Woman Backed for Giving Mother-in-Law 'Manipulative' Ultimatum

A woman has been backed online for giving her mother-in-law "from hell" an ultimatum.

Redditor u/Double-Chicken3487 shared the story on the popular r/AmITheA**hole forum, where it has received thousands of upvotes and comments.

She wrote: "My fiance's mom hates me. She has been nothing short of the mother-in-law from hell, and she has his ex on a pedestal."

Issues had begun when the couple arranged the same wedding date as her fiance's ex-girlfriend.

"I've always known that she preferred the ex and wanted him to marry her," said the Redditor. "This used to really bother me, and we even tried to cut contact but that blew up spectacularly and there was a huge fight. His ex works for my mother-in-law as a hair and makeup artist/somewhat of an assistant and they are still very close."

With the wedding approaching, the mother-in-law sat the couple down and told them that she could attend only the ceremony part of their day—because then she would be leaving to attend the ex-girlfriend's wedding.

"She said she didn't want to fight about it as she had thought long and hard," the poster wrote. "We were both furious and the more I stewed on it, the more angry I was for my fiance."

Therapist Leslyn Kantner, of Harmony Counseling Center in West Grove, Pennsylvania, told Newsweek: "Sadly, many women are not prepared to accept another person into the lead spot of their child's life.

"As moms, we spend a lot of time up in the front seat of our children's lives, and jumping into the back can feel threatening to some moms as their fear of not being important or remembered is activated. We can think of it as invisible competition for time and attention."

Upset by the mom's decision to attend both weddings, the Redditor took things into her own hands: "I let my mother-in-law know that we would not try and change her mind, but something needs to be super clear. We will never do a thing for her. She is losing her right to be considered immediate family and she needs to plan accordingly. There will be no care when she is elderly, no financial help, she will never ever live with us."

Furious about this ultimatum, the mother-in-law hit back. The Redditor wrote: "She said I was manipulative and that was so insulting as she has never asked anyone for money, she has thrived career-wise, and she said I'm insulting her career.

"I said I know she has done very well, but really anything can happen. MIL said it was unforgivably insulting as she has been financially independent since she was a teen, and now she isn't talking to us.

"To be honest, I don't think she is going to need our money," said the poster. "But I just wanted my point to be clear, that there will be no help whatsoever when she is old."

Reddit users overwhelmingly sided with the woman. One commenter said: "Sure family is family but she's literally choosing her son's ex over her own son. That is insane and I wouldn't help her ever either or consider her family. The ex can take care of her."

"She's made her bed, let her lie in it," replied another Redditor, while one poster wrote: "I think it's pretty valid to want your fiancées mother at your wedding and reception instead of his ex's, whether they're friends or not. That's not something I'd be willing to forget, that's for sure."

"I was interested to read everyone's opinion but I don't feel any differently," u/Double-Chicken3487 told Newsweek.

While understanding the upset, Kantner said that giving ultimatums in this was unlikely to help matters. "Simply put, ultimatums are rarely effective. Threats just activate defense systems so that our time and mental energy is spent gathering ammunition and digging into our position.

"We can agree to disagree that mother-in-law's position is a painful act of choosing one woman over another because each woman is acting out of their individual emotions and may not be able to achieve a consensus about what the behavior means.

"No matter how much we 'want' something to be the way we want it, we rarely—if ever—have control over the actions of another," said Kantner.

Mother-in-law relationships aren't always easy, but Kantner offered some tips for those who may be looking to patch up a tough in-law relationship: "None of us automatically 'likes' everyone we meet. Perhaps the goal isn't for in-laws to 'like' one another. It's great when that can happen, but it's a lofty expectation.

"I teach that the goal is to be considerate and respectful of the people your family chooses to share their life with," Kantner said.

"I know it was a weird threat when she has money, but you have to get she doesn't care about the traditional mother-in-law things like grandkids and Christmas," the poster explained. "I'm glad I stood up to her."

UPDATE 10/13/22, 10:05 a.m. ET: This story was updated with comment from the Reddit user.