Woman Refusing to Let 94-Year-Old Mother-in-Law Move in Splits Opinion

A woman's refusal to let her 94-year-old mother-in-law move into the family home has ignited a debate around the subject of eldercare.

The mom-of-one shared her concerns in a Mumsnet post that drew contrasting responses.

According to the Leonard Davis Institute of Health Economics, the median direct and indirect costs of caregiving are an estimated $180,000 over two years, which is around the same as full-time institutional care.

Given those figures, it's perhaps unsurprising that many opt for care homes, given the additional emotional burden associated with round-the-clock care of this kind.

Eldercare is a divisive issue, with some opposed to moving parents into impersonal care facilities and preferring instead to provide the same support given to them during their formative years.

Ini Valentine, CEO of SocialWise Media Group, knows firsthand the toll it can take. "I was forced to give up my own apartment and move in with a family member while caring for my elderly parent," she told Newsweek. "Caring for an elderly parent can be a challenge. Expect it to impact your life in multiple ways: emotionally, physically, and financially."

Those same concerns are shared by the woman posting to Mumsnet under the handle HappyDays40. According to the mom-of-one, her "lovely but very elderly" mother-in-law currently lives independently in a house 20 miles away, but recently revealed she wants to "move in with family."

This has created something of a problem for her son's wife. For one thing, her mother-in-law is said to be "unsteady on her feet," which makes her wholly unsuited to living in a house with multiple staircases and a small dog. It's also rented, meaning any adaptation is impossible.

However, the daughter-in-law's biggest worries center around the impact this change would have on their work and social life. "It isn't possible to work from home all the time," she explained. "Our jobs involve some time out of the house. We go away, do festivals and are not home much at weekends especially in the summer."

Many on Mumsnet backed up her assessment of the situation. MrsTerryPratchett said her husband needed to have a "frank discussion" with his mom. "She can't move in with you, doesn't want carers and presumably doesn't want to go into a home. One of those things will have to change."

BrambleJoos added: "Make it clear that it will be her son who will be caring for her at home as you have a full time job and the 6 year old. That might make it less amenable to her."

Some felt differently though. "Could a carer move in with her?" Bramblejoos asked.
"Free accommodation and low pay?" Moonshine5, meanwhile, warned: "I think you have to accept that your response will hurt her feelings."

While some users appeared hesitant to block the mom-in-law moving in, Valentine was keen to highlight the harsh realities of eldercare.

"A caretaker will typically have to take a step back from working, hobbies, and even educational goals," she told Newsweek. "Physically assisting an adult is very challenging, as adults can weigh over 100 lbs. The financial toll of withdrawing from work to devote time to a parent is serious as well. Caretakers often face problems paying their own bills, even experiencing homelessness."

She suggested anyone considering caring for an elderly relative should sit down and work out the overall costs and impact of this kind of move before proceeding.