Sympathy for Man Not Wanting to Share Polyamorous Wife: 'Never Wanted This'

A man has shared online how he believes he's in the final months of his marriage after his wife came out as polyamorous.

The 30-year-old Redditor u/Aggravating_Bid_8944 shared the story in a post that can be seen here.

He explained how he and his wife had been together for 11 years and had been through life's ups and downs in that time, from living in multiple cities to the deaths of loved ones and having pets together.

"Earlier this year, that all came crashing down for me," he revealed. "This year, my wife came out to me as polyamorous. I'm broken."

Polyamory is the practice of, or desire to have, multiple romantic relationships simultaneously, with the informed consent of all involved.

"I felt taken aback by it and felt all sorts of insecurities: am I not enough? is this relationship a joke to you? why do you need to f*** other people?" said the poster. "Of course, I didn't say any of these things to her, but instead tried to remain calm and discuss the topic with her."

Nothing changed in the relationship for a while, but whenever the couple discussed it, the husband admitted it made him feel uncomfortable.

"Because in truth, I just want her. I don't want to think about other partners every time I think about her. I want her, and only her. Why can't I be enough?" he said.

Michelle Hy, the founder of Polyamorous While Asian, told Newsweek: "Polyamory can take on a wide variety of structures, but the relationship agreements tend to be different at a fundamental level from conventional monogamous agreements (mainly the 'exclusivity clause'). Introducing non-monogamy into a previously monogamous relationship can require a radical change in boundaries."

Struggling with the realities of the changes in their relationship, it was when the wife admitted she had developed feelings for someone else that things became truly difficult.

"She developed feelings for someone else, and wanted to tell me about it for transparency," he said. "She's always been honest and transparent with me, but man, did this one hit me like a f****** truck."

At this point, the couple decided to visit a poly-friendly therapist who could guide them through the situation.

"Ideally, people go into relationships knowing whether monogamy or non-monogamy is more right for themselves. But many people are not afforded that choice prior to investing in a relationship and only learn about it down the road. There is no one right way. I've seen the term 'polybombing' thrown around and there doesn't seem to be a consensus on what it means," said Hy.

"I've heard it described as any time a person introduces the topic of non-monogamy in a previously monogamous relationship. I've also heard it applied specifically to situations where a person presents it as manipulative—'I'm going to have a date and have sex with other people whether you like it or not—suck it up.' The latter never ends well. But the former is no different from a person sharing any other major life change or self-discovery that affects the relationship."

'My Marriage as I Knew It Is Essentially Over'

The therapist supported the couple and helped them to better communicate about the situation.

"I eventually break down and confess that I don't want any of this, and that I hadn't been allowing myself to be okay with wanting the beautiful relationship we already have. It's a tough conversation that the therapist guides us through, and eventually we decide to put a formal pause to polyamory talks," said the poster.

"She won't act on any feelings, and promises to treat the topic as delicately and sparsely as she can. But she also admits that being poly is something she needs, and she has so much love to give. We'll be monogamous for a few more months while I get my s*** together, I guess," he added.

But the poster was heartbroken and expressed how he felt he was "staring down the final months" of his marriage, as he knew the topic of polyamory was set to return into their lives.

"I'm trying to hold myself together and be a better husband and partner anyway. If I'm going to be let down in the end, I might as well have the best f****** last months with her as I know it. This could all work out, or it couldn't. Either way, my marriage as I knew it is essentially over," he said.

When it comes to handling the introduction of polyamory in a relationship, Hy advises that it is all about doing the homework—both individually and together.

"The individual part is important so that each person has time and space to process. The together part is just as important to help keep one another on the same page. Podcasts, books, social media accounts. Be wary of sources that paint non-monogamy as an elite paradise or sources that vilify it. Like any relationship structure, it comes with its benefits and its challenges," said Hy.

Advice and Thoughts

Reddit users shared their thoughts with the poster—offering advice and thoughts on the poster's situation.

"Polyamory will only work, if both parties are 110% invested," said one commenter. Another Redditor said: "Damn man, you should respect yourself more."

"Definitely don't settle for anything you don't want to be a part of," said another reply.

"There are many cases in which this just won't work. Part of that is because there still aren't enough open and accessible forums, communities, and resources for people to learn about and explore non-monogamy without judgment," said Hy. "If two people have a desire for a relationship structure with boundaries and agreements that oppose one another, then it will not work.

"At the very least, the relationship will not be able to continue as it had been up to that point. It seems the husband is beyond the point of no return with resentment and that the both of them may have relationship structure desires that are not compatible at this point. Whatever their dynamic, as he said, it will not be the same as it was before."

Newsweek reached out to u/Aggravating_Bid_8944 for comment. We couldn't verify the details of the case.

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