Woman Bashed, Called 'Heartless' for Ignoring Husband's Request

A woman was called "heartless" and "selfish" by commenters online after revealing that she refused to pick up her nephew from school at her husband's request.

The Original Poster (OP), known as u/throwaway2359603, posted about the incident in Reddit's popular "Am I The A**hole" forum where it received more than 18,500 upvotes and 3,000 comments. The post can be found here.

Healthy Communication

Aaron Gilbert, LICSW and founder of Boston Evening Therapy Associates, told Newsweek that there are three main "signs" of poor communication within relationships.

One sign, according to Gilbert, is being distracted during conversations.

"'Multi-tasking' while communicating leads to sub-optimal communication," Gilbert said. "At best we are good at quickly shifting our attention from one thing to another but we are never actually focused on two things at once. Which means that if you are multitasking while talking to someone, half the time you are ignoring them."

Another important factor to consider to ensure proper communication is active listening rather than waiting for the person to finish speaking so they can talk.

"It makes a strong and clear statement that says, you and your feelings and thoughts matter to me," Gilbert said. "I respect you, I value what you have to say. And in response usually you will be met with the same treatment by the other person and the overall quality of the communication rises dramatically."

It is also difficult for individuals to properly communicate when they are feeling anxious, depressed, resentful, or have low self-esteem.

"A relationship and communication is only as healthy as each of the individuals in it," Gilbert said. "Disdain or resentment are never going to be qualities that improve communication. It is of course human to experience these feelings, but if one holds onto them or adds fuel to them by focusing on them...communication and the quality of the relationship will continually diminish."

While some conversations might feel daunting to have with a partner, Gilbert advises sticking to "I" statements and avoiding "you" statements.

'Selfish and Unfeeling'

In the post titled "AITA for telling my husband to get over himself when he started berating me for not picking up his brother's son from school?" the OP said her husband, 37, brought in his brother's son, 12, after he was diagnosed with cancer.

"He told me that his nephew would be staying with us til his dad completes his chemo treatment," the post read. "I agreed although he did not consult me about it first. but I told him that he'll be his responsibility not mine."

When OP's husband asked why, she said it was because he didn't consult her first and that she is "not equipped" to take care of a child.

"He said it was fine and that he'd be taking care of him on his own," the post read.

But recently, the OP's husband called and asked if she would pick up his nephew from school since he was stuck in a meeting.

"I said I was having lunch with mom and discussing family issues," the post read. "He insisted but I reminded him that he said he'd be taking care of his nephew including school pickup/dropoff. I suggested he try to get off work or call some family member to go pick him up."

The OP said she hung up but was surprised when she came home at 3 p.m. and saw her husband.

"He started yelling at me calling me selfish and unfeeling," the post read. "I told him that his lack of management wasn't my fault."

He also told the OP that her lunch could have waited but she decided to be "petty" to "prove a point," but OP told him that wasn't true and to "get over himself."

She also told him to "stop acting like the victim" when he put himself into the situation.

"He yelled that he was trying to do all he can to help his brother out but it was me who's playing victim after I refused to help out," the post read. "We argued some more and I ended up going to stay with my mom for the night. He texted me some choice words that's when I turned my phone off. We're still arguing about it."

Redditor Reactions

More than 3,000 users commented on the post, with a strong majority bashing the OP for not helping her husband.

"YTA. 'I suggested... he call some family member to go pick him up.' That's exactly what he did. His wife, who should be a partner in the relationship," one user said. "You're displaying zero empathy to a family suffering through the effects of cancer. Your husband may lose his brother, and your nephew his dad, but you'd rather score petty points..."

"Cold, heartless, petty. Also, weird that you're married yet you chose to call this child your 'husbands nephew' and never once do you say 'our nephew' even though you ARE his aunt by marriage," another user said.

"Strong YTA here. That's your husband and your nephew, they are your family," another said. "You speak about your nephew like he's a dog and not a human child."

"ESH. Your husband should never have sprung a whole entire child on you without consultation," another said. 'And I understand not wanting to give an inch lest your husband take a mile. But. You also picked an AH hill to die on."

"You couldn't have helped out even this once? Your nephew is already having a horrible time with his dad being so sick," another said. "I get that your husband should have talked to you first and I agree he should have. But, that poor child has done nothing wrong and needs support right now. You were being selfish and trying to prove a point at the expense of a child. What's wrong with you."

Newsweek reached out to u/throwaway2359603 for comment.

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