My Estranged Daughter Didn't Invite Me To Her Wedding—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, My daughter estranged herself from me in September 2019. Despite a couple of joint counseling sessions afterward, things were tense and communication was minimal. The incident that led to the estrangement was that her two dogs attacked several of our dogs on the 40-acre ranch we live on.

A year went by and she changed her phone number and I was not given her address. She later emailed me a photo of her engagement ring with a brief email, to which I responded positively. She set up a date for a phone call to "talk about the wedding" and the call entailed her reading me a list of rules to abide by IF I am allowed to attend her wedding, the first being that my husband of 13 years was not allowed to attend and the second being that I would not know the wedding venue (my plus one can have this information). The rules went on and on in this fashion.

I'm upset because it is obvious that she doesn't want me involved in the wedding, nor want any financial assistance from me. I sent her an expensive gift card to Sephora, which does wedding makeup appointments. I wrote a very nice note about how I would abide by her rules, and that I'd love to see the look of joy on her face when she got married. Yet she never even told me the date of the wedding, I found out from a friend of mine, whose son was going. I later tracked down her wedding registry on the Zola website and was pretty generous with my gift, since I didn't spend any money on the wedding. She sent thank you notes to my friends, but not me. I have gotten Mother's Day and birthday cards since this happened. But there is never a return address on them and this is killing me.

Stacy, California

You Have to Be Patient and Give Your Daughter Space and Time to Heal

Darren Moore is a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) and the owner of I AM MOORE, LLC, a counseling and consulting practice based in Georgia in the U.S.

Relationships can be especially difficult between mothers and daughters. In this scenario, it appears that there was a significant rupture in the relationship, which needs to be repaired and there may be a disagreement around the circumstances by which the rupture occurred.

You talked about a conflict surrounding the daughter's pet. While this may be true, it also may be true that there were other issues and problems within the relationship, prior to this occurrence. This, combined with a lack of communication and an inability to regulate emotions, can make things worse.

There can also be contextual factors or other variables that create barriers to resolving conflict. For example, we don't know anything about your daughter's father or new spouse and what their perspective or level of influence is regarding the matter.

It is clear that your daughter has some trust issues and is trying to set limits and boundaries, which can be a positive thing. But sometimes when people attempt to address issues, they overcorrect or become too rigid. I don't know exactly what happened, so I can't determine if she is justified in doing so.

Either way, you'll have to be patient and give your daughter space and time to heal. Given the severity of the trauma, you both may need to attend additional therapy sessions to revisit where the breakdown occurred.

Ultimately, healing can occur, but it takes both individuals being open, honest, and interested. You and your daughter may both feel anger, depression, resentment, disappointment, and sadness, and may have anxiety based on previous experiences, which can be difficult to manage alone, which is why working with a professional can be helpful.

Show Your Desire to Repair What Needs Healing

Jennifer Kelman is a family therapist for the JustAnswer website, a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) and parenting/relationships expert.

Having a child that has become estranged is deeply painful and I can hear how much pain you are in. I see that you are doing all you can to abide by your daughter's rules and wishes so that you can connect with her again. All of that is okay as long as it is not a detriment to your well-being.

There seems to be a lot of deep anger in your daughter, and it feels like at this time she isn't ready to let it all go. My hunch is that she is holding on to a lot of feelings from her childhood and that the relationship had been strained long before the incident with the dogs.

I would suggest you attend the wedding and give your daughter the support and love that you want to give. It seems like your daughter has some bad feelings toward your husband, so at some point, when you're ready, you may want to address that with her.

Once you have attended the wedding and your daughter has had some time to settle into her married life and routine, I would suggest writing her a letter letting her know just how much you love her and want her to feel happiness and joy in her life. Indicate your desire to repair anything that needs healing in your relationship and that you will listen to her feelings and experiences to see where things went wrong and how you might find your way back to each other.

It is possible that even after writing a beautiful letter, your daughter still isn't ready to open up about things or let you back into her life, which could cause you additional pain. But it's important to let your daughter know that you will always be there when she is ready to try to reconnect.

In the meantime, get yourself as much support as you need to express your feelings. Getting yourself into therapy could provide a wonderful space for you to process all that you feel.