I Don't Want To Meet My Son's New Girlfriend—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, My son has been through a great deal of one-night stands. However, he has been living with a woman for a couple of months now and wants me to meet her.

He has made it very clear that he does not want to get engaged, and I know it may sound harsh but I do not want to meet this girl until he has made some sort of commitment to her. I simply do not want to get involved.

This is not a personal slight on this new partner, but I am a widow of means and I don't want to treat this woman like a daughter-in-law for her to take advantage of free vacations, meals, and gifts, only to walk away when she gets bored.

Of course, I know that she could do that if they were engaged or married also, but I'm trying to protect myself and my family from being used by a stream of possibly inappropriate and opportunistic partners. I just simply don't want to meet her and that should be my right.

Sandra

You Have The Right To Say No, No Explanation Is Needed

Dr. Joanette, MD, is the founder of emotional social parenting (ESP), and an ER doctor, with 12+ years of experience working with kids and families in crisis.

Dear Sandra,

I can tell from your question that your relationship with your son is very important to you. Your son has a new partner and would like you to meet her. If you don't want to meet her, you have the right to say no thank you to the invitation. No explanation is needed. If your son presses you for a reason, you can tell him that you don't want to meet her at this time and leave the door open for a possible meeting in the future if the relationship lasts.

You might also consider meeting her and spending some time with them both before you decide whether she is someone you want to treat like a daughter-in-law with free vacations, meals and gifts. If you choose to get together with your son and his new girlfriend, share the cost or let your son pay for the three of you.

It sounds like you may have had one or more of your sons' former girlfriends take advantage of your generosity and kindness in the past. It makes sense that you don't want that to happen again and want to protect yourself from the emotional and financial discomfort of that.

Whatever decision you make, remember you decide based on what you feel is best for you.

We Must Learn To Take a Step Back and Let Them Live Their Lives

Ruth Freeman is a psychotherapist and founder of parenting support organization Peace At Home Parenting Solutions.

Dear Sandra,

You have every right to choose not to meet your son's live-in partner, however you run the risk of alienating your son. You can make it clear to him that you are only unwilling to meet his future bride because of your fears that partners will take advantage of your generosity. But here's the thing—if we want authentic and ongoing relationships with our adult children, we must learn to step back and let them live their lives in the way that they feel is right for them. You may have a dream of a married son and daughter-in-law; however, he has another vision for his life.

Our dreams for our kids need to remain just that—dreams. Relationships with adult children thrive when parents can remain open, curious and present. You might want to be open to learning about why your son does not want to be engaged. You might just inquire about how he sees engagement, what it means to him and why it doesn't feel like a good fit. You can express to him your surprise and disappointment but if you want a close, ongoing relationship, you need to let him know your feelings just once and then step back and support him to follow his journey in the way that works for him.

If you pay for meals or vacations and your son wants to bring his girlfriend, you might want to consider that your son may not join you if his girlfriend is excluded. Maintaining relationships with adult children often requires us to put aside our dreams of what we think is ideal for our kids and just be present and interested in how their lives unfold. One of the joys of parenthood is watching our kids grow into themselves. If we try to shape that too much, relationships with adult children can become stressful and unfulfilling to everyone. I would love to hear what you discover if you ask your son how he values commitment to a partner. I wonder if he worries about being taken advantage of... and perhaps you will have to recognize that through your own behavior, you possibly passed on a legacy that you really didn't mean to instill in him—fear of commitment.