Teen Backed for Telling Sister She's Parents' Favorite: 'I Was Left Behind'

A 17-year-old is being backed for telling her 14-year-old sister that while the younger girl gets to do whatever she wants, she's been shut out from having her own life by her parents' demands.

The older girl, u/Proud_Buyer_8918, shared her story to the popular Reddit forum r/AmITheA**hole. Her post, "[Am I the A**hole] for dumping the truth on my sister?" earned over 21,000 upvotes and 2,600 comments.

The original poster (OP) says that since her sister was born, she's felt as if her parents saw her as "a babysitter, as a third adult in the house" and expected her to be "40 year old kid/teenager." On the other hand, she says her sister has "never wanted for anything and they do everything to make her happy."

"I remember I would come home from school and mom would have me help feed my sister. She would have me watch her then while she was in and out of the house," u/Proud_Buyer_8918 wrote. "We'd go out as a family and she'd want something and they'd get it for her. But I would be told to act my age if I wanted something."

She also says that while her younger sister was always allowed to sleep over at friends' houses and have "really amazing birthday parties," the OP had to stay home and never got to have parties.

"There were times my parents would take her to do really amazing stuff and I was left behind," she wrote.

She said that when she turned 15, she started to pull back from the family, due to feeling like she was treated as less-than. She says that this pulling back has annoyed her sister. The OP stopped doing chores and decided to take the punishments, because her sister doesn't have any household responsibilities.

"My parents hate that I won't be the little house keeper they wanted. My sister has told me I'm a brat and ungrateful for not helping our parents who are amazing. Over time it has gotten worse," u/Proud_Buyer_8918 wrote.

The OP's sister blew up recently when she overheard her talking about how she was going to move out with her friends in a few months—and hadn't told anyone in her family she was leaving. This led the OP to unload on her sister how she had been treated.

"She talked about how mom and dad have saved for us to go to college and I just wanna run away. Something broke inside me when she said that," OP wrote. "I told her SHE has a college fund waiting for her, but I don't. Just like SHE can get anything she wants while I'm told to act my age and not want anything. I told her she expects me to be a maid when I get nothing and she gets everything. I told her I am not that much older than her but everyone expects me to be an adult.

"I asked her how she'd feel if she was supposed to juggle a younger sibling, taking care of the bulk of household chores, schoolwork and not getting time with friends. That the only reason you have s**t is because you work, but it leaves you exhausted because you already have so much on. I told her that is my life and she doesn't make me want to stay any more than our parents do.

"To cut this short she's upset and I was called an a**hole for being so mean to her. My sister said I was an a**hole for dumping all that on her shoulders," she concluded, and asked if she was in fact in the wrong.

In a later comment, the OP said her parents called her a "leech" when she confronted them about not setting up a college fund for her, only her sister.

It's never good for parents to play "favorites," and especially not when one child is given the opportunity to go to college with help and the other isn't. But when favoritism is combined with parentification, it's a toxic stew—and often leads to resentment, not just on the part of the parents, but sometimes even the child they've been expected to raise.

Newsweek spoke with Dr. Krista Jordan, Ph.D. about dealing with this resentment from being parentified. She says that this resentment is expected, because those in this situation have been made to "grow up prematurely."

"Children have many developmental tasks that are very important to growing into a healthy adult, and many of these tasks get pushed to the side because taking care of other family members is forced to be the priority," Jordan said.

When it comes to the parents, she says that sometimes it can help to talk with being parentified with them—and she says that often times parents in this situation were parentified themselves.

"They may not realize that they have recreated this dysfunctional pattern, so having an open conversation can lead to some healing if the parents are willing to be open and not defensive. If the parents are not emotionally stable enough to have a conversation with, then talking to a mental health professional can be a great substitute," she said.

When it comes to resentment towards the children they've had to care for, the age is something to keep in mind. For example, a 5-year-old wouldn't be appropriate to vent to, because, as Jordan says, "It's not the job of younger siblings to be the emotional support for the older sibling." She says it's better to talk to the siblings once all involved are adults.

When it comes to the combination of parentification and favoritism, Jordan says that when confronting parents about it, it helps to use language that doesn't judge, but reports one's feelings. However, she said, the most important thing was to ensure one's own safety.

"Unfortunately the first thing that needs to be considered in talking to parents is the likelihood that they can hear what you have to say without attacking you emotionally or even physically," Jordan said. "Also be prepared that conversations don't always go the way you had hoped, even if you are able to keep your part productive. Understand that your parents may become defensive and even attacking and have a plan on how to exit the conversation and get some space if it doesn't go well."

When it comes to talking to the child being raised by the parentified child, she says to wait until the child is in adolescence, at least, and make sure it's clear that it's not their fault.

"Then let them know that you feel that your parents were not always fair about how things got distrusted and that it lead to you feeling sad, angry, hurt, left out, etc. Reiterate that you know that it was your parents responsibility to make those decisions and that you are not angry with them. It would be unreasonable to expect a younger child to refuse gifts, money, cars, etc. even if they knew other siblings were getting less. Children are inherently selfish as a part of their development and this doesn't really change until the 'tween years," Jordan said, adding that often times the child can also feel victimized, and feel guilt or shame about being the favorite.

Kaytlyn Gillis, LCSW, BACS agrees that it's important to not blame the child.

"It's important to reinforce the message that addressing these things is about understanding and developing awareness, and not about blaming. Although it is normal and understandable to be resentful, placing blame will only push others away from understanding you. Many siblings who were on the receiving end of these gifts and financial support also feel uncomfortable about how to navigate these conversations due to feeling stuck in patterns that they did not choose to create," Gillis told Newsweek.

"For example, I have many clients who were resentful for a long time due to feeling that they did not receive the same gifts and financial benefits as their siblings. After years in therapy, they were about to learn that their siblings felt that they had been the ones disadvantaged due to having less time, affection, and support from their caregivers. I remember once saying to my own younger sibling, 'I would give back the financial support if it meant I had a relationship with my dad when I needed him'. His response of, 'I never thought about it that way,' allowed for a moment of healing between us," she added.

Redditors had harsh words for the OP's parents.

"[Not the A**hole] but your parents sure are," u/iwishtoboopthesnoot wrote in the top-rated comment with over 27,500 upvotes. "They treat you like a live-in maid. I'm sorry your childhood was taken like that. It really isn't fair."

"OP, definitely [Not the A**hole]. One of the things to remind you of here is just as you're shaped by your situation, so is your sister. That awareness at 14 is hard to come by. She's a product of your parents and while you're feeling this anger and frustration, I'd caution you at directing it toward her rather than above you. It can be difficult because she will act with entitlement and saddle you with guilt and shame for not being more grateful," u/4_Legged_Duck agreed.

"There is a difference between being mean and being honest at a breaking point. You didn't call her names. You didn't say things to insult her. All you did was tell her how you've felt all these years," u/ghostofumich2005 wrote.

"[Not the A**hole] in my opinion. I know you said she's a kid but you're also a kid, you don't deserve this kind of treatment from your parents and should get to be a kid. You're not her parent," u/affluent_krunch wrote. "She's also 14, old enough to know what's going on and understand that it's not right. She needs to know that information."

Newsweek reached out to u/Proud_Buyer_8918 for comment. We could not verify the details in this case.