My Nephew's Wedding Has Torn My Family Apart—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, I have been with my husband for 22 years. We have a combined family of four kids, three are biologically mine and one is biologically his, and my husband has raised his daughter since before she was one year old as a single father.

We moved in together when my son and his daughter were in sixth grade. My stepdaughter has been to every family function and get-together with my family, and I have not raised her any different than my own kids, I love them all equally. Our kids are now all in their thirties and have families of their own, we are blessed with 11 grandkids, and as a family, we have spent almost every holiday together at my parents' home. My stepdaughter has been at every family function.

My nephew was getting married (09/2021), and they sent out save-the-dates to everyone. When I received our invitation, I responded via the website they were using and I noticed that my stepdaughter's name was not on the list on the website.

My stepdaughter told me that she had not received an invitation. I was confused and decided to call my mom and ask her if she knew anything about it.

I was completely shocked when she responded that my stepdaughter was not invited. My sister and I do not get along and she is the groom's mother, and I have always felt that my mother favored my sister and her kids. According to my mother, she was told by my nephew and my sister that my nephew didn't really know my stepdaughter very well. I was very, very upset.

I informed my mom that I was going to call my nephew and hear this for myself, and she asked that I not call him as he is already stressed out enough (apparently his fiancé was a bridezilla). I didn't tell my husband what was going on and I didn't speak of the wedding anymore.

My mom called and I informed her that I would not be attending a wedding that did not include one of my children. She got angry with me and said, "We are a family and need to show up for my nephew and it is not going to look right if you are not there." I told her they had offended me by not inviting my child.

I told the other children why I would not be attending the wedding. They were furious but I told them to do what they thought was best for themselves. One of my daughters told me she would go but only for an hour so my mom wasn't upset. No one spoke about the wedding again and the day came and went. I then found out that my sister called my stepdaughter to explain. She was caught off guard and my sister apparently told her that she was her niece and she has never looked at her any differently. My stepdaughter got very upset and hung up.

I haven't spoken to my sister or my nephew since and my mother has told me I need to let it go and stop refusing to go to functions. She and my sister have been lying to the rest of the family about why I'm not there rather than telling the truth. I have told anyone who asks, despite my parents asking me not to, and they've all agreed that I did the right thing, but it's obviously caused a rift in the family.

P*ssed Off Mother, California

You Need To Repair the Rupture in Your Family Tree

Ruth Freeman is a psychotherapist and founder of parenting support organization Peace At Home Parenting Solutions.

Dear P*ssed Off Mother,

First, congratulations on creating a stepfamily that enjoys each other's company and celebrates good times together. I have worked with hundreds of stepparents over the years, and I am a stepparent myself. It can be a challenging role and you have clearly navigated it well.

At this point, you may want to reach out to your nephew. I would start by trying to understand his point of view and describe, with as much care and as little blame as possible, the deep feelings of sadness and disappointment that you felt about your daughter's exclusion. Belonging is important to every human being and your nephew failed to recognize how much his action may have hurt his cousin.

Since you clearly value family bonds, I strongly suggest that for the sake of your children, you repair this rupture in the family tree. This is probably made more complicated by the feeling that your mother favors your sister. I can't agree with you more about the hurt and lack of emotional intelligence demonstrated here. And your feelings may go so deep that meeting with a therapist to process them may help. Mostly I hope you can see the bigger picture of sustaining family relationships on behalf not only of your children but also the generations to come.

All of Your Emotions Are Valid

Ethan Jones is a licensed marriage and family therapist at Zest for Life Counseling in Utah.

I am sorry that you and your family are going through this. No doubt, this experience was and is difficult to handle because of the different emotions you and each member of your family are experiencing. All of these emotions are valid and should be valued. This can be difficult to accept especially when each party feels justified in their position.

I imagine as you reconcile the fact that your feelings and your sister's feelings are equal in value there may be space for acceptance of one another. They say that time heals wounds but using that time to challenge yourself to be in your sister's shoes and understand her perspective is vital. In addition, I often encourage people to think about what they can and cannot control. We often wish to control and make situations for others easier but must learn we cannot control others.