My Niece Has A Bigger Bedroom Than Me—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, I live in a four-bedroom house with my mother, sister, and niece.

Originally, only my mother and I lived in the house. My mother occupies the master bedroom. I moved in after her husband died and with the Covid lockdown.

My mother asked me to take the smaller bedroom, so the larger spare bedroom could be reserved for guests. Thinking I would be staying for a few weeks, I agreed. Shortly after, my sister lost her job, so she and her daughter moved in as well. My sister got the second smaller bedroom, but my niece took over the large spare room. The niece is a college freshman and is only home on holiday weekends and summer break.

As a textile artist, I make my living creating quilts and other textile pieces. My business was slow during the pandemic, but it has almost tripled in the last four months. I can no longer keep my work confined to my tiny bedroom and now use the dining room as well.

My mother does not like the disruption in the middle of the house. She wants me to move my projects into the garage (with no climate control, no AC, heat or natural light). For many reasons, this set-up will not work, so I suggested that it would be more practical for me to switch bedrooms with my niece (her room is twice the size of mine).

My mother will not even consider this option. My niece attends college about 400 miles from the house, but she is highly emotional and extremely immature. My mom does not want to upset her and forbids me to even discuss this with my niece or my sister.

My mother is 84 and needs supervision, so moving out myself is not an option. Switching rooms would be an easy solution, wouldn't it? Please advise.

Janice, Texas

Be Open to Considering Hybrid Approaches

Patrice Le Goy is a licensed marriage and family therapist, with experience conducting individual as well as group sessions, like couples therapy.

Dear reader, first of all, congratulations on the success of your business! That is such an achievement, especially given the rollercoaster of the last few years. At the same time, it sounds like your family has been going through a lot of stressful life changes and I'm sorry that you're finding yourself in this situation. Here are some suggestions for navigating this issue with your family.

I think you need to organize your thoughts and needs so you can present them in a rational manner. Family issues are often laden with emotion and in this case, you want to be able to approach this clearly and factually. For example, you mention needing space, climate control, and natural light in order to do your work. Be ready to share this with your family and the reasons for those specific needs.

Second, be open to considering hybrid approaches to this issue. For example, you mentioned that your niece is often away and not using her room. Is it possible for you to use the room during those times only and therefore not require your niece to move into another space?

Finally, you mentioned something that really stood out to me—that your mother "forbids" you to speak to your sister and niece about this. I would really want to examine this and consider why you don't feel empowered to have an adult conversation with your sister in particular. How do you understand these family dynamics?

Unfortunately, having these kinds of conversations can be upsetting, and I can tell you care deeply for your mother and want to be respectful of her wishes. But if this is not addressed and you continue to ignore your needs as a member of your family, resentment can build and do greater damage to the family relationships.

It is important to vocalize your needs so that this doesn't happen, and I hope you can do this in a way that is both brave and kind.

Ask Them to Hear You Out and Meet You in the Middle

Shiela Mie Legaspi is a work-from-home expert and president of Cyberbacker, a worldwide provider of virtual assistance services.

Dear reader, this situation is tough to navigate, yet critical in setting boundaries based on mutual respect. Multigenerational family homes can be tricky, but it's essential to articulate the importance of the room switch without dismissing the other person and their perspective.

First, you should gently approach this conversation and discover what is causing the high emotion levels about the situation. Next, ensure they are open to hearing your perspective. This can be as simple as asking if they would be open to hearing more about why you would like to switch rooms.

This will vary based on the situation, but the more significant point is that you are asking the person to hear you out and to meet you in the middle. It's crucial to do this without being reductive of their experience, regardless of age.

Finally, you have to explain the importance of the room switch to you and potentially offer alternative solutions to make them more comfortable with this. Help them adjust to their new situation (in this case, the room). For example, in this case, play an active role in making the new room just as comfortable, if not more.

Worst-case scenario, discuss if it would be possible for you to use the room while she is at school at the very least. This will show them that you take a personal stake in their happiness and comfort too, as a result of their cooperation and understanding of your situation.