Bride Blasted for Excluding Fiancé's Stepmom in Seating Plan: 'Not Family'

A stepmom upset over being excluded from the family table at her stepson's wedding has been backed online.

In a post to Mumsnet's Am I Being Unreasonable? (AIBU) forum on October 10, user wink1970 explained that she was close to her stepson and had been married to his father for 20 years. However, the stepson's fiancée told the poster she's not allowed to sit with them during the wedding meal as she's "not family," relegating her to a guest table.

Although planning to "suck it up" to avoid upsetting her stepson, the poster asked fellow Mumsnet users whether it's unreasonable to be hurt by the decision. At the time of writing, the post had over 300 comments from users sharing their opinion and offering support.

Who Sits Where?

From invites to seating plans, keeping everyone happy while wedding planning is no easy feat. A 2021 poll conducted by online marketplace Minted found that 46 percent of engaged Americans found wedding planning "stressful."

Of the 2,000 people surveyed, 42 percent reported feeling overwhelmed, while 39 percent said the process made them "anxious." In addition, 31 percent said choosing who to include in their wedding party was a key stressor, while 18 percent of respondents cited "pleasing their in-laws" as a specific concern.

Holly Poulter, creative director of Revelry Events—a wedding-planning business based in London, U.K.—said that traditionally, a couple's parents, maid of honor and best man would sit at the family table. However, many modern couples are eschewing wedding conventions and opting for something more personal—which can also help to avoid arguments.

"A lot of couples are ditching tradition and etiquette and doing what's right for them, making more room for the nuance of family dynamics rather than sticking to a template," Poulter told Newsweek.

"Diplomacy is often a big factor. Some couples are choosing to take family out of the equation completely and have a top table of just their wedding party. Others are doing away with a top table altogether, and instead sitting in the middle of the room on a table of their nearest and dearest.

"Sometimes couples often opt for what's known as a 'sweetheart' table, a table for just the two of them—somewhere for a bit of respite together on a busy, socially demanding day."

'Her Wedding, Her Rules'

In her post, wink1970 said she'd been in her stepson's life for "over 20 years."

"We have a terrific relationship and I love him very much, as I know he loves me," she wrote.

Her stepson got engaged to his girlfriend a few weeks ago. The poster and the girlfriend (now fiancée) had gotten along fine, until she discovered the fiancée didn't want her to sit with other close family members during the wedding meal.

"This weekend she informed me that I won't be allowed to sit at the wedding top table as I'm not family," she wrote.

"Then she changed it to 'there's no room' as she wants someone else there—but that scheme would create odd numbers. So whatever the reason, I'm demoted to the guest tables.

"Should this be bothering me? I'm somewhere between upset and annoyed, but also aware it's her wedding, her rules."

The poster also mentioned that the fiancée is "obsessed with the fact that [stepson] is 'the product of divorce.'"

"[She] has lectured us about how to behave when in the same room as [husband's] ex-wife," she added.

"[Stepson] is really not fussed, I'm not the [other woman], and the ex-wife has remarried twice since splitting with [my husband] 30 years ago.

"We have also managed various family meetings with the ex-wife with no problems at all. I'm not sure if this is related to the seating issue."

In the post's poll, 83 percent of Mumsnet users believed the poster was "not being unreasonable."

"She seems very domineering and like she's trying to make a point of excluding you," said aSofaNearYou.

MRSE20 agreed, writing: "Her comment about you not being family is rude in my opinion because you and your stepson know you are family."

"Her saying 'you're not family' is horrible though and untrue," commented AryaStarkWolf. "You're not related by blood but then neither is she."

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts asked: "Where will your [husband] be sitting? To have him at the top table, and you not (esp if you've been married to him for over 20 years), would seem weird."

However, 17 percent felt the poster was being unreasonable, with a driftabroad commenting: "This wedding is absolutely nothing to do with you."

"You are not a blood relative," they said. "This is about their new life together, not the paths/choices the adults have taken along the way and their complicated relationships."

Untitledsquatboulder wrote: "I think your stepson's wedding is the ideal time for you to put aside your ego and sit where you are asked."

"Please try to forget any feelings of discomfort," said Teamkhaleesi. "The day is not about anyone except [your stepson] and partner."

Newsweek wasn't able to verify the details of this case.