I Fear I'll Never See My Son Again Thanks to His Father—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, Four years ago, I was doing some freelance work for the local newspaper and had been working from my phone in my bedroom. My 10-year-old son and I shared a small apartment, and his video games were distracting me. I wasn't getting enough work done and asked my son's father to take him for a few extra days so I could finish my assignments. His father picked him up and I returned to work and thought my son would be back home in a few days.

However, during this time his father received a letter from the Child Support Agency summoning him to court because of the massive amount of arrears he owed. He was ordered to pay $65/month and his arrears had grown to over $1,000, so enforcement kicked in automatically. My son's father and girlfriend are both narcissists and took the letter as a personal attack. They were convinced I had reported them to the Child Support Agency. I hadn't.

In retaliation, they began to manipulate my child. They coerced him into making statements that he didn't want to come home, and my son's father said he refused to force him. They essentially kidnapped him and held him hostage over these child support arrears. Additionally, I believe they thought that if they got custody and placement of my son, they would be on the receiving end of child support.

They filed for placement and custody under the false allegation that I had been using alcohol in front of the child.

At this time, my periods of placement with the child became restricted to every other Saturday afternoon. My son's father wouldn't show up with the child for visitation, and I called the police each time he missed an exchange. I filed for contempt for not following the visitation order.

A new judge had been appointed to the case who was the District Attorney with no background in family law. She was unfamiliar with the case history involving domestic abuse and child abuse. She argued that the contempt motion was "dealt with" by ordering a new placement order extending my visitation by five hours.

My son's father and his girlfriend removed my son from his therapy with a provider he had been seeing for years and set him up with a new counselor with no knowledge of past abuse allegations against my son's father. They started building their case with the new provider, getting my 10-year-old son to make repeated statements about how terrified he was to return to my home.

A Guardian ad Litem was assigned to the case. She spoke with my son's counselor and made a recommendation in my son's father's favor.

My son's father started demanding my son refer to his girlfriend as "Mom", referring to me as my child's "biological mother."

They won custody and placement, and I haven't seen my son in two years.

The current order states that until reunification therapy is recommended by my child's therapist, my periods of placement will remain suspended. After receiving a recommendation in their favor from my son's counselor, they removed him from therapy.

I continue to fight to see my son, filing to amend the current order to require continued therapy for the child or I fear I'll never see my son again.

Elizabeth

You Are the Victim of an Imperfect Court System

Jenifer J. Foley, is the co-founder of the New York-based law firm Alter, Wolff & Foley LLP. She specializes in matters surrounding custody, child and spousal support, pre- and post-nuptial agreements, divorce and long-term solutions.

Get to an attorney in your jurisdiction ASAP! If you cannot afford an attorney, many will do a consultation for free; some will work on a sliding scale or by the hour to help you represent yourself in Court. A local attorney also should know if there are organizations and legal aid that would be able to help you.

Most states have a "best interest" analysis for determining custody and laws that confirm it is in a child's best interest to have safe, regular, ongoing contact with both parents (except in extreme cases of abuse). Courts can order forensic evaluations by mental health professionals to determine what is really happening and to seek recommendations.

There are elements of alienating behavior by the father, which demonstrate his inability to act in your son's best interest; your son's resistance and refusal to return to you, including being manipulated to say things that are not true is evidence that the father is not acting in the child's best interest and therefore should not be the custodial parent.

Unfortunately, it appears that you are the victim of an imperfect Court system that has wrongly focused solely on your son's statements (which apparently echo the father's false claims).

Do not stop fighting.

Your Son Will Always Need His 'Real Mom'

Dr. Kevin Skinner is a licensed marriage and relationships therapist (LMFT) and clinical director at ParentGuidance.org.

Dear Elizabeth,

Ouch. My heart hurts for you and your child. My first instinct would be to hire a high-powered attorney who can defend your rights. The Guardian ad Litem didn't talk with you? How is it possible that you haven't seen your son in two years? That doesn't make a lot of sense, and I would encourage you to reconnect with previous guardianship contacts. For this reason, in the meantime, I would get an attorney involved who has the whole history and story.

Parental alienation is the biggest thing and needs to be addressed here. Unless there are legal reasons you can't see your child, that is what is happening here. You should insist on being involved in school activities and teacher/parent conferences. Again, I recommend an attorney who can defend your rights, especially if there is an issue with the school administration.

Next, do whatever you can to communicate with him. Write letters and send them to him. He may never receive them, but I would still correspond. I would want him to know how much you miss him and are doing everything you can to see him again. Make a copy of the letter with dates so that he knows (when he gets older) that you never gave up. I would also make sure that you are taking care of yourself. As you are writing letters or going through legal processes, you are going to go through additional emotions, and self-care is important to be the best person and mother you can be at any given moment.

At times like these, it is easy to feel hopeless or helpless. Taking care of yourself is important so that you can be ready when you are given the chance to be with your son again. Finally, I would look at the long-term situation with your son. As he gets older, he will be curious about you. It has been my experience that this occurs as children leave home for college or other life situations, and they look back on their childhood. You may not be able to have the relationship you want now, but as he matures, you can develop a relationship with him.

I wish it was now, for his sake and for yours, but please don't give up hope. You are still his mom and know your son will always need his "real" mom.

Make Sure You Are Getting the Emotional Support You Need

JustAnswer therapist Jennifer Kelman is a mental health and parenting expert.

I am incredibly sorry to hear of this alienation that has taken place because of your ex, and sadly, this is quite common. Not being able to see your son because of lies spewed by your ex is devastating. The additional blow is you learn that your ex is asking your son to call the girlfriend, "Mom." No matter how devastating these feelings are, it's important that you stay strong and steadfast in your quest to regain visitation. To that end, I would contact your lawyer, or find a new one if you feel the last one isn't able to help you further, and appeal to the court to have your son back in therapy and to reinstate visitation as that is what you feel is best for the child.

Keeping your son from you may cause him to wonder where you are, how you are, and if you abandoned him. Those unanswered questions could cause undue stress. Do what is needed on your end to prove to the court that you are fit to see him. Get all the support from your family, friends, and co-workers, as they may be able to attest to your character and love for your child which could be helpful. Make sure you are getting the emotional support you need as you suffer this loss so that you can feel a clear head while negotiating the avenues for reconnection.