Woman Divorces Husband for Living a Second Life With His Ex-Wife

Ever thought about what your life would have been like if you'd stayed with your ex-partner? Married or not, many people have probably pondered that at some point in their lives.

But what if you could carry on living two lives—one with your ex and one with your current partner—at the same time? One husband has allegedly been doing so, according to a Newsweek reader.

The reader told Newsweek about a recent discovery in her "unsettling marriage." She explained: "I learned that my husband was living in two worlds. One with his ex-wife & children and one with our family."

The reader has one child from a previous marriage, while her husband has two kids, "and, little did I know, a controlling ex-wife was included in the package as well."

Her husband and his ex-wife, who later "left him to sow her oats," were married at a young age because she got pregnant but they were in love, which is understandable," the reader noted.

After the two were married, the ex-wife allegedly suggested to the husband that "after she experienced all life had to offer, they could reunite."

When the reader asked whether he felt the same way, the husband allegedly said "he didn't know" and "his children knew this." According to the reader, he allegedly "refused to discuss with his children that he would never get back with his ex-wife, which they believed."

The reader said her husband told her "many times after & during our marriage that his children & ex-wife were his priority" and she "always felt like an afterthought," as if she was "having sloppy seconds." She felt "under-valued" and questioned her importance in his life.

A March 2013 study in the peer-reviewed journal Social Psychological and Personality Science found that "ex-partners may be used in a substitution process to bolster belongingness needs when relationships sour and that resolving feelings for one's most recent ex may be important for maximizing a new relationship's potential."

Living a Second Life With an Ex-Wife

According to the reader, "secrets arose during the marriage," such as her husband spending every Christmas at his ex-wife's house with their children and continuing to buy the ex-wife Christmas gifts.

"Life continued to get worse when we had a child together," the reader said. Despite initially agreeing to have a child together and knowing that not having one would be a "deal breaker" for their relationship, the reader said: "Once I did get pregnant, three years into the marriage, he wanted me to have an abortion."

The reader allegedly "had no support during the entire pregnancy until I went into labor" and the husband later "turned out to be the best father ever" to their son.

But he appeared to prioritize his other children, according to the reader, and began spending every Friday night and all weekend with his other children. When his ex-wife moved out of the state with their children, the husband "went to visit his children while living in his ex-wife's house 30 straight days every year in the summer," according to the reader.

A May 2020 study in the peer-reviewed journal Clinical Psychological Science stated: "Theoretically, it is plausible that in-person contact with one's ex-partner is not associated with overtly negative effects at the time, but rather sets in motion a process that is ultimately associated with worsened distress and slowed psychological adjustment."

What could have motivated the husband to behave in the ways that he did, how did these marriages go wrong and who is responsible for the consequences of this latest situation? Newsweek spoke to experts who unpicked all of this and more.

Why Did the Husband Choose to Live in Two Marriages?

Wendy O'Neill, a clinical psychologist based in London who works with individuals and families with emotional difficulties, told Newsweek it appears that the reader's husband "had little regard" for the impact that his behavior and actions were having on his wife and "little concern" for her feelings.

The psychologist said: "It is clear that he never emotionally left this relationship [with his ex-wife], as the urge to return regularly and for long periods demonstrated his loyalty for his ex-wife."

A July 2015 study in the peer-reviewed journal Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences conducted by researchers at Binghamton University in New York and University College London in the U.K., which looked at emotional and physical responses to a breakup, found that the "emotional response was more severe than physical, with women expressing higher levels than men in each instance."

The study's findings suggested that women tend to recover more fully from a breakup, while men, though they might move onto another person, tend to never fully recover from it.

Craig Morris from Binghamton University, a lead author of the study, said: "Put simply, women are evolved to invest far more in a relationship than men."

When it comes to breakups: "The man will likely feel the loss deeply and for a very long period of time as it 'sinks in' that he must 'start competing' all over again to replace what he has lost—or worse still, come to the realization that the loss is irreplaceable," he said.

Tami Zak, a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) who is a provider partner for Grow Therapy, a company providing mental health services, told Newsweek there is "plenty of blame to go around" in the latest case and the three adults involved "all contributed to a very complicated and painful situation."

It appears that the husband "never wanted a divorce in the first place," and "it's reasonable to ask why he let this happen..."

Zak said: "When his ex-wife opened the door, he ran back into the relationship. Instead of being honest with his new wife, he tried to have his cake and eat it too."

While the husband may have loved and cared for the reader, "their relationship may have been a coping mechanism" to deal with the divorce from his first wife. "It was a rebound on steroids, becoming a marriage with kids and all the responsibilities that come with it," according to Zak.

The LMFT also noted the husband might be exhibiting sociopathic behavior. "Sociopaths manipulate to get their needs met and care little if those around them are hurt or traumatized. He was willing to hurt his new wife and go back to his ex-wife," Zak explained.

Pure Selfishness or Genuinely Torn Between Two Families?

O'Neill said according to the reader, the husband was still "emotionally invested" in his first marriage and "the family he created with her and his desire to remain in a relationship with his ex-wife override the respect and boundaries within his [second] marriage."

The psychologist highlighted that the husband did not attempt to "explain his behavior, compromise or offer suggestions" on how he might be able to maintain a relationship with his children, but "not be so present in his ex-wife's life," even after the reader shared her feelings with him.

Zak said: "Both scenarios are possible. In trying to get over his first relationship, he got serious in the second, didn't know how to get out of it, and didn't want to hurt his wife."

The LMFT said another possible explanation could be "having a dual relationship as a means of protection should his ex-wife walk away a second time."

So his second wife was essentially a "plan B," regardless of the pain or impact it would have on her or the children, which "also suggests sociopathic tendencies on his part," Zak said.

What Are the Best Steps for Moving Forward?

The reader said she attempted to talk to her husband "but my words were turned into a deaf ear" and "emotionally I became depressed and lost at this point." She later told him that they should get a divorce if he wasn't happy being married.

"It was very difficult moving forward and beginning a new life but I was also relieved at the same time." However, what's most upsetting is that "to this day, he doesn't have any contact with my adult daughter and our adult son," the reader said.

She said: "I keep asking myself if I could have done anything differently? Where did I go wrong? Is it me or was it him or just the circumstances in general?"

O'Neill said the reader appears to be questioning her role within the relationship and whether she could have changed her husband's actions. However, "ultimately, we cannot control how others behave and holding onto these questions can mean that the reader can remain stuck in the past along with all the difficult and painful feelings that are clearly associated with the continued betrayal of her husband's actions."

The psychologist also wonders whether the reader "blames herself for staying in the relationship and the emotional toil it has had on her and perhaps other areas of her life." O'Neill advises "moving forward that she learns to forgive herself and not allow the relationship to continue to be an ongoing presence in her life."

Zak said: "Infidelity or cheating in a relationship often has little to do with the 'other woman or man'."

The LMFT said infidelity occurs because "the person cheating feels they are not getting their needs met in the relationship and looks outside of it." So the reader should not feel responsible for her husband's behavior, Zak said.

Zak advises the reader should explore why she was willing to stay in the relationship and "accept less and less from her husband and the father of their child."

The therapist said: "Women in our culture are often told that their needs are not as important as the husband's or family's. This is not true; through therapy, she can work to find her voice, set boundaries, and be empowered to speak out for what she needs in subsequent relationships."

To help with any "lingering shame of staying in the relationship," Zak said the reader should work with an Internal Family Systems therapist "who can support her to have compassion for herself and release the shame."