I Want To Sue My Ex For Retracting Our Open Relationship—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, I dated an IT tech for about 10 months a couple of years ago and I noticed tons of red flags during that relationship. On our first date, I declined to continue because of his bizarre standards. For example, he wanted a prenuptial agreement and wanted me to birth his first child before we got married or moved into our home.

About a month after we began dating, he asked for exclusivity, which I didn't want because he didn't meet all of my needs. I eventually agreed to it but then two months later, he asked for an open relationship and I wholeheartedly didn't want that.

I then later agreed to open the relationship because I'd ignored so many guys who were "better" than him. However, he then retracted the open clause a few days after my first date with another guy, appearing distraught that he wasn't scoring any dates. So I closed the relationship again, as he'd asked, Yet a month later, he suggested opening it again and this went on two more times and I was just done.

One night I checked his phone and discovered that he was seeing his old colleague. Reading their love messages made me nauseous but I never told him what I read and found. I broke up with him in 2018 but was shocked because he went on for two whole weeks, seeking my return. He went as far as stalking me at my home, bearing gifts, and begging me to come back.

I thought about it and gave him a clause, which required him to give me a diamond promise ring of fidelity and monogamy worth $10,000 or more, but I eventually declined. He was perhaps devastated about our breakup more so because he'd wanted to do it first or upset because his colleague didn't want him anymore, I don't know.

I don't think I've healed from all the emotional turmoil. We built so much together, we had cryptocurrency, an online store and many future plans, including notes on how our married life and children would be. I need advice on how to sue him for ongoing loss and damages, for all that I lost financially, emotionally and socially.

Annette, New York City

There Is No Legal Duty To Be a Good Partner

Dr. Tracy A. Pearson is a legal, political and cultural analyst and strategist with a Juris Doctor professional law degree.

Generally, there are claims recognizable under the law for negligent infliction of emotional distress (NIED) and intentional infliction of emotional distress (IIED). To prevail on a claim of NIED you would first need to establish a duty recognized under the law to behave within a standard of care.

While each jurisdiction is different, generally there is no legal duty to be a good boyfriend/girlfriend. Moreover, your conduct would be scrutinized too. A court may find you were to blame, at least partially. It is possible that if you were more than 50 percent to blame, your claim would fail.

To prevail under a claim of IIED, you need to prove that the other person intentionally (purposely) sought to inflict trauma or recklessly (knowing the risk, they acted anyway) to inflict emotional trauma.

Like in NIED, the damages would need to be provable with evidence, including expert testimony from medical/mental health providers. The evidence would have to establish that the conduct was outrageous and that "but for" the conduct, the damage wouldn't have occurred. If the victim consents to the conduct, like in an open relationship, the court won't find it was outrageous and the claim fails.

A claim under a simple contract would turn on the terms of the contract. But without the contract it is not possible to evaluate the feasibility.

There is mention of "stalking" but based on your email, it seems not consistent with civil or criminal stalking, which would be viable options and a way to recoup damages and seek protection from an ongoing threat that doesn't seem to exist.

Overall, it sounds like you saw signs that this person was a problem, you proceeded anyway and agreed to conditions that fostered the cheating. The boyfriend cheated on you and was unwilling to end either relationship.

The nature of the human condition is that we can be hurt or betrayed. Based on only what is disclosed in your email, you'd be hard pressed to prevail on any claims. No one forced you to be in this relationship. Chalk it up to a life lesson, seek support and move on in a healthy way.

Lawsuits for Emotional Distress Are Unprofitable

Jeremy Babener is a tax attorney and founder of Structured Consulting. He worked for the U.S. Treasury and the U.S. Department of Justice and now serves on the legal committees of the Society of Settlement Planners (SSP), American Association of Settlement Consultants (AASC) and National Structured Settlements Trade Association (NSSTA).

There's an odd/unfair tax twist to the way lawsuit winnings in your story would be taxed.

Lawsuits for emotional distress are particularly unprofitable because of unfair tax policy. You may settle for $1 million and keep less than $200,000. In a car accident case, you'd be more likely to keep twice that much.

Unlike car accident settlements, cases that don't involve physical injuries are almost always taxable. And worse, you can't deduct your legal fees.

Thus, you end up paying tax on the portion you keep and on the portion you pay to your lawyer (who is then taxed again on the same amount).

Open Relationships Require a Lot of Trust

Bill McKenna is an author of The Only Lesson and the founder of the Cognomovement, a cognitive movement exercise system "designed for the quick and powerful change of chronic problems and patterns."

I've seen firsthand the unique challenges that can arise in open relationships. While these types of relationships can be fulfilling and rewarding for some, they can also be difficult to navigate and require a great deal of communication and trust.

Overall, open relationships can be challenging, but with good communication, trust, and understanding, they can also be incredibly rewarding.

If you're considering an open relationship, it's important to be honest with yourself and your partners about what you want and what you're comfortable with, and to be prepared for the unique difficulties that may arise.

Open Relationship Dating Problems: The 4 Main Challenges Of Being In An Open Relationship

Here are the top four difficulties observed in open relationships, according to McKenna.

• Jealousy: It's natural to feel a twinge of jealousy when your partner is with someone else, even if you've agreed to be in an open relationship. However, jealousy can be especially difficult to deal with in open relationships because it's not just about feeling left out or replaced, but also about the fear of losing your partner altogether.
• Communication: Communication is especially important in open relationships, where there are multiple partners involved. It's essential to be clear and upfront about your boundaries, expectations, and desires, as well as to have open and honest discussions about your relationship status with any new partners.
• Time management: Managing your time and energy can be a challenge in open relationships, especially if you have multiple partners. It's important to make sure you have enough time and energy for each of your relationships and to be honest with your partners about your limitations.
• Stigma: Open relationships are often stigmatized and misunderstood by society. This can make it difficult for people in open relationships to be open about their relationships and to find support and understanding from friends and family. It's important for partners in open relationships to have a strong support system and to be prepared for judgment and misunderstanding from others.