My Best Friend Didn't Invite Me To Her Family Weddings—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, Until June 2021, I had a girlfriend that had been a dear friend for 57 years. We walked to school together in grade one, shared secrets, our hopes and dreams, as well as death and the ups and downs of life. I got married and was in the foreign service and eventually had one daughter. This friend was her godmother.

At the time that her sons were getting married, I was going through severe financial difficulties and did not have the means to give a cash gift, requested to pay for their honeymoon to Italy. I declined the second bridal shower for financial reasons, but she was quite upset I did not attend. I was not invited to either wedding.

Her daughter was also getting married and around March 2021, invitations were sent out for the in-person ceremony along with links for the Zoom wedding and Zoom bridal shower. I later found out that her daughter invited one of my friends and her husband to the Zoom wedding but I wasn't.

I was very hurt, given that these kids spent Boxing Day (December 26) dinner at my home for many years. I can understand numbers and size restrictions but a Zoom wedding link? No.

My friend later called, asking if my feelings were hurt. I said they were and also mentioned I'd never received any acknowledgment for the last shower gift and two baby gifts for her sons who had kids born during COVID-19. She reiterated that I was her oldest and dearest friend and did not want this to affect our relationship.

That was the last time we spoke. She told everyone that I had made her cry on her daughter's wedding day. If my daughter had invited one of my friends and not the other, I would have told her that if you can't invite both, then don't invite either. My friend could have done this, but chose not to. Previously, I wasn't even invited to her own wedding, though I was invited to the bridal shower.

While I feel very sad about the loss of this lifelong friendship, I've had enough.

Lynn, Ontario, Canada

Don't Judge People Based on Wedding-Related Behavior

Tony Manning is a United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy-registered systemic psychotherapist.

Weddings—and the politics of wedding invitations—don't always bring out the best in people, regrettably. On what is meant to be such a happy day, it can often prove stressful, and the build-up even more so. Those involved need the tact and communication skills of a diplomat. This is often not helped by overlap or sheer confusion as to who is running the show—the person paying the bills, the couple, etc. The risk of upsetting someone is ever-present.

I think that weddings and all to do with them might best be considered atypical situations. It may be best not to judge people's characters based on wedding-related behavior.

It's also possible, Lynn, that there were misunderstandings. For example, you spoke of your "severe financial difficulties" during this time, but your lifelong friend might not have been aware. Sometimes our pride stops us from laying such things out. Once misunderstandings occur each party tends to try to justify their position as the only available explanation.

So, the issue now is that of recovery, and there can be two types. The first involves courage, and the swallowing of pride, to see if the relationship itself can be restored. The offspring's wedding is over, but maybe the special relationship is not.

The second type, if nothing else can be achieved, is recovery, in the sense of restoring your own dignity, plus a large measure of forgiveness in your heart for what transpired.

A book I have found very useful where clients have unhealed relationship cut-offs is Mark Sichel's Healing from Family Rifts. At first, I misread it as "Healing Family Rifts" but sometimes that can't be achieved. Healing yourself, sometimes with the aid of a competent therapist, can still happen.

Not All Friendships Are Meant To Last A Lifetime

Janine Hayward is a director of ComposurePsychology, chartered clinical psychologist and honorary research fellow at University College London.

Hello Lynn, I can hear how raw, painful and sad this is for you. A friendship as long as yours with this friend is likely to have changed over time.

Your values and that of your friends may no longer align, especially when her words do not appear to match her behavior. Saying "you are my oldest and dearest friend" and not inviting you to an important day such as her wedding seems inconsistent. However, there could have been many reasons for this that we can never know about.

I invite you to consider how well your "oldest friend" demonstrates (right now and in the past across your whole adult friendship) the qualities you have identified as important behaviors in friendship. If she doesn't show them now or hasn't shown these behaviors very often or authentically over the years, can you accept that this friendship was not meant to last a lifetime?

Also ask yourself, if I stay and accept that her behavior towards me is unlikely to change, what do I need to do? Who do I need to be in this friendship and what else will I need to accept (e.g. her talking to others about me) so that I do not get so hurt by her behavior, over which I have no control?

Friendships are like all other relationships, we lose some, we gain some, we grieve the loss of some, and may even miss the person we have "broken up with" or drifted away from. If we feel better, relaxed, and able to be ourselves when we are with some people and not others, then this is the priority. Life is too short to feel used, upset, or constantly less than we are when we're around a person.

Once you are really clear about what friendship means to you, the behaviors you are practicing, and behaviors you now know you need from friends, you may wish to share these with your good friend as a way of improving your current relationship. It will be important to speak calmly, honestly and without judging or blaming her in any way, otherwise she may become defensive, which will not help an open conversation.

Be careful to ensure you are not adding meaning to an event and causing yourself secondary suffering. The only way we can find out exactly why someone is doing the thing they are doing is to ask them directly. Even then, their response is likely to have more subtle layers than any 'story' we may have added to something they have said or done.