Mom Backed for 'Abusing' Son's Girlfriend

A mother was supported online after involving herself in a conflict between her daughter and her adult son's girlfriend who both live in her home.

The Original Poster (OP), known as u/Tasty_Dragonfly1048, posted about the incident in Reddit's popular "Am I The A**hole" forum where it received more than 7,400 upvotes and 1,000 comments. The post can be found here.

Toxic Relationships

Studies have shown that parental disapproval of a partner can put strains on the relationship. An important aspect when it comes to parental approval is having healthy communication with a child's partner.

Caitlin R. Burgess, a licensed marriage and family therapist, told Newsweek that some signs of an unhealthy relationship include: disrespect, dishonesty, hostile communication, gaslighting, lack of trust, and sometimes even physical violence.

"If you are dealing with your child's significant other, this toxicity may be especially problematic because it can undermine the relationship you have with your adult child," Burgess said. "Toxic relationships can take many forms, but if you are feeling mentally drained interacting with this person, as if the relationship is tearing you down rather than building you up, that is a sign that the relationship is not healthy."

Setting Boundaries

It is important for individuals to set boundaries in all relationships, whether romantic, familial, or platonic.

"Boundaries are not only important to maintain healthy relationships with others, but also with ourselves," Burgess said. "If you want to set healthy boundaries when it comes to conversations about conflicts with your adult child's significant other, begin by talking with your adult child about the issues you are having with their significant other in a diplomatic but non-judgmental manner."

Burgess also recommends collaborating with the adult child to find solutions that work for both the parent and the child's partner.

"Remember, you want to have a positive relationship with your child's significant other as this will be best for your family, including potentially your future grandchildren," Burgess said.

"It is challenging to determine what level of involvement in an adult child's relationship and overall life can be considered unhealthy for a parent. It is important not to undermine your adult child's independence or sense of free will and agency."

'AITA?'

In the post titled "AITA for telling my son's girlfriend if she treats my daughter like that again she'll be out of the house?" the OP said she is a single mother who lives with her son Adam, 24, and daughter Zoe, 15.

The OP said Adam pays rent, although it is much less than if he lived elsewhere since the rent in their area is expensive and he is saving up for a deposit on a house.

Recently, Adam asked if his girlfriend Millie, 23, could stay in his room since she did not get along with her parents.

Millie, who had been dating adam for 10 months, was also struggling to find another place to live so the OP said okay.

"I agreed because they're both adults and I've met Millie quite a few times and I thought she was a really nice girl," the post read. "...but last week something happened."

'Too Harsh'

The OP said she came home to find Millie yelling and swearing at her teenage daughter Zoe. She said Millie went quiet when she noticed her and ran into Adam's room.

Zoe––who was crying at the time––said she accidentally spilled soda on Millie's jeans, and when she tried to apologize Millie "blew up."

When the OP told Millie they needed to talk, Millie accused Zoe of purposefully spilling the soda. She added that the jeans are expensive, and the OP said she would have Zoe wash them.

"I told her that I understand she's annoyed but she doesn't get to treat my minor daughter like that, and that if she does it again she'll be out," the post read. "If she has another problem involving Zoe that isn't an emergency, she should contact me before taking it into her own hands. I left it at that."

The next day, Zoe returned the now-washed jeans. But rather than a resolution, the problem worsened when Millie involved Adam, and the two accused the OP of being "unfair." The two also said the OP's comments were "abusive."

"I think what I did was perfectly fair," the post read. "I told my older sister about what happened and asked what she thinks, and she said I'm being too harsh on Adam and Millie, and said I need to chill."

Redditor Reactions

More than 1,000 users commented on the post, many defending the OP's response.

"So now you know why Millie doesn't 'get along' with her parents...NTA," one user commented receiving over 19,000 upvotes.

"How on earth is that abusive? It didn't come from nowhere. There was a cause, her abuse to your daughter," another commented.

"I would ask Zoe if this has happened before. Millie's willingness to go ballistic on Zoe was inappropriate and abusive," another user said. "Adam is obviously getting a toned down version of what happened if he thinks that Millie is not at fault. I would keep an eye on her. Also... Did she not know washing machines are a thing? It's Pepsi... Not acid... It'll wash..."

"You were not too hard on Millie. She was not punished at all. In fact, I would likely have kicked her out based on this incident alone," another said. "You were more than fair. If those two grown adults cannot handle living with a child without yelling obscenities in her face, then they can find their own place."

"Your house, your rules," another said. "It's generous of you to let her live there in the first place."

But some users said the OP was in the wrong for not immediately kicking out her son's girlfriend.

"YTA. For giving her a second chance. She should be out the door right now," one user said. "That behavior isn't excusable. As it's threatening and aggressive. An adult should have the self control not to act that way. Especially towards a minor."

"Personally, my priority would be teaching my 15 yr old daughter that being yelled at in your own home isn't normal behaviour & it's not ok," another said. "That's why I would have asked Millie to move out as soon as I witnessed that. I wouldn't have made my daughter wash Millie's jeans."

Newsweek reached out to u/Tasty_Dragonfly1048 for comment.

Other Viral Posts

In another viral Reddit post, a mom was supported by commenters for asking her son and his pregnant girlfriend to move out. Another woman was cheered for seeking advice about her "rude" nephew.

Commenters slammed a teen in another Reddit post after she defied her stepfather and mother by having her boyfriend sleep over.