Man Asking Fiancee Not to Wear Heels on Their Wedding Day Sparks Debate

A man asking his fiancee not to wear heels on their wedding day has elicited strong viewpoints online after a post to social media.

Published on Reddit's r/AmITheA**hole forum, a woman under the anonymous username u/higherGround77 shared her story on the subreddit for feedback from the "AITA" community. The viral post has over 13,000 upvotes and 7,000 comments.

The original poster (OP) began their story by explaining that her fiance has always been insecure about his height after some of his friends and family members joked about it.

Her husband recently asked the OP if she would consider wearing flat shoes on their wedding day. Confused by his request, she asked if he was joking. In response, he told her that he was afraid of being made fun of at his own wedding and that if she wore high heels, they would look "awkward" in photos and in front of the guests.

She refused and he called her "selfish and inconsiderate" and that she "prioritized" her shoes over his "comfort and happiness" on their wedding day.

The OP wrote that he got his mother involved in the argument, who pushed the OP to reconsider.

"When I refused to discuss it she said that my unwillingness to cooperate is a huge indicator of my level of maturity, she then went on a long rant about what lengths 'real wives' are willing to go to to help out their husbands and said that I'm apparently too immature and shallow to be committed in a marriage if I make such an issue out of it," she said.

The OP believes that her fiance's insecurity is preventing her from "looking her best" on her wedding day.

Newsweek has reached out to u/higherGround77 for comment. We could not verify the details of the case.

How to deal with insecurities

"[Insecurities] start early in our childhood," Elsa Quintanilla, licensed marriage and family therapist on Sesame, told Newsweek, "As children, we seek comfort, care, warmth, safety and acceptance from those who play a role in our development. We seek an emotional connection and love. These are all essential to thrive."

Insecurities begin when one's "authentic" self is not accepted. When one's needs are not addressed and one is not given "love and nurturance," one rejects their authentic self. This can drastically affect how one sees themselves and leaves them open to accepting the limitations and projections that others place on them without filtering it out and/or questioning it, Quintanilla said.

"We have bought into this early programming because our culture has instilled in us that we can't be our authentic selves because we are expected to interact and look a certain way for the sake of approval (or more 'likes')," the therapist added.

Quintanilla gave Newsweek some healthy helpful tips on how to face your insecurities:

• Give yourself permission to listen to yourself.
• Validate the hurt and pain.
• Practice self-compassion.
• Validate your unique, authentic self by first doing what feels right and good to you.
• Give yourself love messages: some examples include, "You are enough," "You are special" and "It is you I love and not what you do."
• Focus on your strengths.
• Do not hesitate to seek professional support.

"As people, we all have some type of insecurities in some form or another," Quintanilla said. "The key is being aware of how these insecurities affect you and your relationships, and obtaining the proper professional help when need be."

Newsweek has published several articles regarding insecurities, including a man "insecure" about his girlfriend earning more than him and a man telling his "jealous" wife to "work on her insecurity."

Redditor reactions

"[Not the a**hole]. I don't think you should have to look less than exactly as you want to on your wedding day," u/marellathecrab wrote, receiving the top comment of over 23,000 upvotes.

U/justlemmeread said, "[Everyone sucks here]. Look, I do agree with you that you should look and feel your best, but that's equally true for your fiance. It's not like his insecurity is a shock to you, you knew about it. Practice being a partnership and talk about it, communicate, think of ways to help- like standing up for him if you hear a comment, kicking some jerk out, etc."

"But him running to his mom? Look. Everyone deserves to have a support system and a close relationship with a parent is not bad. But having mommy lecture your future spouse is always a red flag. He needs to grow up. Think about if you want her lectures for the rest of your life when you disagree," the commenter continued.

U/Elfich47 questioned, "[Everyone sucks here] - a wedding is about two people coming together and forming a new household. And neither of you are doing that - one is unwilling to compromise, the other is bringing their mom into the discussion. What is more important here? The wedding or the marriage?"

"[Not the a**hole]. If he felt so insecure he should have not dated a taller woman and then pretend for her to wear flat shoes. You either are ok with your height or not, he needs to deal with this," u/BigDrawkow pointed out.