Woman Kicking Out Her Grieving Sister to Prioritize Her Foster Kid Backed

A post about a woman asking her sister, who is grieving after a miscarriage, to stay elsewhere if "she can't take" being around her daughter has gone viral on Reddit, where it received over 15,000 upvotes.

In a post shared on Reddit's Am I The A****** (AITA), user interumza said her sister Kate recently suffered a miscarriage, which "took a real toll on her marriage." Kate is getting divorced and has been staying with the original poster "because she can't bear to live with [her husband] right now."

However, Kate has allegedly been "a horrible guest" to the user's five-year-old foster daughter May. "Every time May asks her for something or talks to her Kate will burst into tears, or yell at her."

The user asked: "AITA for telling my sister that she can find somewhere else to stay if she can't take seeing my daughter...I just don't think she has a right to yell at my kid because she lost hers."

According to an April 2021 article in the peer-reviewed medical journal The Lancet, "an estimated 23 million miscarriages occur every year worldwide, translating to 44 pregnancy losses each minute."

In an October 2018 study published in the peer-reviewed journal BMC Women's Health, women said "they felt there was a vast silence surrounding miscarriage, with others being commonly uncomfortable discussing the event leading to feelings of loneliness and isolation."

The study concluded: "Raising awareness of the psychological impact of miscarriage appears imperative to assist the community to support women experiencing this loss, as well as reducing the secret and hidden nature of the experience."

In a June 2012 article for the American Psychological Association, Janet Jaffe, a clinical psychologist and co-author of the book Reproductive Trauma: Psychotherapy with Infertility and Pregnancy Loss Clients, said: "Because it is medically common, the impact of miscarriage is often underestimated. But miscarriage is a traumatic loss, not only of the pregnancy, but of a woman's sense of self and her hopes and dreams of the future. She has lost her 'reproductive story,' and it needs to be grieved."

The user from the latest Reddit post said Kate is a "great sister" and "I understand that she's grieving, but that doesn't mean she can lash out at May for simply existing. I've told her off multiple times for yelling at May, but it all came to a head when I confronted her."

According to the user: "May had asked Kate if she could move so she could get to the snack cabinet. Kate allegedly "snapped" at May, saying "wait for a damn second, brat." The user overheard from the living room and "made Kate move out of the way and told her to apologize to May."

Bursting into tears, Kate allegedly said she "just couldn't take having May here as a reminder of what she's lost." The user told Kate she is "a grown adult, and should know better than to bully a child for her own problems."

Following "a huge argument," the user told Kate "if she couldn't take seeing my foster daughter, she could find somewhere else to stay."

Kate allegedly told her sister that she was grieving, asking how the user could "put someone else's kid over hers." The user believes her sister is "being insensitive."

According to the user's mom, Kate cried for hours and said her sister is "such a monster for not thinking of her feelings."

Misplaced Anger

Jennifer Kelman, a family therapist for the JustAnswer website, a licensed clinical social worker and relationships expert, told Newsweek this is a "very tough situation for all," noting May has been "taking the brunt" of Kate's grief and "that should not be the case."

The therapist said Kate is grieving "not just the loss of her pregnancy, but also the loss of her marriage, and it is pretty clear she is understandably angry about both. The anger seems to be covering up feelings of sadness, loss and depression. Sometimes anger is the 'easiest' emotion to experience and let out. That doesn't make it right," she said, adding that May needs to be protected from that "misplaced anger."

Kelman said it may be better that Kate stays with her parents, instead of the sister and May, while she goes through this grieving period, "so that she isn't reminded of her loss and May is protected from the anger. It isn't about choosing one over the other, but rather finding the best solution for all."

Acknowledge the Sister's Suffering

Kelman suggested the user send Kate a message, asking if the two of them can meet while May is at school to let Kate know how much her sister loves her and is "so sad and sorry that she has suffered these tremendous losses."

The therapist said it's important for the user to let her sister know that she sees that Kate is "suffering and wants her to work through the very painful feelings. I would also suggest that she find a therapist who deals with grief so that she can get the proper support to work through her very normal and painful feelings."

Prioritize Protecting the Child

Several Reddit users shared messages of support for the original poster.

In a comment that received over 20,000 upvotes, user Accomplished_Sky_857 said: "Speaking as a social worker with years of experience in CPS [child protection services]...You'd be wrong if you let it continue. As a foster parent, you have a responsibility that (for lack of a better way to put it) other people have control over, and your responsibility includes protecting May from people who treat her that way...Don't let your sister stay there..."

In a comment that got over 8,000 upvotes, user Scrappyl77, who said they're also a social worker, said: "You, as a foster parent, are now responsible for working to ensure her physical and emotional safety. Please don't let your sister back into your home. You are NTA [not the a******] for putting your kiddo first. You would be if you allowed the kiddo to be emotionally abused by your sister, and could even have her removed from your care if you allow it to continue."

In a comment that got 1,100 upvotes, user Cherry_Honey_Blossom said: "I understand the sister is grieving but she is taking it out on an innocent child...sounds like her whole life is being uprooted, and I feel for her, but she has no right to bully anyone, nvm an innocent child. She has some growing up to do. NTA, I commend you for protecting YOUR daughter, OP [original poster]."

Newsweek has contacted the original poster for comment.