Adoptive Parents Slammed for 'Selfishly' Keeping Child From Biological Mom

A woman was criticized by commenters in a popular internet forum after revealing she refused to let her young daughter contact her biological mother.

The Original Poster (OP), known as u/momma2myworld, posted about the situation in Reddit's "Am I The A**hole" forum where it received more than 11,800 upvotes and 3,500 comments. The post can be found here.

Families and Adoption

There are three types of adoption within America: closed, semi-open and open. Within closed adoptions, no names or contact information is shared between the biological and adoptive families.

Open adoptions allow the biological family and adoptive families to stay in contact and there is often communication between the adopted child and their biological parents.

With semi-open adoptions, the communication between the biological and adoptive parents and children varies significantly. Some families have personal information about each other while others might only know first names.

Jeanette Yoffe, adoption expert and the director of Los Angeles-based therapy group Yoffe Therapy, told Newsweek that regardless of adoption type, adoptees' curiosity about their biological family typically peaks during the teenage years.

For many adolescents, this time is formative for figuring out personal identity and those who are provided with no genetic answers often remain on a "cathartic quest" for a sense of self.

"Children need information about their origins to help form a personal identity and research shows they "thrive" by having the information," Yoffe said. "Children need to know that their birth families care about them and that the adoption didn't represent rejection."

Yoffe said it is important for adoptive parents to be aware that children will have a curiosity about their biological parents and allow that relationship to blossom if possible.

"Study after study confirms that adopted children experience no confusion about who is the 'real parent' as a result of being introduced to their birth mothers and the birthparents," Yoffe said. "Family relationships are healthier in an atmosphere of openness, honesty and empathy between all parties. Families involved in open adoptions do report positive experiences."

Yet many parents are fearful that letting their child contact their birth parents will make their relationship suffer.

"They fear they will lose their child's love and their child will want to return to their birth families," Yoffe said. "Adoptive parents need to understand that their first priority is their child and to be reassured their child will not be any less their child if he/she knows their birth mom."

'AITA?'

In the post titled "AITA for not allowing my daughter to contact her bio parents?" the OP, 40, said she and her husband, 42, have a 9-year-old daughter.

She said her daughter is aware that she was adopted at birth since her biological mom was a "very sweet" 18-year-old and wanted to give her the "best life" possible.

Recently, the OP's daughter had a school project where she had to write about where she "comes from."

"She is determined to find her biological mother and father to find out. I offered for her to write about our family instead," the post read. "My husband and I don't want her reaching out to them. We told her this and she's upset saying we don't understand and that she'll always wonder about them."

The girl also said her parents were being "selfish" for not letting her "find out who she is."

"We obviously just want what's best for her. AITA?" the post read.

Redditor Reactions

More than 3,500 users commented on the post, many urging the OP to allow her daughter to meet her biological mother.

"Please please please reconsider this. Do some research," one user commented. "My little sister was adopted at birth in a similar situation, and I am a foster/adoptive parent now, and I promise if you don't let her meet her birth family when she's younger, she will create her own narrative about them."

"YTA. I'm an adoptive mom. As long as it's not a safety issue, your daughter has a right to know her history and biological parentage," another commented. "Keeping it from her will only make her more curious and resentful of you for lying/withholding information."

"You say you're worried about her having a 'fantasy' of what it could be like talking to or meeting her bio parent(s). Have you ever actually talked to her about it? Have you told her anything about her origins?" another user commented. "It seems logical and fair that a kid would want to know about where they came from."

"YTA. I'm adopted. Her curiosity is NOT ABOUT YOU!" another commented. "She will always wonder where she came from? Why they left? Does she look like them? This is NOT ABOUT YOU or her love for you. If you discourage this she will resent you."

"This is a recipe for 'When I turn 18, I will look for my bio mother and go NC with adoptive parents,'" another commented. "Resentment is very dangerous. Best to avoid it."

"YTA - coming from someone who was adopted like your daughter, all you are doing is going to cause problems for her in the future," another commented. "She is always going to wonder 'where she comes from' and if you try to prevent her from finding out she will hold it against you."

Change of Mind

In an update, the OP clarified that the adoption was closed, per her and her husband's request, but that they were given her birth mother's contact information in case their daughter ever wanted to reach out.

"She does have a letter from her birth mother explaining why she was adopted and that it wasn't because she didn't love her," the OP said.

The OP also said that after reading over the comments, she decided to call the phone number she has.

She ended up speaking with her daughter's biological mother, who is now 28 and is unmarried without children. She was also told her daughter's father does not know she was born.

The OP explained that she did not want her to have communication with her daughter, citing that they are "only doing what we think is best."

"She let me know that when my daughter and I are ready she'll be there to answer any questions," the update read.

The woman also offered to do an "interview" by sending a video or email answering some of her daughter's questions.

But after a long discussion with their daughter, they decided to let her call her biological mother. The two spoke over FaceTime with OP's supervision, and her daughter asked about her biological father.

"She told our daughter his name but doesn't know how to contact him," the post read. "They were high school sweethearts and haven't talked in a couple years. I did promise my daughter we'd help find him."

Newsweek reached out to u/momma2myworld for comment.

Other Viral Posts

Another parent was slammed by commenters in a popular Reddit forum after her stepson said she was "delusional" for trying to adopt him.

In another viral post, a teen was praised for avoiding his "real parents" by being adopted by his stepmother. One woman was also supported online after revealing her thoughts that being a stepparent is "traumatic."