Anger as Mother-in-Law Pretends Deceased Grandchild Never Existed

A mother-in-law pretending that her deceased grandchild didn't exist has sparked outrage online.

In a post to Mumsnet's Am I Being Unreasonable? (AIBU) forum on October 13, user forgiveormakehimpay shared a recent encounter with her "cruel" mother-in-law.

While at a family get-together, forgiveormakehimpay's mother-in-law complained that none of her grandchildren were named "Andrew" after her late father—despite that name being given to the poster's son, who passed away shortly after birth.

Hurt by her mother-in-law's words, forgiveormakehimpay asked if she was unreasonable to be upset, with fellow users being "appalled" by the situation.

'You Never Forget'

A 2022 study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association found that the survival rate of premature babies in the U.S. has improved in the last 20 to 30 years. Nevertheless, March of the Dimes—a charity that works to prevent preterm birth—reports that 35.8 percent of infant deaths are related to being born prematurely.

Ruth E. Freeman, founder and president at Peace at Home Parenting Solutions, told Newsweek that it's not uncommon for families to "not acknowledge" deceased infants as family members, despite the hurt it may cause.

"[The poster's son] will live in her heart forever, and yet so many families behave just as she describes," she said.

"Parents who experience the death of a child report that many people in their family and social circle try not to talk about it. While this isn't unusual, it isn't ok."

She said that the reasons why family members may struggle to acknowledge or talk about a deceased infant can vary, although the intention isn't always hurtful.

"In many cases, people think they shouldn't talk about this so they don't remind you," she said. "They don't understand that you never forget.

"In other cases, people just don't know how to talk about it, or to some people the idea of the death of an infant is so painful, they simply want to pretend it didn't happen."

Unfortunately, if you find yourself in a situation like forgiveormakehimpay, Freeman recommends limiting contact with people who dismiss your grief. Instead, prioritize those who work to keep your child's memory alive.

"Focus on those relationships that embrace you as a whole person, including that brief time that you were a parent," she said.

'Outrageously Unkind'

In her post, forgiveormakehimpay said the incident occurred while at a family "get-together" for her mother-in-law's birthday.

Despite recently splitting with her husband over his lack of involvement with their son, the poster was personally invited to the party by her mother-in-law, so she had no reason to think anything had changed in their relationship.

However, the mother-in-law's father came up while "reminiscing about family and old times," and the conversation took an unfortunate turn.

"She said 'Ahh, I love the name Andrew. I so wish one of my grandchild got to have that name'" wrote forgiveormakehimpay.

"It was a bit of an awkward silence and then she looked at me and said 'Sorry but it's true. I know that might be hard to hear' and she came over and patted me on the hand, before walking into the kitchen."

Andrew had been the name of forgiveormakehimpay's son, who had been born early and passed away shortly afterwards. Since his death, her soon-to-be ex-husband's family had not mentioned Andrew, despite talking about her sister-in-law's baby, who was stillborn.

"[Am I unreasonable] to never forgive her?" she asked. "I came to her birthday because I thought I'd be wanted there."

Mumsnet users were shocked by the mother-in-law's remarks, with autumnboys calling her words "outrageously unkind."

"That's just horrendously awful," agreed Hyggeandhugs. "Cruel even."

"That is appalling," said UpToMyElbowsUbDiapers. "I'm so sorry that happened."

TabithaTittlemouse asked: "What kind of grandmother completely denies the existence of her Grandson whether he is deceased or not."

Believing the mother-in-law to be a narcissist, Getofftheladder suggested the comments were an attempt to "score points" against forgiveormakehimpay for "dumping her son."

"Manipulative emotional blackmail, ready to put you back in your place," she wrote.

"I would've walked out there and then," said Jagley.

"Stay away from her," advised GG1986.

While StClare101 commented: "She can see her grandkids in her son's time. I'd cut ties with the lot of them.

"Your son Andrew matters. Spend your time with people who honour his memory."