My Stepdaughter Is Making Me Feel Like an Outcast—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek,

My boyfriend has an 8-year-old daughter whom I gladly accepted as part of the package when I got with him three years ago. Recently she has been throwing fits and when they come to my apartment, they take over my bed, and I can't even cuddle with him.

If he pays me any attention, she throws a tantrum. It's unbearable and I choose to sit on the floor instead of fight. He chooses to get her anything she wants after she does these tantrums, which makes her ruder. One day she asked me, "why are you wearing those slides, didn't you wear them yesterday?" I thought to myself "seriously I can't afford to have different shoes for each day of the week."

Then there was the time when he had asked me if I'd stay with the cart, she actually turned to me and said "yeah stay with the cart." The guy standing next to me looked at me like "seriously you're going to let this kid talk to you like this?"

Recently she had asked me to carry some stuff and then told me "well you do need the exercise." I told my boyfriend about everything when it happened. He just brushes it off saying "she's a kid." He will not hold my hand at all walking so he walks 5 feet ahead of me holding his daughter's hand then complains I walk too slowly. I don't know I just feel like an outcast when it comes down to being around him and his daughter.

Stephanie, Unknown

Stop Making It All About You

Dr. Tony Ortega, a New York-based psychologist with 30 years' experience.

The first thing I would suggest, and you probably don't want to hear this, is to stop making it all about you. There are two other people involved so the solution has to be communicated and negotiated over time. Widen the lens through which you are looking at this situation to address everyone involved.

I would first befriend the child. Remember, she is likely seeing you as a threat to her relationship with her dad. Therefore, you need to create a relationship with her where she does not see you as a threat. As a child of divorced parents myself, I know this to be very much the case. Start to get to know her. What does she like? What are her hobbies? What hobbies do you like that you can do with her? Again, befriend her because she is not going anywhere.

I would model the kind of behavior you would like to see in her. Children need role models so don't let her see you being bratty or anything like that. If you are having any issues with your guy, whether it's about him or the child, reserve the conversation for when she is not around or even there.

When she is acting like a brat, I would gently remind her that this is not very nice and make a suggestion of a different way of acting or saying something. Offer it to her as a suggestion, much like a catering waiter offers you an appetizer at a cocktail party. Would you like this? It's good. No, okay then. You can calmly let her know that what she said didn't feel good for you and leave it at that.

Do What You Can to Create a Fun Relationship With Her

Roma Norriss is a U.K.-based parenting consultant who helps people with co-parenting and blended family dynamics.

Dear Reader,

I just want to say I'm sorry you're in this painful situation. I think it's a good sign that your boyfriend's daughter is feeling safe enough that she can display her emotions more readily in your presence. Tantrums are healthy and normal. It can take many years for a child to come to terms with their parent's separation. It may be that your existence brings up uncomfortable feelings for this girl. Kids only ever behave in unkind ways when there are hurt feelings underneath.

It's important that when children tantrum we don't rush to fix the apparent "problem" but instead focus on listening. Each time she gets worked up, she is actually offloading some of that stored-up hurt. Over time she won't feel so upset about the situation and she'll be able to have a better relationship with you.

Because on an attachment level it is crucial that your boyfriend's daughter feels emotionally secure with him, you want to do everything you can to bolster their relationship. When she relaxes, she won't have to act out. Let them hang out in your bed! Give way to her whenever there's an option for her to receive her father's attention. Make sure the time you spend all together is focused on her. You too have attachment needs, but as an adult, wait until you are alone with your partner to fill up. He, while still keeping most of his attention on his daughter, can also help you feel less anxious by affirming how important you are and holding boundaries around you being spoken to badly.

Do what you can to create a fun relationship with this girl. This is a good kid who is just feeling insecure. Take her out just the two of you, to give you some time to bond. Each time she arrives in your apartment, spend 10 minutes just showering her with your undivided attention and delight. At the moment you are experiencing her as a threat and a drain on your relationship and she'll certainly have picked up on that. Become interested in what makes this kid tick and how to make her laugh.

Once you have this connection in place as a baseline, you also be able to set limits when she speaks to you in an off-track way. The best way to do this is playfully. When she asks you to carry stuff you can say "Thank you, My Lady, for exercising your humble slave"—or whatever might make her laugh. By doing this you convey that you're not threatened by her, but you've also clocked her off-track tone without being punitive, which would further erode your connection.