My Cousin Has Banned My Family From Seeing Our Sick Aunt—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, My family is currently going through some drama. My aunt has one child, a son, and through another family situation, she ended up caring for my cousin since she was a newborn. My cousin considers her aunt as her mother.

There has been (as far as I remember) tension between the son and my cousin, and now that my aunt is in a memory-care facility, it's gotten worse. The son and his wife like to go out of town a lot (especially during the holidays), leaving my aunt alone. Thanksgiving, we found out that in the whole facility, my aunt and one other patient were the only ones there for the holiday.

My cousin had been asking the son (in the past) to take her aunt out for the day; this day (Thanksgiving) she told him she was taking her out to spend it with her family. He replied that he would take legal action if she took his mother out of the facility. He doesn't give a reason for barring my cousin. She drives out of her way to visit once a week and spends half a day there. As far as I know, the son visits sporadically and he's only a short drive away.

When the son came to the facility, my cousin was there (he knows when she visits) he came ready to fight; that's how angry he was. Suffice it to say, now the situation is being written up by the facility... My whole family is upset with the son but doesn't want to say anything. They would rather ignore him.

Grace, Florida

Visiting Family Members In Care Can Improve Their Mental Health

Randi Asher is a clinical psychologist practicing in New York and New Jersey.

Dear Grace,

Your aunt's son is very angry. His mother is fading away, day by day. This is a cruel and elongated dying and loss, and he is entitled to angry feelings. For him, it may even be too painful to visit, or, he's too self-involved to care as he doesn't consider, and even prefers, her being alone on holidays. Sadly, he is not taking into account her best interests as she copes with her own cognitive deterioration in a memory care facility.

In fact, it is harmful to your aunt if his anger, resentment, or other feelings are directed or played out on her. Of his anger toward her niece, it seems that her son harbors longstanding resentment toward his cousin and, perhaps even anger toward his mother for treating this cousin as a daughter. At this stage, your aunt is in no position to discuss this conflict and work it out among her two children, the biological son and welcomed niece. But, she may be in a position to be asked her preference, whether she wants her to visit at all. Though your male cousin may have a legal right to make health care decisions, [your aunt] may still be of sound mind to share her preference.

A social worker at her facility may be able to assess how these visits with her niece make your aunt feel, and if they are in her best medical and psychological interest; if beneficial, then, a family intervention is needed.

At this stage in your aunt's life, with a memory disorder, she is fading from you all. I suspect her son must decide if his anger toward his mother, her life, and her illness, is serving his mother's best interests. Intervention with the social worker or a hospice grief worker may help him understand the nature of his misdirected anger, help him grieve the mother he is losing, and perhaps even grieve and process what he feels he lost when she took in the niece. Further, the social worker should weigh in about isolation and its impact on your aunt if no one visits at all.

Family visits reduce isolation, and engage your aunt socially, and cognitively, flexing her memory and communication skills. In this way, visits may be medically and spiritually helpful. It is natural for your family to ignore him and avoid conflict, but now is the time to step up, while your aunt is alive and he is hurting, and encourage some discussion with a hospice grief worker or staff social worker to come to some resolution and act in your aunt's best interests, so she may enjoy both children she cared for, for as long as she is able.

Get An Attorney To Look Into The Last Wishes For Her Will

Carole Lieberman is a clinical and forensic psychiatrist from Beverly Hills.

Dear Grace,

It is natural for your aunt's son to be jealous of and resent your cousin. Even though she's not his biological sister, she became his "sister" through family circumstances, so he is feeling sibling rivalry towards her. He undoubtedly thinks of her as an intruder and wishes she never came into their family because she took some of his mother's love and attention away from him.

You or your cousin need to get a consult with an attorney. Since your aunt is in Memory Care, she is not as able to speak up for herself as well as before, to tell her son what she wants. Does your aunt have a will? Her son may be concerned that she is leaving some money to your cousin, instead of giving all of it to him. He doesn't want your cousin to visit or to take her out of the facility because he's afraid that his mother will leave her inheritance to your cousin instead of him since your cousin has been more devoted to her.

When your aunt dies, her son is likely to try to claim that she was incompetent when she wrote a will if she signed over some of her inheritance to your cousin. So, it's important to get an attorney involved now if she doesn't have one already, to clarify her wishes. Your aunt may also need a psychiatrist to write an affidavit, testifying that your aunt has enough mental ability to decide on the distribution of her assets. Or, if her son has already gotten to your aunt and had her sign something to give all her assets to him, you need a psychiatrist to attest to his "undue influence" over her. An attorney could also attest to your aunt wanting your cousin to visit and take her out, so the son can't forbid it.

Document Everything That's Happened

Russell D. Knight is a family law attorney in Chicago, Illinois.

The cousin can file for guardianship to make decisions on behalf of the aunt. The court will appoint someone to determine who is the best fit to make decisions for the aunt. So, document everything that's happened so the court's appointee can use the right facts as they will be inclined to allow the closest relative to be the legal guardian.