "should focus on her own story with him and their son, not hide behind her role as his 'second wife' or the 'other woman.' This is where therapy could be very helpful for her, allowing her to cultivate her own identity outside of this old system, find her passion, her confidence, her 'SELF,' above all else."

The latest viral post has sparked debate among users on Mumsnet.

TabbyTurmoil said: "YABU [you are being unreasonable]. There's no way on earth the woman my dad cheated with would have been at my wedding."

Squirrelsnut said: "If it was your affair that precipitated the end of their marriage, I think you need to accept that you ARE the 'other woman' and will remain so in the eyes of his ex and their kids. No judgment from me, but be realistic. People can only move on so much."

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz agreed, stating: "Well, hard as it is to accept, you are the Other Woman. Her husband cheated. She has to accept he will be at their child's wedding, but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want the physical reminder of that ((you and your son)) there. Her dd [dear daughter] is prioritizing her [mom's] comfort on the wedding day over yours, rightly so."

Others criticized the husband for his lack of support in the situation.

Addicted2LoveIsland wrote: "Your husband should be sticking up for you. I don't condone what you did but it's 10 years on now. How come he isn't being punished? He clearly isn't supporting you."

MerryMarigold noted: "I think it's really off [that] your son didn't go. How old is he? He may have been too young to notice but there will always be pictures without him. I think your dh and you should have insisted he go."

Newsweek wasn't able to verify the details of this case.