I Don't Want To Go To My Trump-Supporter Nephew's Wedding—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, My nephew is getting married in June, and I am not sure I want to go. My immediate family and I are not close. My brother, nephew, and his fiancée and her family are Trump-following conservatives, while I am a "Rabid Liberal" and progressive Christian.

My brother, the second-born of the siblings, gets treated as a god. We have to consult with him before buying a car, house, or any major purchase. Even a set of tires, or a dog. He is the executor of my parents' will, as well. They live in a small town, in which many of our relatives also live. But I don't know most of my extended family as I didn't grow up there or spend much time there.

My nephew can do no wrong in the eyes of my mother and other relatives on both sides of the family. They waited eight years for this grandbaby, and he was spoiled by both sets of grandparents. He's smart, good-looking, has a decent job, and his fiancée is even fairly nice.

But, because of our political and religious differences, I know if I go, it will turn out to be a session of biting my tongue and clenching my teeth. I'm very introverted, while my brother and his family are extroverts. So it will also be an endurance test to see how much "peopling" I can put up with, before I go hide in a dark corner to recharge my batteries.

I am also in Seminary, and the wedding date is right in the middle of the semester, right at midterm. So I'm leery about taking time from my studies for an event I'm sure will not be much fun for me. Part of me just wants to send a nice gift, and not attend, but if I don't attend, I'll hear about it from my brother. I really don't know what to do. I've talked about this with my therapist but didn't really get any firm answers.

Thank you in advance for any help or advice you may feel like giving me.

Jae, Unknown

Put All Your Excuses Aside, And Go To The Wedding

Carole Lieberman, M.D., is a board-certified psychiatrist in Beverly Hills, California.

Dear Jae,

You've given an exhaustive list of reasons why you shouldn't go, but obviously, you feel some obligation to go to the wedding. One reason for not going that you didn't directly own up to is your jealousy of your brother and his son, which has been brewing long before this wedding.

There are resourceful ways to handle the things that you are concerned about. For example, if anyone starts talking about politics or religion, you can excuse yourself and walk away. If this comes up at the dinner table, you can simply say, "It makes me uncomfortable when people talk about politics or religion, so can we please change the subject?" You can have some alternate topics ready, such as things in the news that aren't controversial.

As for your need to take a break from people, scout out a quiet area at the beginning, which you can use as a refuge to periodically recharge. And as for your studies, you can try to get ahead in the work before the wedding, so that you don't have too much to make up.

Bottom line, I think you should put all your excuses aside, acknowledge your jealousy for what it is, and go to the wedding. The family won't be able to laud your absence over you for years to come, and you may well be surprised at how much you enjoy yourself, after all.

This Is Not The Right Time Or Place To Start Any Family Drama

Yasmine Saad, is a licensed clinical psychologist, founder, and CEO of Madison Park Psychological Services.

It sounds to me like you want to make your brother and mother happy but it will come at a huge sacrifice for you. The way you are looking at it right now is a "me vs them" approach where one benefits and the other one has upset feelings (either you or your brother/mother).

You want to determine what is the most important to you: avoiding interpersonal conflicts at a cost to you, or taking care of yourself but receiving negativity from your family. There are many ways to look at this and approach this situation. One is through the lens of short-term vs longer-term negative effects and decide which option is best for you.

A radically different approach would be how to make it a win-win for everyone. For your family, it sounds like their desire is having you attend. What is your desire? Is there a way to reframe your perspective so that it be advantageous for you to go? For example, I am saving myself some added stress by attending (by preventing a negative backlash) or I am learning to multi-task while in exam season or I am upholding family values despite our political difference. Basically finding benefits for you in doing what your family would want so that you feel you are taking care of everyone's needs and do not feel you are attending to their needs and not yours.

Based on how you described the dynamics in your family, you likely have negative feelings towards the way your mother treats your brother and his son and its consequences on your power of decision (having to consult with him on buying a dog, etc). You want to be aware of those feelings and whether they are influencing your decision so that if they are, it is out of a conscious choice of yours rather than it sipping through unconsciously in a way that you might regret. The question will be, is this the venue for those feelings to be expressed or for a stand to be taken? And lastly, the ultimate question is do you want to take a stand and voice your opinion, and if so for what purpose?