My Son's Step Mom Replaced Me At His Wedding—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, I fell out with my son after he decided to put his stepmother on the top table next to the bride's father at his wedding instead of me. I know it's difficult with stepfamilies but this was totally humiliating for me in front of friends and family.

I tried to put on a brave face and stayed for the rest of the evening but this has now ruined my relationship with him and I am still incredibly upset several months later. I was also left out of the family group photos. I had to watch as the stepmother was in them too.

I thought maybe I would be called for the photos next but I never was. In hindsight, I think perhaps I should have left the wedding. I am not sure how to move forward now.

Sarah, London, U.K.

'Your Feelings Are Valid'

Faith Dulin is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Charlotte, North Carolina.

Dear Sarah,

Your pain is palpable and I am so sorry for the devastating hurt you've experienced. How do you typically cope with overwhelming difficult feelings? This may be hard to hear, but I'm afraid your suffering will continue if you choose to hold on to these feelings and allow them to destroy the relationship with your son. How could you move forward in ways that will feel healing for you and maintain the connection you want with your son? One option might be talking to him, with curiosity, and not criticism to hopefully understand the situation and his perspective a little better.

With open, exploratory dialogue, you could share more of your experience and feelings with him. I'm certain there were several moving pieces involved in the wedding process, and we can take things personally when we only have our own perception to inform us.

If your son isn't available for a discussion on the matter right now, it's best to accept where he's at and respect the boundary. Continuing to focus on variables outside of our control only amplifies misery and keeps us stuck in cycles of helpless frustration.

Your feelings are valid, and best honored in constructive ways, such as processing them with a mental health therapist. You may never fully understand why events unfolded at the wedding the way they did, but the bottom line here is that it was your son's wedding and his decision. Now you also have choices to make. Will your pain dismantle the relationship with your son or are you able to work through the hurt and move forward with the relationship intact?

Have an Open-Hearted Conversation With Your Son

Gary Schuller is a marriage and family therapist who completed postgraduate specialist training in counseling couples at The Center for Gender Psychology in London.

Dear Reader,

A useful place to start in working through your feelings is to identify what you have control over and what is out of your control. We can't change the past, your painful experience is in the past, and that can't be changed, but your present feelings and what you do next are entirely within your control.

Your hurt and upset are very understandable given your experience at the wedding. In order to move on and through these painful feelings, perhaps, simply expressing your hurt sincerely to your son, who you love and who needs to hear about your experience and the feelings that followed, could be a step towards healing.

You hurt because you love and wanted to be included, let him know that. Often when we are hurt, we get angry and that's what we express, that's what the other hears. There are always more vulnerable feelings under anger.

Give your son an opportunity to hear about your sensitivity, and your vulnerability, it might open a door to an open-hearted conversation between you, which can bring you closer together, and perhaps bring even greater intimacy to your relationship.