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A post about a bride-to-be planning her wedding while her sister-in-law is going through a divorce, has gone viral on Reddit.
In a post shared on Reddit's Am I The A**hole (AITA) subforum, user Spirited_Plantain485 said her sister-in-law and her husband filed for divorce two months ago.
"I honestly am indifferent about it. I don't feel sad, or happy, I just don't care," the user said, noting: "She and her husband had it coming."
Her sister-in-law's marriage was of the kind "where they brag about how much they hate and can't stand each other," she said.
According to a June 2021 report published in the peer-reviewed journal Frontiers in Psychology: "Close genetic relatives compete, often fiercely, over familial property, but the main issues in conflict among marital relatives are different and diverse: fidelity and paternity, divorce and autonomy, and inclinations to invest in distinct natal kindreds. These conflicts can get ugly, even lethal."
The report said: "The 'brute fact' of genetic relatedness favors forgiveness and reconciliation among blood kin, even after betrayals," but in-laws, unlike blood relatives, are "replaceable."
The study explained: "We can speak of 'in-law conflict' as an extension of sexual conflict, with parents on both sides joining the fray. Cooperation may also be part of these relationships when the interests of both sides are enhanced," according to a December 2007 study in Current Anthropology.
The user in the latest Reddit post said she and her sister-in-law "never truly got along," as they have "different mindsets on some stuff regarding how we live our lives."
The user said she and her fiancé "have a very loving relationship with great communication and we still go on dates and like to dress up..." Her sister-in-law would allegedly "mock" their relationship, claiming they didn't "truly" love each other. She also allegedly said "how she can't wait till we end up hating each other too in the future," according to the user.
The original poster was confronted by her mother-in-law, who said: "How can I be so happy and excited to plan a wedding while my SIL is getting divorced," adding that "I have no empathy for SIL [sister-in-law]..."
The user told her mother-in-law: "I indeed don't feel sorry that SIL, the person who bragged about hating her husband and being in a loveless marriage, is getting divorced. She and her husband had it coming. I also won't feel sorry for a person who mocked my happiness and relationship...AITA?"
Withdraw From the Conflict
Ruth E. Freeman, a psychotherapist who is the founder of Peace At Home Parenting Solutions (a digital parenting education program), told Newsweek: "The bride-to-be in this situation seems to be joining in with her in-laws' bash fest. Everyone sounds determined to be right and prove the others wrong. There is no winning in the process, just a lifelong unfolding of blame."
The psychotherapist recommends withdrawing from the conflict. Whenever the user is criticized about the situation, Freeman advises having a pre-planned response such as: "It sounds like you're really disappointed that we don't see this the same way. I hope we can stay connected and kind to each other even when we disagree" and stop things there.
Freeman said: "The unfortunate practice of justifying her position and keeping the argument going is not going to lead to resolution, but will certainly increase stress for her and her fiancé."
Be Wary of Triangulation
Freeman said the original poster may want to learn to recognize "the common but harmful habit of triangulation that happens in so many families."
Triangulation is when one person in a family tells another in the family about how a third person thinks and feels. It's often a "never ending destructive pattern" found in most families and in all dysfunctional ones, she said.
"The challenge is to keep your heart open when someone is trying to convince you that you're bad—good boundaries and a strong sense of self is needed to stay connected and set boundaries at the same time," Freeman advised.
Talk to the Sister-in-Law
The psychotherapist said that if the sister-in-law is upset, the user may want to call her and say something like: "I understand you're disappointed that we're going ahead with our wedding plans."
The user should listen to the sister-in-law and understand her point-of-view. "After listening, if the bride-to-be and her partner still want to go ahead, just let SIL know their plan and express hope that they can remain connected and kind in spite of SIL's disappointment," Freeman said.
Several Redditors sided with the original poster in the latest viral post.
In a comment that got 6,800 upvotes, user mm172 said the original poster was "NTA [not the a**hole]," noting "What was she [the mother-in-law] expecting you to do, hold off until SIL found someone new, if ever?..."
In a comment that got 2,100 upvotes, user tinnic wrote: "I don't get this at all! I mean, SIL bragged about hating her spouse, and the divorce isn't a celebration?...What was the expectation here? Just be miserable forever?..."
User megZesq said: "Sounds like SIL is one of those people who is determined to be miserable, regardless of what is going on in her life."
Newsweek has contacted the original poster for comment.
If you have a similar family dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.
About the writer
Soo Kim is a Newsweek reporter based in London, U.K. She covers various lifestyle stories, specializing in Read more