My Son's Small Wedding Caused A Huge Family Rift—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, my son and his fiancée were determined to have a small wedding at the courthouse.

We live in the States, while she and her family are Australian. Two weeks prior to the wedding, her parents and brother announced they were flying to the U.S. for the wedding.

In 12 days, we got: the chapel reserved, her dress bought and alterations underway, got his tux two days prior, selected the flowers, arranged a private dining room for the reception, bought table décor, had a baker make them a variety of cupcakes, bought a beautiful tiered cupcake/pastry stand, had a photographer take pictures of the church and reception, reserved a hotel for her parents and brother, and completed their church counseling.

The bride and groom only wanted their immediate family. It was their choice. My son asked me not to share it with anyone, including my late husband's family—he's survived by his parents and four siblings. They chose not to include her grandparents or his grandparents (my parents had already passed).

The result? I am being held accountable for my son and his wife's choice.

My in-laws know I talk, and they jump up and down about family events. Of course, I wanted to tell everyone, but I honored the couple's request and now only get the cold shoulder treatment from my husband's family.

By way of example, I sent his sister two floral vase arrangements for Christmas last December. Not a Facebook message, text, email, or old-fashioned thank-you note. The only way I knew she got them was by the florist delivery confirmation.

So, how does one manage this? I'm curious about the responses, and any advice is appreciated.

Nina, Texas

Should Not Apologize for Son and Daughter-in-law's Choice

Maria K. Venetis is a relationship expert and associate professor of communication at Rutgers School of Communication and Information.

Direct and specific communication can go a long way to improve, maintain and protect relationships. The U.S. is a culture that often prefers transparency and direct speech.

Given that the sending of floral arrangements went unanswered (an indirect approach to maintaining a relationship), the groom's mother may consider talking directly to members of her late husband's family to explain herself.

In this case a direct, a face-to-face conversation or telephone call may help her to connect so that she can talk about what happened, in a way that allows them to know that she values their relationships. She should not apologize for her son and daughter-in-law's choice to have a small wedding; apologizing suggests that she thinks they did something wrong.

Rather, she can acknowledge how small weddings make people feel left out or excluded and that can be hurtful. She can apologize for hurt feelings that were not intentional.

The groom's mom should note that it is not necessary for her to offer her explanation to every member of her late husband's family. Consider if there is someone in her late husband's family that she is most close to, like his sister or mother, or someone who will share her information with others.

Open Communication Is Key to Resolve This Situation

Gina Radice-Vella is the chief psychologist at Jersey Shore University Medical Center in New Jersey.

First, it's important to honor everyone's feelings in this situation. The bride and groom have a right to decide who to include and who not to include and likely have good reasons for their decision. In the same respect, the family members not included also have a right to feel hurt and left out. Lastly, as the one in the middle, it makes sense that the writer feels torn and at a loss.

Weddings are monumental life events, not only for the bride and groom, but also for family and close friends. It's not uncommon for people to become emotionally invested in the decisions the couple makes, often taking decisions personally.

If the wedding planning doesn't follow cultural expectations or family traditions, family members may feel offended. Many bride and grooms seek to modernize their wedding, trading in long-held cultural practices for trendy, modern themes. This can be very upsetting for family members and those of older generations who look forward to traditions.

In this case, I think it's important to consider the fact that writer's spouse has passed away and it's his family members that are feeling left out. Perhaps the family members were looking forward to this wedding as a way to stay connected to their deceased loved one.

Many of the hurt feelings could have possibly been avoided if the couple openly communicated their decision to get married, and their reasoning for including only immediate family, ahead of them finding out via other channels.

While it may have been hurtful for the family to hear, it likely would have been less of a blow than finding out in a less direct way. This approach may also have prevented the writer from being put in the middle of an uncomfortable dilemma.

Couples tend to become narrowly focused on their vision, so they may unintentionally lose sight of how their decisions impact others. The writer may have communicated her concerns to the bride and groom, and suggested alternative solutions, such as the couple reaching out to the family or hosting a separate celebration after the wedding.

Open communication is key to resolve this situation. I encourage the writer to begin a dialogue with her in-laws, explaining the context behind the decisions. It may also be helpful to explain the tough spot she was in, and how she would have liked things to be different.