I Want To Disown My Family for Being Unfair With Money—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, I am the second oldest of five children. My parents paid for my older sister to go to college, only for her to decide to get married instead. All the money was lost. Then they paid for her to move to Germany with her husband. I then got accepted at college only for them to tell me there wasn't any money left. I moved out and then later they paid for both younger sisters to attend college. One failed and one quit. My brother never made it through high school. I worked and put myself through college.

Every time I visit and the other children are there, my mother gets very sarcastic and tries to belittle me for having a college education. She says things like "I didn't think you had the brains," and "your sister would have made better grades." I have never shown them my grades which were very good. Finally, I snapped and stated that yes, I had a college education, no thanks to them, that I had paid for it myself and didn't owe anything to anybody because I worked three jobs and studied as hard as I could. My father stepped up and stated, "I don't know why you are so hostile with us, we did the best we could and we supported you for 17 years."

I thanked them for feeding me during my childhood but as far as I was concerned, I never wanted to associate with them or my sisters again so I left. All of my sisters and mother have been leaving me nasty voicemails as I don't answer. I changed my number and didn't tell them I was moving out of state. My favorite aunt has been trying to get a hold of me and I don't know if I should answer or not. I do know that everyone in the family is okay so no problems. I just don't want anything else to do with them.

Susan, Unknown

Cut Ties With the People Who Don't Want the Best for You

William Pullen is a psychotherapist and founder of Dynamic Running Therapy in West London, U.K.

It sounds as though you have been mistreated. It is a parental obligation to try to be fair with their children. It also sounds as though they have belittled and mocked you. You end your message saying that you don't want to have anything else to do with them. You sound pretty adamant. Cutting ties with people who don't want the best for you is often a very good idea. All too often we stay in relationships way past what should have been the termination point so I salute your courage and strength to act. However, from your message, it's hard to understand the point of view of your parents and siblings. Good friends and family are the foundation of good mental health—neither should be cast aside lightly.

For this reason, you should think very carefully. This moment may blow over. There may be a way for you to adapt but retain your relationships which may flourish at some later point in time. Take a breath, think it through, allow things to settle, and see how you feel in a while.

it sounds as though you have spent a good deal of time considering the whole situation. I applaud the care you have evidently taken to be fair yourself, including writing into this column for advice. Regarding your favorite aunt, is it possible to maintain a relationship with her? It would be a great shame to lose her from your life as well. As I mentioned before, family and old friends are like anchors keeping us grounded in ourselves and remind us how far we have come. Sometimes they can also sink us to the depths.

You Can't Cure Your Parents' Behavior

Ruth Freeman is a psychotherapist and founder of parenting support organization Peace At Home Parenting Solutions.

Hopefully, you will be able to find a wise and compassionate therapist who will help you address the myriad of injuries you describe in your story. If we had time to interview each of your parents, we might find out what part of their own childhood injuries they are projecting on you in order to explain why they are treating you so differently from your siblings. But that really isn't the most important thing for you. Often when parents mistreat children, the kids think it is due to something about themselves. That is never the case. Being treated like you are less deserving of support than your siblings is unkind and hurtful.

The first step is for you to recognize that you didn't cause your parent's behavior and you can't cure it. Hopefully, you feel proud and happy about your independent accomplishments and celebrate those with the people you love. In situations like yours, it often works best to create a "family of choice"—finding people in your life with whom you feel safe and enjoy spending time together, even spending holidays or special occasions together.

On the other hand, deciding to close the door on your family of origin is not necessarily helpful, although totally understandable. It sounds like they are not a source of feeling seen, safe, soothed, and secure which are the elements of healthy attachment. Move toward those people in your life who help you feel that way and keep your connection with family limited. If you visit, plan to stay for 30 minutes or an hour, and stay away from any really personal conversation—just be polite.

If anyone makes a hurtful remark either during a visit or a phone conversation just say, "I have to go. Thanks for having me over..." or "Take care." Cutting them out of your life may cause a different kind of pain in the long run. But keeping very clear boundaries and limiting your relationship with them to sporadic visits or conversations may be your best path right now. A good therapist can help you make a plan about how you want to be with your family. And if you are thinking you don't want a helper in this process, think again. Hyper-independence can be a symptom of trauma and given your story, you could be dealing with that difficulty. You have accomplished amazing things. Find people you enjoy and celebrate all your happiness with them.