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I became interested in psychology at a very young age. When I was in high school, I was part of a peer program that involved looking after a younger child who was 10 years old. She had lived in many foster homes already at that age, and it became pretty apparent that I was one of the only consistent people in her life. Although I was roughly 15 years old at the time, I kept showing up for her by taking her to the movies and for ice cream.
I believe that having one consistent person showing up in your life can have an amazing and profound effect. So, although I had no therapy skills whatsoever and I was a child myself, I realized the power of what one person can do for another.
That's what sparked my interest in pursuing psychology as a profession. I've been very fortunate to have graduated with a Ph.D. in clinical psychology in 2007. I also opened my own private practice in 2010 and became a professor at Pepperdine University, California, in 2010.
My biggest goal is to demystify mental health for people, and to change the view that mental illnesses, like anxiety and depression, are something to be ashamed of.
Routines are helpful for the human mind because it has been shown that the consistency of doing them every day can reduce stress. There is also a lot of information on the internet that shows that self-talk and how we speak to ourselves have a very profound impact on our mental wellness.
The problem with toxic positivity
That's why morning affirmations, on the surface, appear to be helpful.
Morning affirmations are certain positive statements that provide a more hopeful outlook for yourself, the way that other people might respond to you, how the world is going to pan out for you, and perhaps your future.
Part of this stemmed from the positive psychology movement. It was becoming difficult for people to escape the stigma around having mental health issues, so some psychologists decided to look at focusing on people's strengths and the things that were going well for them, to try and make a real difference in their mental wellness.
I would say that positive psychology has amazing intentions, and it's done some great things for the field of psychology, but sometimes, when taken to the extreme, it can actually backfire. That's where toxic positivity comes into play.
Behavioral therapy suggests that thoughts relate directly to how we feel, which then dictates how we act. So the idea that we can replace some of our negative self-talk with more positive thoughts is good, because when our mood changes, so can our behaviors.
But when you force yourself to have a positive thought without believing the specific thought, it may have a counter effect that may in fact make you feel worse.
If you use positive statements in your affirmations, but in your mind, they don't feel true and authentic to you, you may reject them. Instead, you may find more negative thoughts and feelings take over; ones that feel more consistent with what's currently going on in your life. That's why it's so important for our morning affirmations to be positive, but also realistic.
I sometimes advise my clients to ask themselves, "What is my authentic experience?"
This prompts them to create statements that recognize the good things that are happening in their life but also acknowledges the things that aren't going so well.
For example, complete positive statements like, "I'm going to have the best day ever," when you have had a bad morning may not be helpful. I would advise you to change statements as such to, "Yes, I had a bad morning, but, I will put something in place to make my day better."
I call this the "Yes, but" method, which acknowledges that something isn't going well but fills in the blank with something that is going well, or something that's in progress.
A better way to use morning affirmations
I had a client who always felt like no matter what New Year's resolution they made, they would fail to stick to it every year. This client, in particular, wanted to lose weight, exercise more regularly, and eat healthier. But every year, a few months into the New Year, the client would become disheartened and think things like, "Why should I even bother?"
The reason why this client had given up on her New Year's resolutions was that she encountered a few barriers along the way. So we talked about this and how she could use affirmations more effectively.
We discussed that it typically takes the human brain an average of 66 days to form a habit. The first month of forming new habits is the hardest month; it'll feel like an upward battle until it becomes your brain's new normal. So, I pointed out that she wasn't giving her brain enough time to adopt that pattern as her new normal yet, and that's why things still felt so difficult for her. I also explained that often, when we encounter barriers, there are things that we could do earlier on to prevent them from disheartening us.
For example, rather than having a positive visualization of how she would feel when she met her specific goal, I taught her to do a visualization that recognized how good it was going to feel when she was able to exercise regularly, three times a week. I also then made her do a second visualization about the kinds of things that could get in the way of her meeting her goals.
I asked her to write down her contingency plan in the form of an "If, then" statement like so: "If X barrier comes up, I will then do Y after." This trained her to be more realistic and find small ways around achieving her goals. Taking small steps is key, so she trained herself to understand that a five-minute routine is better than not exercising at all.
A year later, my client not only ran a 10 km run, she also became a lot more comfortable being a casual athlete. On the days when she is unable to work out for thirty minutes, she does a few stretches and counts that as a work out too.
As well as managing how you use morning affirmations, I also believe that having them without any attention to your core values may also be damaging.
I had a client who believed that he was supposed to be happy at all times because he thought that his life was pretty good in comparison to other people, which made him feel like he had to be thankful all the time.
I explained that a process called cognitive dissonance was occurring. What my client was telling himself wasn't consistent with what he was feeling and believing during that time. I also reminded him that sometimes depression and anxiety can afflict people who seem like they have it all together.
This client was typically goal-driven, and I explained that if his goals weren't linked to core values, it may make things feel meaningless to him. So, this client wrote down his core values, such as being in a community, going on adventures, and learning.
On a day when he didn't meet his goals, instead of using a blanket positive statement as a way to try to make himself feel better, he revisited his core values and asked himself, "Did I do something in service of each of these top values today and if not, what can I do tomorrow that will help fulfill these values, even in some small way?" Taking this approach helped him to live meaningfully, and to know that even when something in his life doesn't work out as planned, he can still celebrate his day and feel good about himself because he chooses to live his days by his values.
I believe that positive affirmations should be rooted in something meaningful. Rather than using the same ones every day, we should be saying authentic, positive but realistic statements tailored to what we are going through at that moment, rather than blanket statements. Don't be afraid to be flexible.
Dr. Judy Ho is a licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, and a published author. You can find out more about her here.
All views expressed in this article are the author's own.
As told to Newsweek associate editor, Carine Harb.
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